Unsatisfied cravings in the face of unseen tears.

I’m not dealing very well today. It’s not like something spectacularly bad happened to me today or anything. I would say that my past is catching up to me again, but now I feel like I never really got away from it to begin with. I’m still that person and last year was just me lying to myself.

But then maybe I’m just not doing things right, maybe I can shake off my past and be that girl. The happy girl that girl with no worries. I want to be that girl, but then reality sets in and there’s this little voice inside my head whispering about how I will never ever get to be that girl, that I don’t deserve to be that girl, it’s a suit that doesn’t fit me and I should stop trying it on, hoping that one day it will fit the way I want it to.

There’s nothing like sitting crying your eyes out, while listening to a song about being happy and what a lovely place the world is to be. It may just be the masochist in me but it made me shiver, in both the good way and the bad way.

You know when your sitting somewhere, outside, maybe waiting for a bus or something like that. You’re just sitting there, not really thinking about anything, well those are the moment when I begin to crave cigarettes. I’ve never smoked in my life and there’s a very strong part of me that never wants to. Watching two loved ones die of cancer is enough to make you wish the dam things had never been invented in the first place. But there’s this little part of me that is screaming at me to have one… two… packets a day. I don’t know why, it’s not like any of my friends smoke, so I’m being pressured into doing it or anything, actually a bunch of them think it’s gross, so it’s more like pressured into not, but that part of me is still there.

I’ve got something sort of big happening tomorrow and until about 1 and a half hours ago, I had forgotten it was tomorrow, it’s only Tuesday, but I’m already getting muddled up and I’m in trouble, I think, because I’m just being ‘me’ again.

Quote/Saying of the day: As you stopped to say hello, oh, you wished me well, you couldn’t tell that I’d been crying over you – Roy Orbison 

I’m not being disrespectful, I’m just being me… on a bad day

Alright so it seems I’ve missed a could Holidays this weekend – damn I was hoping for a new holiday to celebrate – but I’ll get them next year!

On the lighter, yet darker side, it’s Holocaust Memorial Day. I’m not too sure how I feel about this ‘holiday’. I mean I don’t really want to think about something so sad, but then again remembering the dead can be something good, although the flyer telling me about the day only had one person on it – what the hell, there was definitely more than one person. But looking around at the people who were taking part, I could tell that quite a few of them were just doing it for an – and this is a little harsh – ego boost. So I don’t want to sit around with a bunch of random kids with superiority complexes thinking about some – sadly – dead people, how does that make me a bad person? I can think about them any day of the year and no one gives a shit, but just because I didn’t want to do it today, I have no soul? That’s a little messed up logic there – and a little bit sadistic?

But let’s not think about such horrible things any more – for now.

Today… Well today sucked. I mean it was a sort of typical Monday and I spent the entire day being teased by my friends about something that happened a week ago, hopefully that will blow over soon, or I’m going to have to take a break from being healthy again. I also found myself rambling for no reason, which was a little weird, but I found it quite hard to stop – it doesn’t happen that often I swear!

But it wasn’t all the teasing that made today a bad day. I’ve done something to my legs, both of them. Alright so the left one I can’t put weight on it, without the back of my ankle hurting – I’m hoping I just strained it or something like that, nothing serious – and the other hurts when I move it, although it’s my thigh not my ankle in the right side, also my back is aching from carrying around a rock for about 3 hours – honestly I can’t be bothered to explain why I was carrying around a rock for so long, it was a big and very heavy rock btw.

Alright still doesn’t sound like a sucky day, add a bunch of mental issues on top of that and then take a step back the bigger picture is shrieking ‘What the hell!’

Alright so I’m going to start doing quote for the week, or maybe quote for the day – although I don’t post everyday, so more like quote for the post. So the first one will but Anne Frank it seems.

Colour colour and some more colour.

