Bitter sweetness of a not so grand day…

So for those of you that have looked at my blog over the last couple of… I can’t remember how long, will have noticed that I have changed the name of my blog to ‘The Butterfly girl’. Although this might seem like a random change, but I’ve been thinking about changing the name of this little venture for a while now, but I wasn’t sure what to go with, ‘CrTalk’ just wasn’t working any more as I was going off the name of my old blog, but when I started this one the actual name of my old blog, was taken, but I think this one is better.

So the last couple of days, well what has happened? Nothing that stands out like waving a red flag, but I’ve been a little stressed the past couple days and I suppose you could say ‘it’s taking its toll on me’. I’m the type of person that you can’t instantly tell is stressing out, because unlike most people, I don’t have the usual physical symptoms that most people would look for, mine are more subtle and a lot harder to read, because no one is used to seeing them. I think if they were then they would be able to tell, but when you think someone isn’t stressed, then you get used to those symptoms being them not stressed and so can’t see when the person – i.e me – is stressed.

So I started to watch this TV series, called Heroes today, as I was meant to be doing some work, but I needed to relax a little and just get some stuff off my chest and for me having a new TV series playing in the background while doing such things, can help – sometimes. It’s not that bad of a series, but my friend who has already watched it, was telling me all these spoilers, which was a little annoying, but what the hell. It an American show, so I probably would have been able to guess the ending, but I don’t like doing that and tend to one guess what is going to happen the immediate future – of the episode.

It did freak out my cat at one point – although maybe she’s still classed as a kitten, I’m not sure – when this guy screamed and I had it turned up which loud, because I wanted to be able to hear it from the kitchen, because I was making my dinner. I was holding her at the time and she scratched the hell out of me, which wasn’t a grand moment. But then today just hasn’t been a grand day, so I suppose it fits in with the rest of the day.

I’m suppose to be doing this stressful and rather important – according to the people around me – thing tomorrow, but I’ve just got this dreadful feeling about the entire affair. Not the kind of feeling that’s just basic dislike or un-wanting to do something, but dread. It’s a lot thicker and deeper, like my instincts or something, although I have spent a large portion of my life so far, trying to block out my instincts. Although I’m not too sure if that’s good for me or not, I suppose it depends on who you ask, me or them or the rest of the world – I’m being sort of cryptic there, I think that’s my MO when it comes to this blog, maybe I should rename it ‘The Cryptic  Girl’ or something to that effect.

I haven’t written a word of my novel since New Years period and it’s getting to me a little, it’s frustrating, but every time I sit down, pen and paper in hand, nothing. I just sit there. It’s not even like it’s a blank page, it’s just picking back up, but it’s like there’s some sort of… wall or something… No it’s more like I become paralysed. But I don’t know why. I’m not stuck for ideas about what to write next. I just can’t write – not in general, just that. I was looking over some of my older stuff, to just and get myself… I don’t know… feeling better able my writing skills. It didn’t really work, but it wasn’t a complete failure either, which is good and bad. Bitter sweet.

And so a song about bitter sweetness to sum thing up or something in that area.

I wish I could sing, I suppose I could settle for just writing someone a song or maybe I’ll just live forever and learn to sing on the way…

Quick note before I go, I missed Japanese Coming of Age day Monday, I would have liked to have dedicated a post to it, but maybe next year.


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