Free > me

Just another couple days in the life of the Average University student, who’s wanting to peel herself and thinking of future aspirations… Continue reading

An explosion of Wanderlust that lives with Procrastination…

I’m freaking out right now, I’ve got an exam Thursday and I know nothing. I’m not exaggerating here, I mean nothing. Maybe I could dig into the black pit of my memory and pass the multiple choice part of the exam – crapping by – but I cannot write an essay and I’m not good at exams in general.

But I’ve got no one to blame but myself and my stupidity and determination, but if I pass all of my other assignments and the next two exams, then it might not matter, or I might just have to retake, although I have a strong disliking of retaking – maybe it’s because I have the stupidest hard-wired brain, but whatever. I wish I could just dedicate my life to fictional writing and not have to get a ‘real’ job, but I’ve not got the confidence or the skills to do that, so exam stress it is. I mean this is university, big stuff, can’t blag your way through this one, I’m not even sure how I got in, but now I’ve got to stay in, because I cannot redo this year and I can’t fail, because I have no plan, which means I’ll just go home and bum around until the father screams at me for doing nothing with my life.

I’ve heard the speech he gave my brother, I don’t need to hear it again, not that he would really be disappointed, because I don’t think he really expects much from me, even though the I’m the youngest of his children to actually go to University, nearly was going to be the only one, until the older brother decided he wanted to take part time courses or something.

But as I told my friend this is the first year, it can’t be that hard, right?

God I wish it was summer already I had finished my exams and was off for my summer break. I’ve got big plans for this summer, big and possible out of my ‘league’ plans, but I’m going to try and make it happen, so hopefully because I really want it the whole universe will conspire to help me get it, since that’s what’s meant to happen according to certain people. But don’t worry, I’m not leaving it to the universe completely, just a little bit here and there. Plus if it works out this could be a great summer vacation. I want to have another summer fling this year. I say nothing but last year it wasn’t really a proper summer fling.

Speaking of fling, I’ve managed to fling Mr G. I hope. I haven’t gotten a text from him in a while and despite my worries he hasn’t gone to stalker levels – yet! I’m hoping that his clingy nature was just exaggerated via text and he’s not really that clingy, because if he is, I’m thinking I’ll be hearing from he soon. But I’m glade it flung him, because he wasn’t exactly good for me or anything and now I can think about getting into a relationship if I want to and I’m not sure if I want to, I think I’ve got too much of a stereotypical ‘guy’ perspective on relationships now. Honestly that’s not all my fault, a string of bad relationships and growing up in a house with really only males can do that to you, or turn you into a super slut, not that I don’t like to think I have a little of both in me.

Any ways moving on, I’ve always wanted to travel and I think it would be fun to travel with friends, since I’m all shy and sometimes antisocial and whatnot, plus one of my friends can speak Spanish, which could come in handy and all that jazz. So this summer I want to give in to my traveller spirit and go abroad, but right now all I’ve got is a plan and hope. There’s a lot to plan and do before I get anywhere and a lot to save, since I’ve a poor student and most of friends are also poor students that means I don’t really have the money to go abroad, but I’ve got a plan to get it and enough to get my friends with me, not sure how much I can make, so I’m not sure who I’ll be able to invite, so I made a list and decided who I would rather going on holiday abroad with and then depending how things pan out I’ll go from there and all that jazz.

I’m going to try and make the swimsuit or rather finish the swimsuit I started way too late last year.

Quote/saying of the day/week: We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie. – David Mamet.

To being self-centric… and not suicidal

So Christmas is over and we’re into a new year.

Usually when I enter into a new year, I get this impending sense of – for lack of a better word – doom. Like I haven’t done what I should/could/wanted to do that past year and so my life is going to be a disaster. But this year not so much, maybe because I started university, so that’s a major step towards something… or maybe because I started being me. Alright that might sound weird or whatever, but honest for about 7-9 years of my life, I have tried to be someone other than myself. There wasn’t really someone in particular that I wanted to be, I just didn’t want to be me, honestly that’s where the suicidal tendencies stem from, I think. Although I sort of still have an odd suicidal moment, so there’s probably more to that. If I continued going to therapy and stopped lying to my therapist, I think I’d probably find out what all that’s about, but I’ve be analysing myself since I was about 6 or maybe 7 – I’m not very good with time, or dates or anything or that sort, I think that’s why I find it so easy to get lost down the rabbit hole, as some people refer to it as.