I’ve found a quick and relatively easy – not really – way to ‘dye’ my hair. I suppose the word dye there doesn’t work, because I’m not dying it per say, I’m more like colouring it, because I’m hoping one wash will get rid of the colour, although I have yet to test this, but from what I can tell it will either take it off of my hair or make it stick even more, but I’m hoping for the first one. The first couple of techniques that I tried, didn’t work too well, bit the last one did, although it is potentially damaging to my hair, but what the hell right? I’ve got some stuff that will hopefully prevent the damage or reverse it at least.

The average person strikes again, colour hair and love potion in hand.

Alright so I skipped out on my friends with Thursday and Friday and to cover up where I was lied to one of them. To there face, although it seems I’m well versed in such tactics of covering my tracks, just well enough that people aren’t suspicious enough to look too closely, maybe unless they read this blog, but then that’s not going to happen any time soon – I hope.

So I spent Friday night trawling the internet looking for a way to not have to go out this Saturday and buy myself copious amounts of hair dye, which I will then waste, because I will only be using a small amount of the stuff. I’m dying my hair multicoloured. Well I’m dying strips of it, not the whole thing and sort of randomly. But luckily for me the internet provided me with the solution to that particular problem. And so I’ve been mixing up my own hair dye, not that it’s not going to work that well on as darker hair as mine, since I’m not willing to bleach my hair, because I don’t want or think I’ll look good with blonde hair, no offence to blonde, it just wouldn’t suit me. Blonde hair can look really wrong on certain people and I’m pretty sure I’m one of those people. but either way I wasn’t thinking I would be able to get super vibrant colour any ways, as  I was going to dye my hair black to start with, then all the colour over the top. I’ve been trying them out, but I’m not sure about a couple of methods that I’ve found, because apparently they can damage your hair, not that my hair isn’t already damaged, from the excessive straightening and what not.

So I only had to go to the corner shop to get what I wanted – mostly. There was some things that I already had, so that was good, less spending for me, as I’m trying and failing to save up my money, for the oncoming years – meaning the summer time, this year and the rest of my life. I want to do a lot this summer, but having the funds to do that ‘a lot’ is important. Because it seems that the rumours are true, the rich have it better, just not the really rich and powerful. I never want to be really really rich and powerful. I mean it’s alright for some, but not me. I want to be rich and have a slight amount of power at the most. I mean I don’t think things would be good if I was really really powerful the world might fall apart even more than it is and I might become the next… Hitler or something. I can be a bit of an extremist sometimes – alright all the time when it comes to new things. Not that I’m a terrorist or anything, that’s why I don’t get myself into politics. It’s not because I can’t be bothered, it’s because I know that my opinion is on the side that most people in this country are rooting against. Well I suppose it’s good news for the government, one less extremist to have to deal with and no need to worry in the future, I’m staying well away. I’ll just write about it in FICTION. That’s my way of dealing with such things. I get why people get all wrapped up in politics and good for you, but that’s not me and I wish people could respect that a little at least. But what the hell, everyone’s only human right? – until they’re not any more.