Buy honestly I don’t want to die, actually I want to live forever and I do sometimes tell people that, at which point they either laugh or give me ‘I think you’re completely insane’ look, but I’m ok with that, because one way or another I’m going to live forever.

But yeah… onwards. So this year I haven’t really made new years resolutions, because well I never keep to them and for the past 10+ years my resolution has been the same thing ‘finish a novel’, but I’m still trying for that, when it will happen? who knows! and who cares, I’m trying and that’s not something I do all that often, not really.

I mean it’s a whole evolved defence mechanism and it’s the reason I’m not in a relationship and I’ve never had one that lasted longer than a month – I think, maybe shorter – and also I’m cruel, so there’s that.

So I got what I wanted for Christmas. I think as people get older, they stop thinking that Christmas is such a big deal and stop wanting things or rather asking for things for the occasion, which is part of the reason why I got my brother a box of sweets for Christmas, because I didn’t want to just give him money and all that jazz.

But any ways I keep side tracking as per usual. So this year I want to be more me and I want to have a good time, which includes going on holiday this summer or at least to the seaside a bunch. Last year me and some friends decided we were going to make going to Cornwall a yearly holiday for us, to keep the group together and all that, not that we really need it it seems. But since no one can drive, because our usual driving got into an accident, she can’t afford the insurance and none of the rest of us can drive, two of the group are learn and the other can’t because she has/had epilepsy and you’re not allowed to drive on the meds she was taking and all that jazz and I don’t drive, because… well because of personal reasons. So Cornwall seems to be off the list, due to the fact we would have to take the train down and then find a way to get to the camp site and apparently there isn’t any buses around there, or something. I want to go to a different country, but one of the group is a super home buddy. Honestly she doesn’t want to go anywhere or meet anyone new, she refused to let my friend come to her party because she was going to bring her new boyfriend, she just didn’t want to meet anyone new – this just doesn’t make much sense to me. I’m trying not to be super judgemental or anything, but I like meeting new people and seeing new places, even if it sometimes scares the shit out of me. The we’re all a little short on cash, so I don’t think they’ll want to leave the country or anything like that

So over Christmas I found out that one of my friends has dropped out of university, because she couldn’t handle being away from home – she has some pretty bad anxiety problems. So she’s back home and is thinking of doing a horse care course, or something like that.

See for me being here and being at home weren’t that different when I came, apart from I had to deal with my own finances, as I had to do my own shopping  and what not. That sounds like I’m fishing for sympathy  and maybe on some level I am. I mean my father doesn’t like me as much as my brothers, probably because he doesn’t know how to handle me, since I’m a girl and all that jazz, but he still loves me. So I’m not really fishing, I’m telling the truth here, it’s like if I told someone that, I think it would be a – as my friend like to say – ‘woe is me’ story, but it’s not. I mean my father worked away from home, so he stayed with his girlfriend and I stayed at home alone, hence the lack of difference between here and home, I mean there actually are people living in this house, so that’ different, but not family members. I guess if I had been closer with my family, I a more dependent sort of way, then I would be pretty home sick and all that.

Any ways more swiftly on. I got this book called ‘The wisdom of psychopaths’ for Christmas and after beginning to read it, I’m finding it really interesting. I mean I’m already weirdly hooked on psychopaths and others, hence the psychology degree – although I’m not sure if that’s the best reasons to be trying to become a psychologist. But in this book it states that depression, on a short term basis at least, is actually good for you, because people who are depressed are more focused, or something to that affect, although I think on a long term basis depression isn’t good for you and I don’t think I was more focus when I was depressed, but maybe I just didn’t notice, or maybe that was because of the lack of sleep and food. I don’t think I really want to find out.

But as they say new year new me, but since this coming week is a revision week for me, I’m thinking I won’t bother going to be lectures, but I might go to Monday ones and see what they’re like, because apparently I only have one Exam this time, so I don’t see why I should have to go to the other lectures, when I could be revision for my exam, also I haven’t done my coursework, which is due Monday – classic me – so I might have to skip my first Monday lecture to finish that, because I’m probably going to end up writing it all tomorrow, because I feel completely out of whack today – that’s really just an excuse not to do any work.

So I decided I am going to try and enter some writing competitions this year, starting with the writers Forum – magazine – writing competitions, but that means putting money on my printing card thing, because I told the father that I won’t need the printer he wanted to give me, because we just had to hand things in online – didn’t think about hard copy writing competitions, you see you have to be a subscriber to enter online and I don’t have the money to become a subscriber, which reminds me, I have to join the BPS – British Psychological Society – you have to be a member to practice – apparently – and it’s cheaper to join now, rather than later.

So this is my new years-ish, post – I know I know, but what the heck, I’ve got time.

I heard this the other day and although it stalker-ish, I sort of like it, but it’s not my new year song.


All work and no play until Christmas day…

So it’s less than 3 weeks till Christmas and only a week (and a day) until I head home for the holidays. I can’t wait to get back home now, although I’ve still got 2 pieces of coursework to do and then I’ll probably get more for over the holidays and all that jazz. I like the fact that psychology is mainly coursework based – maybe that’s why it’s mainly girls doing psychology? But that coursework also includes in class test, which are basically like exams for me, but in more familiar setting and you’re closed to the person you’re sitting beside and a few other things, but I’m not especially great at tests, I mean I can cram for the small unit tests, I used to get in college and do alright and sometimes really well, but this isn’t really the same, it’s potentially everything we’ve learned – or meant to have learned so far. Fortunately that doesn’t include seminars, just lectures and I did get some practice this week, where we did a sort of practice test. But even through me and my friend – we were paired off – got the highest score in the group , I’m still not very confident in my doing all that well in the actually test – but oh well, what will be will be and all that.

So my housemate gave me chocolate today, as a Christmas present, which is totally stealing my idea, as I was going to buy some chocolate or something for the house this Monday, as a Christmas present, but now I feel like I have to buy them individual ones – ugh spending money. Christmas is really stealing all my – tiny – savings. I’ve got one of my brother’s his present and the father’s present, I’m not sure if I’m going to get his girlfriend a present – I might not have the money – and I’ve still got to get the other brother’s present, although I have no idea what to get him and he hasn’t given me a cue as to what he wants, I was talking to the father about it and he’s just giving him money to buy a fold up bicycle. Speaking of the father, he has decided that it would be a lovely idea to go to his girlfriends mother’s place for Christmas. And of course I have to go with them – yay – It’s the same as going to her brother’s I can’t say no – not really – because I’m sure he would go without me and that would be a depressing Christmas by myself – for the first time in my life, this is also the first time the family isn’t all together for Christmas. Fortunately I think it’ll only be until for about 3-4 days at the mother’s place – what do you call your father’s girlfriends mother? it’s not step-grandmother or anything like that they’re not married.

I’ve also got to get a secret Santa present and I was going to get this champagne, but they ran out of it, by the time I went back to get some, so I got her some perfume form the Body Shop – it’s super expensive there – and I’m also going to get her a chocolate orange an maybe something else that’s cheap.

Now this is sort of personal I suppose, but hey ho does it even matter. I think that my breasts have grown recently, but being the lazy person that I am I can’t be bother to measure them and find out. Although if they have I know the reason why, my fb, although I think I really pissed him off last weekend, by telling him I might meet him and then going out with some people instead and getting with someone else, he’s weirdly jealous all the time and way too clingy for me, if I wanted clingy I’d get a boyfriend/girlfriend. Although I’ve been thinking I might want to get into a ‘serious’ relationship recently, not too sure about all that though.

Quote/saying of the day: Every gift which is given, even though is be small, is in reality great, if it is given with affection. – Pindar

I’m young so I can be wild, what’s your excuse?