Alright so I’ve been watching this TV series Heroes – I think I might have mentioned it before, but I can’t be bothered to find out if I have or not. Here’s a summary; This groundbreaking sci-fi drama intertwines the stories of a disparate group of people who suddenly discover they possess superhuman abilities. Well that’s what it says on the TV series version of a blurb – forgotten what that’s called. So this has got me thinking about genetics, as I’m sort of into that sort of thing, but more like cross species genetics, although I don’t really know all that much about it, because well apparently I’m not smart enough to learn about such things. So I sort of put it on hold, until I’m out of education and don’t have to take any more tests, so I can fill my brain with useful things. I wanted to do Neurobiology at University, but you have to do biology at A level to be able to do that and I didn’t get the grades, so that went down the drain way too fast, not that I can’t learn about it, just because some test says that I don’t have the smarts. I have a very low opinion of tests, but then I’m not very good at them so, it makes sense that I would. But I’m not bad enough at them to warrant help. I mean most basic exams aren’t really tests of how well you can do a certain subject, they’re tests to see how well you can recreate yourself to their construct. Such as with my brother. During college he took Philosophy and he was really good at the subject, since he’s really smart. I mean not a genius, but smart, way over average old me – not that I like to admit that to him. So his teacher actually told him that he was really good at the subject and that he would do well in the field, I can’t remember the exact wording, so I’m just putting the gist. But his teacher also told him that he wouldn’t do well in the exam, because he didn’t write the essays in the format that was required. How stupid is that. You fail in the subject that you are good at, because you didn’t structure your essay in the perfect way that they want you to. I mean my brain doesn’t really work like that, so I sometimes find it hard to write like that and when it do, most of the time it comes out like crap, really. But they would rather have the crap, then an intelligent answer? I don’t really understand the educational system, maybe I’m just looking at it wrong or maybe I’m not ‘young’ to understand this stupidity. I mean come on, we do well in exams they make them harder, then wonder why everyone is doing so badly, so they make them easier again! It’s stupid and heavily flawed. I wonder whether they can’t find some more common ground to test us on, or something? But there really isn’t much I can do right now about all that and by the time I can, I won’t be bothered, because I just want to get out of education and start working, but to do what I want to do, I have to stick it out until the bitter sweet end.

I think some of that made sense, at least I hope it did. I mean I’m not stupid – despite what some people might think – although I’m not really smart either. I believe myself to be just above average or maybe just average and I’m happy with that, because being smart seems like it could be a burden at times, although nice as well. I mean I understand when smart people are talking, most of the time, I get what they’re saying and all that jazz, it’s just… I’m not sure. Maybe it’s my appallingly bad memory or something that’s holding me to my average status – well we can’t all be geniuses, because then we wouldn’t be.

Weird thought, sort of changing topics, but my friends were arguing about what love is and one of them was insisting that love was just chemicals. Well if that’s true, then why hasn’t anyone tried to make a love potion of sorts? Or have they? And if so it must have failed, because they would be one hell of a drug. You could make millions off of something like that, but I think it would be black market stuff, because of the hundreds of ethical issues, there would be an up raw about it, but people would still want it and I bet there would be a lot of ‘crazy’ men and women that would covert the stuff, so you would still make a killing off of it.

Might be a good idea for a book there. Although I know there have been books and films about this sort of thing.

Friendly Muscle growth?

Right so, as much as this might sound like it might be a good thing, in my case it probably never will be. I’m rapidly gaining muscle tone on my arms. I mean I always had slightly muscular arms, because I did a lot of manual labour when I was younger and it didn’t turn to fat every quickly – which I’m glade about, or my legs would be flabby fat right now – but I’ve started working out, as part of my more healthy lifestyle and well it hasn’t quite turned out as I would have hoped. I mean I don’t mind a little bit of muscle, but I’ve already got man shoulders and a reputation for being hard, so I don’t think the extra muscle on my arms is at all needed and I don’t want it. I don’t want muscular arms, alright I don’t want flabby fat arms either. But I was trying out some different things today to see if there was some other work out I could do, that won’t include my arms in it and it seems as though I’m just going to have to be careful for a while. Alright it’s not a big problem or anything I know that, but it’s getting to me and I find myself flexing my arms a lot more recently to make sure that they aren’t any bigger, plus my friend made a comment about it a while ago.

So today, right well I was supposed to do some cleaning, but that didn’t really happen, I mean I did a little. I also had some disguising BBQ ribs, which I ended up giving to the cats, because they liked the taste, but I thought it taste way too much like washing up liquid – suspicious right?

So I’ve been trying to find a good time to do this thing that I’ve been meaning to do for a while now and also time to get my hair cut and styles and also time to go to the dentist, but I can never seem to find the time, I mean when I can do it they can’t and when they can I can’t, it’s a little frustrating, as I like having all my real teeth and well my hair is in need of a cut. I’ve also got to go back to the doctor to get more medication, because my allergic reaction is playing up again and I ran out of pills a long time ago. On the subject of medication, I also have to go back to the hospital soon as well. Oh the many medical things that come into my life these days, it was so much easier, when I didn’t have to spend my days looking for symptoms.