So recently I got this app on my phone called whisper, it’s this thing where you post messages with picture backgrounds and the whole thing is anonymous, which if you’ve read some of my previous posts, you would know is something I like.

So any ways, I’ve been posting a couple things, secrets and questions and base thoughts and all that jazz. The app has this private message things, so you can message the person who posted a whisper and chat with them, the private message part does have a couple small bugs in it though, which is annoying. But any ways so my first post, I think I got like 10 replies in about 5 minuets or something ridiculous like that.

But Saturday night I was feeling a little down and out of it, as at least two of my house mates, had gone out, one to his sisters wedding for the weekend and the other just out with friends, I would have gone outside and looked who was out there, but they all sounded drunk and I wasn’t so I didn’t want to really hang out with them sober, so I whispered something about being alone and not wanting to be and this guy private messaged me. We got to talking and he invited me over to his place, at first I was really unsure as to whether or not I would go, but he seemed really nice and he wasn’t being all sleazy like most the guys I’ve so far chatted to on whisper and he was talking about how we could just be friends if I wanted to and just hang out, so he drove over and picked me up. Now at the time there were some people outside, I’m not sure who it was because I didn’t bother looking, as to the fact I kind of didn’t want to know, but I know it was a girl and a guy at least, as I could hear them talking from my room.

I’m sort of hoping that it wasn’t the guy that I kind of like and all that jazz. As I’m not too sure what they thought was going on.

Any ways, so we chatted for a bit and then headed back to his place, as it looked a little weird just sitting in the car and all that jazz. He lived right by the beach so you could see it from his window, although by the time we got to his place, it was around 2:30, so I couldn’t see anything, especially as I wasn’t wearing my glasses. So he made me a drink, rum and coke – me favourite at the moment, after from Garden of Eden, because that was delicious – and we sat on the sofa and chatted for a little while, before he asked me about whether or not I minded him smoking and I was kind surprised, but we had a nice little smoke together, before he asked the ‘big question’ about whether or not I found him attractive, at this point I had to make a snap decision and that lead to use making out on his sofa, which wasn’t super comfortable, it was this sort of green fake leather sofa. So we moved to the bedroom and …

It was fun and after he was really nice and all complimenting me and all that jazz, so that nice and then we just lay and chatted for a little while, before heading back into the other room for another drinks and a smoke, which sort of went to my head a little, as I could feel it going a bit… fuzzy and light with the cigarette, which was nice, so we chatted for a bit more, before he went to find out the time. Only to inform me it was 5 am, bed time or something like that, at least we went back to the bed.

So I had a couple more firsts that night/morning and only got about 2 hours sleep, before he woke me up for a good morning greeting woody style. But hey it was fun and the same with the first.

So after that I did sleep for an hour or to, until he got up and then I just couldn’t seem to go back to sleep, so I just sprawled out in his bed and lay here for an hour or something, listening to him go about his morning, until I couldn’t take it any more and got up. He gave me a lift back and said he’d like to see me again. And in the end I sent him my number later that day and he’s sent me a couple messages today, so at least he’s not one of those guys that feels he has to wait a certain amount of time before texting the girl, because I do have a time limit and then I just ignore them, unless I really like them that is.

I’m not too sure if anyone saw me doing the walk of shame or not that morning, since it wasn’t that early, so people could have been up and all that jazz. I don’t even know if my house mates knew I was gone, because she hasn’t said anything and the one downstairs doesn’t talk to me, so yeah he hasn’t said anything either, but she could just be respecting my privacy and all that jazz, which is nice of her.

So Sunday day was truly a day of rest, as I didn’t want to do anything all day, as I was achy, tired and ill, as I have somehow got fresher’s flu, even though I was trying to be careful and everything, but I suppose I probably got it from someone in my lectures, since there was always people coughing in that, disturbing everyone and now that’s me.