I was looking at my stats today and I’m actually pretty surprised by the amount of people who are following this blog. I mean it’s a bit weird to me, that people would be that interesting in what I have to say on here, sure if it was me I would probably follow me, but then I consider myself to be a bit of a weird person, not that I’m saying that only weird people could possibly follow me – not trying to insult anyone here. But I mean when I started this I thought I would get only a few followers at most, but now I have nearly 50, I know that to a whole lot of people that isn’t really very many, but well it is to me – not to sound sad or anything – but thanks for taking an interest guys – feel like I might have posted something like this before, but just see how grateful I am!

Alright so after that heart-felt moment there, well here’s some music.

I like Avicii, all the stuff I’ve heard has been good, so I hope it just goes up from here, unlike others – unnamed – that I liked and just got worse and worse.

So I’m happy to report that I’m almost sure that my friend isn’t going to cheat on her boyfriend. From what I can pick up on from her body language and what not, she might want to be with this other guy, but she likes her boyfriend too much. Good thing really because the boyfriend is a bit of a jealous freak sometimes. Although I might be reading her wrong, that has happen before – many a time, I’m not an expert or anything, just better than the average.

Have a Happy Blue Monday..!

Hello everyone, now it’s Blue Monday..! Oh no we must be sad.

Apparent it’s the day when the most suicides happen, but who can be sure?

But today isn’t just Blue Monday… Honestly! So hello American’s and others for a matter of fact, because today is Martin Luther King Jr Day. Martin Luther King Jr. Day is an American federal holiday, marking the birthday of Martin Luther King Jr. It is observed on the third Monday of January each year, which is around the time of King’s birthday, January 15. So there’s something to be happy about, let’s all celebrate a little the life of Martin Luther King Jr.

But if that doesn’t cheer you up then maybe this song about happiness will.

Today wasn’t exactly a great day or anything and I can say that I get why it’s – supposedly – the day that most people commit suicide on and well to be honest they say January is most depressing Month and then it’s just Monday is usually kind of a depressing day, so rounding it all off, I get where those people are coming from. Not that I’m encouraging anyone to try or anything like that, I just understand – sort of – what’s going on in their nugget.

So I’m just sitting and waiting for next month to arrive, because I promised myself that next month I would make some drastic changes and I’m going to keep my promise – I say through gritted teeth, wishing I had never made the promise in the first place. But I’m going to keep this one and achieve my goal, although it might be small and some what insignificant, it’s for me, so who cares if no one else cares about it..? Not me! I’m still having problems writing, but I’m hoping that finding a quiet place to write will work that out, because at the moment I don’t really have one, during the day.

Alright so I’m not meant to know and all that jazz, but I do and I’m not sure how I feel about it. A close friend of mine is basically considering cheating on her significant other. She’s a bit of a slut and I think that fine, by my standards she not really slut, but I’m going on the rest of the ‘world’s’ standards here and I’ve cheated before, so I can’t really talk here, but the guy’s also my friend, alright we’re not as close, but still. There’s a part of me that thinks I should try and convince her not to do it, but then again I’m thinking that if she’s does it now, that might save him some heart brake now instead of when he’s completely infatuated with her, although by the actions he might already be. But then again I could help him to see it, not straight out tell him, but push him that way, but I don’t want to ruin their relationship, because of a moment of doubt on her part, that was just that and nothing more. Ergh, I shouldn’t have ask about it, maybe I’ll just pretend that I don’t know anything. The hear no, see no, speak no route.

Don’t get it? Look it up, I can’t be bothered to explain right now.

Up to drink and educate you, but first let’s get on…

So it was my friend joint 18th birthday party last night. Which means drinks, films and more drinks really, oh and the trying to avoid the PDA of the couples that turned up. It was sort of hard as the friend kept yelling ‘coupliness’ every time another couple kissed or anything like that, but I just focused on conversation and the films.

Unfortunately for my friends not that many people turned up, because of the slight flooding here and there, but it was still fun even with the masses of people and I think sleeping wise it might have been a good thing, because there wasn’t masses of places to sleep. I and a couple of other people didn’t stay over, we left around 11. Head

ing back to our respective homes to fall onto our nice beds and sleep the night away, instead of partying the night away. I wish I had bothered to bring my camera and taken some shots with it.

Although not that many people turned up, I did meet one new person. Who my friend spent rather a large portion of the night flirting with, even though she is in a relationship, although she did say to me she was a bit worried about the relationship in a way, but I think everything is going to be alright. We did spent a long time on that sort of subject though and I think freaked out/educated someone on it. As we finished off this guys case of cider and heard about his exploits in America. It was pretty fun really and he seemed like a nice guy, that I proceeded to blurt out on the car ride home, which might have been a mistake. I don’t know if it was because I was there, or because he was tired or something else, but the friends who took me home, wow… you couldn’t have cut the tension in that car with a knife. I tried making conversation and lightening the mood, but to no oval so I just gave put and lounged in the back.

But over all I’m glad I went, because I wasn’t sure if I was going to, but I’m glad I did in the end, because I had a good time.

Bitter sweetness of a not so grand day…

So for those of you that have looked at my blog over the last couple of… I can’t remember how long, will have noticed that I have changed the name of my blog to ‘The Butterfly girl’. Although this might seem like a random change, but I’ve been thinking about changing the name of this little venture for a while now, but I wasn’t sure what to go with, ‘CrTalk’ just wasn’t working any more as I was going off the name of my old blog, but when I started this one the actual name of my old blog, was taken, but I think this one is better.

So the last couple of days, well what has happened? Nothing that stands out like waving a red flag, but I’ve been a little stressed the past couple days and I suppose you could say ‘it’s taking its toll on me’. I’m the type of person that you can’t instantly tell is stressing out, because unlike most people, I don’t have the usual physical symptoms that most people would look for, mine are more subtle and a lot harder to read, because no one is used to seeing them. I think if they were then they would be able to tell, but when you think someone isn’t stressed, then you get used to those symptoms being them not stressed and so can’t see when the person – i.e me – is stressed.

So I started to watch this TV series, called Heroes today, as I was meant to be doing some work, but I needed to relax a little and just get some stuff off my chest and for me having a new TV series playing in the background while doing such things, can help – sometimes. It’s not that bad of a series, but my friend who has already watched it, was telling me all these spoilers, which was a little annoying, but what the hell. It an American show, so I probably would have been able to guess the ending, but I don’t like doing that and tend to one guess what is going to happen the immediate future – of the episode.

It did freak out my cat at one point – although maybe she’s still classed as a kitten, I’m not sure – when this guy screamed and I had it turned up which loud, because I wanted to be able to hear it from the kitchen, because I was making my dinner. I was holding her at the time and she scratched the hell out of me, which wasn’t a grand moment. But then today just hasn’t been a grand day, so I suppose it fits in with the rest of the day.

I’m suppose to be doing this stressful and rather important – according to the people around me – thing tomorrow, but I’ve just got this dreadful feeling about the entire affair. Not the kind of feeling that’s just basic dislike or un-wanting to do something, but dread. It’s a lot thicker and deeper, like my instincts or something, although I have spent a large portion of my life so far, trying to block out my instincts. Although I’m not too sure if that’s good for me or not, I suppose it depends on who you ask, me or them or the rest of the world – I’m being sort of cryptic there, I think that’s my MO when it comes to this blog, maybe I should rename it ‘The Cryptic  Girl’ or something to that effect.