Although I got this free Menthol e-liquid, with the ones I ordered the other day and apparently Menthol is good for colds, although I’m not sure how true that is, but I don’t think it will hurt really. Although I may have given it to Mr G, but I did say I had fresher flu, before he came to pick me up, so he was duly warned, when we started that adventure.

Although he was telling me about the university, back when he went to it and I found it surprisingly interesting to see how it had changed.

So moving on I was so tired when I got up this morning, although I did go to bed at 10 last night, but I couldn’t sleep because my skin was reminiscing about the mornings activities. So I woke up still aching in a freezing room, as I had accidentally left my window open all night and it was poring it down outside and all I thought was ‘I really don’t want to get up right now’ but I had a 9 o’clock lecture, so I managed to drag myself out of bed at 7:15 and put on a whole bunch of layers and a coat, which I don’t really like very much, but I don’t have anything else really, because I still haven’t got my hoody back yet – I shouldn’t have given it to her in the first place and I keep meaning to send her a message or something, but by the time I get around to it, it’s late at night and I think that would be a little weird, so I keep waiting until the next day – it’s a bit of a circle – and since I don’t know where she lives I can’t go over and get it, or I would have done that by now. Although I did go and get my post from the next door neighbours.

So I’ve been thinking as one does now and then over the things I did with Mr G and I’m wondering whether or not I should go into town to get the morning after pill, because just like with the first – I feel like I should start calling him Mr first now – it was unprotected, which yeah I know is bad, but he did the whole pull out just before thing, but I was thinking better safe than sorry, right? So I was going to go in today, but then it was so miserable out and I was feeling so horrible, I just couldn’t. I could hardly drag myself to the first RAG meet and greet thing this afternoon, but I did go an found out more about the trips and the one to Machu Picchu seems pretty good, even if it is over £300 for the deposit to go, but I’m not sure when you have to pay the deposit by and all that jazz and fund-raising is hard, but it’s all for a good cause. I’ve also signed up for this food thing on Saturday, with some friends and since one of the societies that I’m part of, are trying to get together a team, I’ve said I’m interesting in being part of that team. The same friend that told me about this, also got me to agree to go to a Latin and salsa dance class tasted session, which actually seems good, but I’m not sure how much it’s going to be and if we’ll be given partners when we get there, or just partner up on our own or what not, since there might be more girls than boys and all that jazz, so have to see when it comes to it, but I’m completely bot against dancing with a girl as my partner.

Quote/saying of the day(s): I guess nothing puts a damper on a one-night stand as much as your friend pointing out all the opportunities where you might have been killed. – Mindy Kaling.

The old and the new may meet one day…

So today I had my first class group lesson, it was good, we were split into groups a we did a couple getting to know you exercises and all that jazz. And then we decided on what we were going to do for our study.

As I had thought there were no males in my class group and apparently, there’ s about 27 males to 200 and something females in the whole of psychology. So yeah there isn’t many males doing psychology, but it was nice I suppose being in an all female class and therefore an all female group to do my study, but we’ve decided to meet up tomorrow to start and actually hopefully finish it.

I was meant to go out shopping with some friends today, but when I went over to their’s they weren’t there, so I was left behind and not knowing anything about the place, I just ended up heading home and having a night in, while chatting with the girls from back home and making plans for one to come up here – or rather down here – the Sunday after next. Which will be nice to see her and all that jazz, but she’s coming really late and I’m thinking it would have been nicer if she could have come by earlier and meet some of my ‘new friends’ and have some pre-drinks and what not, but I’m going to have to find out how to get to the train station, from my place, which I’m not looking forward too, because I’m not even sure if the train station I google mapped is the one that she’ll be at, so I might asked my friend from house 3, if she knows about the trains and all that jazz and see where that goes first, I might be able to persuade her to come with me to pick up my friend and therefore have someone with me that knows and area, meaning it would be less likely that I get lost and end up in the middle of nowhere late at night, in skimpy clothing, because I will probably be wearing skimpy clothing, as we might go straight out from the train station, although she will probably want to put her stuff away in my room, so I don’t know about that. Oh so much to work out and then there’s the budding ‘friendship’ with the people that congregate outside house 50 to maintain, so far so good, but I haven’t bother to chat to them at all today, which might be a problem or something like that, as they’re all lively outside right now.

Lively translating into rowdy and loud and probably drunk. But they’re the kind of people I think I would want to be drunk around all the time, but I’ve had a little to drink, but I’m not at all drunk. Just tired and feeling a little down, about not going out today really at all – socially. But I do have an early morning tomorrow, so I think I won’t bother with them tonight, I can see about tomorrow timetable and getting drunk tomorrow, but I want to get some more booze in, so I’m going to see about going shopping tomorrow as well, but I don’t know when I’m going to finish and I was going to go back to house 3, but I also don’t know when they’ll be around. Although I think I now have one of their numbers I’m not sure because I’ve sent the usual ‘Who is this?’ text, but no reply, so it could be anyone, as far as I know. But I have a feeling it’s them, just a hunch, so I’m hoping they will reply tomorrow and we can hang out, because they’re nice people and all that jazz and I think we could be fast friends, which would be nice, since that way I have ‘let’s get drunk and go out friend’ and also ‘let’s sit about and watch random stuff’ friends and then they’re the people I have met in my psychology group, who all seem nice, so I’ve also got potential psychology friends – I didn’t need to worry about making friends. As it seems I’m quite popular to my own surprise. I have no idea why, it’s not like I bring all that much to the table, apart from my amazing self of course.

Quote/saying of the day: One of my proudest moments is that I did not sell my soul for the sake of popularity – George. W. Bush

The lengthening of the personal list…

So it seems to humans at large first are something we – more or less – strive for. To be the first person to do something, or just to do something for the first time. When we’re young firsts are easy to come by; the first time you stand up or perhaps the first time you smile and so on and so forth. But as we grow older those firsts get more hard to come by and so with a lot of people it seems that the irregularity of the event just makes them more… special.

Alright so I’m talking about firsts, because I had my first time last night, or suppose it was really this morning. So I guess I’m living up to my promiscuous reputation now, as it was with a guy who I only met that night, although apparently I did meet him before, when I went to another party at his place, last year.

Personally I don’t know why girls go on and on about how much it hurts, because well it didn’t really for me, a tiny bit at first, but then it was pretty great. I mean maybe it’s the guy or maybe it’s something to do with me, although apparently because I used to ride horses when I was younger that makes a difference and if that’s the case, I’m so glade that I did.

Although I had to walk through the city with a couple love bites on my neck, so that was fun. But I was so tired by that point – mainly due to the fact that I hadn’t eaten since the night before, and we went for round 2 in the morning – that I didn’t really give a dam about the slight stares and wolf whistles. It seems today held a bunch of firsts, since I kind of did my first walk of shame, which consisted of me wishing I was at my place so I could go back to sleep, so it wasn’t really, at all, shame that I was feeling.

Unfortunately for me, I had to find out the hard way that there are no buses on Sundays, which meant I was stranded in town at midday with no money to take a taxi and a funky feeling between my legs. So I did the only thing I could think of I texted a friend asking if she’d do me a favour, she sort of refused, it was more like she couldn’t be she got her boyfriend to come a pick me up, if I paid for petrol. So I paid for petrol, with my bus money and got home safe and sound and went straight to bed to sleep the day away. Only to wake up and release the father would be around any minuet and I wasn’t willing to have to explain the love bites, so I put a plaster over one and covered the other with my new Olympic hoody, I think he might have guessed, but no questions were asked, so I’m fine.

alright so I saw this picture and just had to add it to this post.

Although after charging it a little I got some worried texts from the friend that had invited me to the party in the first place, informing me of something, which confirmed my earlier apprehension. So I could be pregnant, but after doing a little research on the internet, I’m going to go and get the morning after pill, some time in the next 2 days hopefully, if I can even get into the city to get it and after that it’s just a waiting game I suppose, but honestly I think I’m going to be alright, but if not I’m going to find my first and punch him in the face so hard it shatters all his teeth, but lets hope it doesn’t come to that shall we. I suppose this is a learning experience for me in more ways than one.