I haven’t written a word of my novel since New Years period and it’s getting to me a little, it’s frustrating, but every time I sit down, pen and paper in hand, nothing. I just sit there. It’s not even like it’s a blank page, it’s just picking back up, but it’s like there’s some sort of… wall or something… No it’s more like I become paralysed. But I don’t know why. I’m not stuck for ideas about what to write next. I just can’t write – not in general, just that. I was looking over some of my older stuff, to just and get myself… I don’t know… feeling better able my writing skills. It didn’t really work, but it wasn’t a complete failure either, which is good and bad. Bitter sweet.

And so a song about bitter sweetness to sum thing up or something in that area.

I wish I could sing, I suppose I could settle for just writing someone a song or maybe I’ll just live forever and learn to sing on the way…

Quick note before I go, I missed Japanese Coming of Age day Monday, I would have liked to have dedicated a post to it, but maybe next year.

The absences of me in my routine…

So today was… different. Not all that different, but not the usual routine and I think that has helped me a little. I need to mix things up now and then, stop the melancholy setting in and all that jazz. I think I get this from my childhood. I sometimes wonder if my mother had this feeling as well, because her childhood was somehow even more drastic than mine in this field, but then again she didn’t go through the same things, she wasn’t like me, she was better I can say that with certainty. I know she wasn’t perfect or anything, but perfect is something that’s impossible. I like to think she was the closest thing to perfect, but it seems that that might just a delusion, but I don’t care. I’d rather keep my ideal idea of her, she gone and I don’t want the last thing that ties me to her to be shattered, I don’t see the point in doing so, just more pain and I don’t want that sort of pain.

Any ways, it’s back to the old routine tomorrow, no detours, or elaboration. I don’t think it will kill me though, this time, but mixing it up might be the way to go from now on, plus it’s probably for the best that I start now. I may have said that things would be different this year and I may have told my friend about my new years resolution, but this isn’t serious, so no need to get them involved or anything.

So this one is going to be a short one, because I need to get some sleep tonight and getting to bed earlier, might help with that – not that it has in the best, but if first you don’t succeed try and try again, or something to that point.

I haven’t been writing as much as I would have liked, thinking over when I start this project, actually I haven’t written a thing, since I went back to the day to day routine. Maybe that’s the factor this is creating this wall between me and my characters, I can’t get into their heads the way I want to and I can’t write right, if I can’t get into their heads, I comes out all messy and unreadable, which is getting annoying, but I’m hoping to change that soon and this mixing things up, can’t make things worse – I hope!

Stuffing my life with bits from my past.

Alone.

It’s the only time these days that I actually feel like me any more. It’s not like before when I felt like I was putting on a show for the world, hiding behind a mask of my own design. It all comes so naturally now, no wonder no one has yet to call me out on it, sometimes I find myself believe it, but it’s not just a shell any more, it feel like me, but not me. It’s like I’ve created an alter ego or something. The feeling is close to what I think walking around in someone else’s body would feel like, I’ve just got so good at being them, that no one notices that it isn’t them. Sort of funny in a morbid sort of why, but what the hell, whatever get’s me through the day and all that jazz.

I’ve been having these headaches recently, by that I mean the past couple of days, but today has been the worst. I don’t know if it’s because I’m coming down with something, or because I’m so tired, then again it could be because of my glasses, I was wearing them basically all day today, but I’ve never noticed this happening before, sure I sometimes get a little sore nose, because I think they’re too tight, but nothing like this. I’ve been trying to hold out, but I think I’m going to have to start taking pain killers again, which is something that I don’t want to do, but needs must and I think I can deal now, or at least I hope I can deal now. If I’m going to deal with the faults of my past, then I might as well take them all on together and if I fall apart, I’ll do what I always do, pick myself back up again and hope I don’t leave any piece behind, because it can be frustrating putting a puzzle together only to find one or two pieces missing.

So I found out today that apparently someone I know knows a rapist, although it seems to be debatable as to whether or not he really is a rapist, I think the act would be considered rape and in doing so that makes him one, but the way that it was told to me, it seems like he isn’t one mentally or anything like that.