I’m meant to be going into town on Wednesday any ways, but I think that’s a little too late, so I might try and get in tomorrow, although don’t know if that’s going to happen, if not then Tuesday is a must, although I’m thinking the sooner the better here.

Quotes/sayings of the day: Thou know’st the first time that we smell the air we wawl and cry. When we are born we cry, that we are come to this great state of fools. – William Shakespeare

Whenever a thing is done for the first time, it releases a little demon. – Emily Dickinson

Alrighty, so I wanted to put some music on the end of this one, because well because. I feel like I’ve seen the singer in this video before, but his name doesn’t ring a bell.

Falling down the holes in the plan…

So it seems I’ve been on a bit of a downhill spiral recently, although the presence of my father and his girlfriend aren’t helping. It’s not that I don’t like having them around, it’s just that there’s something about having them around that just wakes up this part of me, maybe it’s because when their not here I can stuff all the bad emotions and what not into a little box in the back of my head and get on with the shit that I have to do, but when they’re around I just can’t seem to do that. And then there’s this little part of me that always conscious of what I’m doing around other people and that part of me is the part that doesn’t want to do anything, eat, drink etc in front of other people, I think that all goes back to the time when I kind of was half starving myself, because I was just never hungry, plus I was sort of suicidal back then, well more suicidal back then. I mean I’ve sort of got a handle on things now, but every now and then, more so when my emotions are running high, then those sort of thought tumble back in.

It’s sort of odd, but when I’m around my father I get this ‘feeling’ – best word for it – that I have to live up to certain expectation, but not the good ones, the ones where I’m a good person and successful, but the bad ones. It’s like all the bad things about, me the selfishness and the inability to achieve, sudden get amplified. I’m not blaming my father for it, it’s just happened when he’s around and not just him, but mainly him. It’s like I don’t want to try, because there’s not point, because all those things he’s thinking are true and that I might as well have fun, or rather sulk in my own misery, than actually try and prove him wrong.

And people say I’m smart… God are they wrong. I’m not stupid though. Well not all the time. I’m average and I’ve come to terms with that fact about myself. I probably had the potential to be smart way back when, but that’s gone now the factors of my life have stunted that.

So I’ve been watching Hannibal recently. Although I’m only on the second episode. These sorts of programs tend of give me a negative view of people, but that usually wears off in a couple of minutes after I stop watching, so it’s all good. Probably just the years of desensitisation kicking in, or something along those lines.

I’m just feeling frustrated today, because I’ve been really unproductive all weekend and that’s horrible, at the start of the week I had a plan and up until Friday/Saturday I was following it to the letter – unlike other plans I’ve devised in the past. But now everything has gone awry – The best laid plans of mice and men and all that jazz. But I did plan for this, just didn’t plan for me, if that makes any sense at all. Dam I wish I could just skip over the next 2 and a half weeks.

Quote/saying of the day: The best laid plans of mice and men, often go awry – Robert Burns

Jumping up and down in the hopes the fat will fall out…

So I’ve dyed my hair and although it’s not as vibrant as I would have liked, it’s still good. Although I wasn’t completely expecting it to be that vibrant on my dark and over already dyed hair. I only did the end blue, which although is blue, has a green tinge to it as well and also looks a black flecked blue in low light, but I sort of like that about it, in a way. Makes it more unique or something like that.

So any ways me and a couple of friends were looking into going away this summer, unfortunately it looks like we won’t be going abroad, because they can’t afford it, which is quite saddening. I suggested going camping, which would probably be cheaper, but then there’s a problem with the cars and all that jazz, since we can use my fathers car in the UK, but not outside of the UK. So it looks like camping in the UK, probably Cornwall, like we did last years, which was fun and it’s meant to be great weather this summer, which I am looking forward to. Yay for the sunshine. And even if we do end up camping in the UK, I’m still heading off to Jamaica this year, to go see the family and enjoy and delights of that wonderful country. Plus I might book a couple days by the beach, because the family lives in-land, so we would have to drive quite a way to the beach and they just might make me go to church, which isn’t to bad because it’s Jamaican church, which it a lot better and more fun that English church – I’m talking about Christianity here BTW.

So I’m still on my diet, although I don’t think I’m losing any weight, but I think I have lost some fat. As I’ve added exercise to my daily routine, I think that I might be building muscle and – fingers crossed – losing fat, so I’m not losing any weight, but I am thinning or less fat. Which I’m happy about, since I don’t really want to lose weight I just want to lose fat, and since muscle weighs more than fat, I won’t mind if my weight went up for that reason. Although this could just be wishful thinking on my part and the diet could not be working for me, since it doesn’t restrict how much you eat, just what you eat, which is one of the nice things about it.

Quote/saying of the day: If nature had intended our skeletons to be visible it would have put them on the outside of our bodies. ~Elmer Rice

Let’s talk about my newly reformed desire to self mutilate…

Right so… I seem to be starting a lot of paragraphs with so. But any ways. I’ve been thinking about getting my ears pierced, I mean the upper part of my ear, which I did learn the name of and then properly forgot. I’m already had my lobes done, but ear piercing is quite expensive to save on money, I’ve been looking into doing it myself. Now I’m not super keen on the needle and ice method, so I was looking into getting my own gun, but then that seems a ikle bit dangerous – espically in my hands – but then I found this plastic things, that seem to be a good idea for me.

So that’s what it looks like. You just squeeze your ear between the two parts and there you go pierced. The only think is, I was looking at earring for piercing in that area of the ear and I noticed that they looked bigger that standard earrings. Now I’m not sure if that is just because of the computer screen or the photo or what not, but there is always the possibility that they are and don’t want to pierce it with this tiny hole, then have to push a huge earring through it later, so I’m going to buy each and compare and if it is bigger, then I will have to work something out, like piercing my ear, then taking the piercing out and putting the bigger one in, but I don’t want to do that in case of infection and I imagine it will hurt, as it will probably be fiddly trying to get the second earring in, but hey ho and all that jazz.

Yes so now I’ve gone and got myself a pair of hoop earrings, some ear care after care solution and a cute blue one time use ear piercing gun, with which I am going to pierce my ears this weekend or at least the end of this week, because that’s when they arrive, Wednesday or Thursday.

So I was thinking – there goes the so again – about taking some pictures of my hair and popping them into this post, but then it got to well now and I just can’t be bothered, since I’m really tired from the day, as we did Easter today instead of tomorrow and I’m not feeling well, but I still pushed myself to do my usual exercise routine, which was a mistake, but we live and learn and all that jazz. So I’ll take some pictures tomorrow and post them some time this weekend or maybe the beginning of next, when I have the time and can be bothered and remember to basically. Because I might be going out Tuesday-Wednesday and I’m diffidently going out Monday night, so I don’t know when I’ll have the time and all that jazz, but I’ll find some.

Oh and also I’ve decided what I want to get as a tattoo. I’ve been thinking about this for about the past 7 to 8 years and now I think I know what I want. I wanted to make sure that I would like it for as long as I live and not just get something on the spur of the moment and now I’ve made a decision. I always thought people that got tattoos on the spur of the moment were a little silly. I mean it’s all cool and everything to get a tattoo of your favourite bands logo, but what about if in maybe 20 years you realise that actually that band sucks, because you ever just a silly youngest with no sense of music, sure there are going to be some people that have great music sense, even when they’re young and will still love the same bands when they’re old and grey, but that’s not everyone now is it. I want my tat to mean something more and I’m not doing it because I think it’s cool or anything like that, I’m doing it because I think it’s… beautiful and dedicated and I’m real interesting in the tradition of tattoos, although that’s another thing really. Maybe those weren’t the right words, but they were what I came up with, then trying to describe the feelings I have for tats. So any ways I’ve decided to get Latin writing and a butterfly, since butterflies have been a fascination of mine since I was old enough to understand what a butterfly was and also I fit in with the writing and meaning behind the writing as well. Normally I would put what I wanted, but I’m tired and don’t want to have to go into explaining it, so I’m not going to.