From Mountains to Glens

Just some rambles from the averge univserity graduate… who’s looking for something in her life… Continue reading

UP, down, Turn Around… haunt me twister…

Just another day in the life of an average University student… who made a mistake, with a manipulative mindset in mind… Continue reading

Take a week away from home at home… summer!

Just another week in the life of an average university student… Continue reading

To being self-centric… and not suicidal

So Christmas is over and we’re into a new year.

Usually when I enter into a new year, I get this impending sense of – for lack of a better word – doom. Like I haven’t done what I should/could/wanted to do that past year and so my life is going to be a disaster. But this year not so much, maybe because I started university, so that’s a major step towards something… or maybe because I started being me. Alright that might sound weird or whatever, but honest for about 7-9 years of my life, I have tried to be someone other than myself. There wasn’t really someone in particular that I wanted to be, I just didn’t want to be me, honestly that’s where the suicidal tendencies stem from, I think. Although I sort of still have an odd suicidal moment, so there’s probably more to that. If I continued going to therapy and stopped lying to my therapist, I think I’d probably find out what all that’s about, but I’ve be analysing myself since I was about 6 or maybe 7 – I’m not very good with time, or dates or anything or that sort, I think that’s why I find it so easy to get lost down the rabbit hole, as some people refer to it as.

Buy honestly I don’t want to die, actually I want to live forever and I do sometimes tell people that, at which point they either laugh or give me ‘I think you’re completely insane’ look, but I’m ok with that, because one way or another I’m going to live forever.

But yeah… onwards. So this year I haven’t really made new years resolutions, because well I never keep to them and for the past 10+ years my resolution has been the same thing ‘finish a novel’, but I’m still trying for that, when it will happen? who knows! and who cares, I’m trying and that’s not something I do all that often, not really.

I mean it’s a whole evolved defence mechanism and it’s the reason I’m not in a relationship and I’ve never had one that lasted longer than a month – I think, maybe shorter – and also I’m cruel, so there’s that.

So I got what I wanted for Christmas. I think as people get older, they stop thinking that Christmas is such a big deal and stop wanting things or rather asking for things for the occasion, which is part of the reason why I got my brother a box of sweets for Christmas, because I didn’t want to just give him money and all that jazz.

But any ways I keep side tracking as per usual. So this year I want to be more me and I want to have a good time, which includes going on holiday this summer or at least to the seaside a bunch. Last year me and some friends decided we were going to make going to Cornwall a yearly holiday for us, to keep the group together and all that, not that we really need it it seems. But since no one can drive, because our usual driving got into an accident, she can’t afford the insurance and none of the rest of us can drive, two of the group are learn and the other can’t because she has/had epilepsy and you’re not allowed to drive on the meds she was taking and all that jazz and I don’t drive, because… well because of personal reasons. So Cornwall seems to be off the list, due to the fact we would have to take the train down and then find a way to get to the camp site and apparently there isn’t any buses around there, or something. I want to go to a different country, but one of the group is a super home buddy. Honestly she doesn’t want to go anywhere or meet anyone new, she refused to let my friend come to her party because she was going to bring her new boyfriend, she just didn’t want to meet anyone new – this just doesn’t make much sense to me. I’m trying not to be super judgemental or anything, but I like meeting new people and seeing new places, even if it sometimes scares the shit out of me. The we’re all a little short on cash, so I don’t think they’ll want to leave the country or anything like that

So over Christmas I found out that one of my friends has dropped out of university, because she couldn’t handle being away from home – she has some pretty bad anxiety problems. So she’s back home and is thinking of doing a horse care course, or something like that.

See for me being here and being at home weren’t that different when I came, apart from I had to deal with my own finances, as I had to do my own shopping  and what not. That sounds like I’m fishing for sympathy  and maybe on some level I am. I mean my father doesn’t like me as much as my brothers, probably because he doesn’t know how to handle me, since I’m a girl and all that jazz, but he still loves me. So I’m not really fishing, I’m telling the truth here, it’s like if I told someone that, I think it would be a – as my friend like to say – ‘woe is me’ story, but it’s not. I mean my father worked away from home, so he stayed with his girlfriend and I stayed at home alone, hence the lack of difference between here and home, I mean there actually are people living in this house, so that’ different, but not family members. I guess if I had been closer with my family, I a more dependent sort of way, then I would be pretty home sick and all that.

Any ways more swiftly on. I got this book called ‘The wisdom of psychopaths’ for Christmas and after beginning to read it, I’m finding it really interesting. I mean I’m already weirdly hooked on psychopaths and others, hence the psychology degree – although I’m not sure if that’s the best reasons to be trying to become a psychologist. But in this book it states that depression, on a short term basis at least, is actually good for you, because people who are depressed are more focused, or something to that affect, although I think on a long term basis depression isn’t good for you and I don’t think I was more focus when I was depressed, but maybe I just didn’t notice, or maybe that was because of the lack of sleep and food. I don’t think I really want to find out.

But as they say new year new me, but since this coming week is a revision week for me, I’m thinking I won’t bother going to be lectures, but I might go to Monday ones and see what they’re like, because apparently I only have one Exam this time, so I don’t see why I should have to go to the other lectures, when I could be revision for my exam, also I haven’t done my coursework, which is due Monday – classic me – so I might have to skip my first Monday lecture to finish that, because I’m probably going to end up writing it all tomorrow, because I feel completely out of whack today – that’s really just an excuse not to do any work.

So I decided I am going to try and enter some writing competitions this year, starting with the writers Forum – magazine – writing competitions, but that means putting money on my printing card thing, because I told the father that I won’t need the printer he wanted to give me, because we just had to hand things in online – didn’t think about hard copy writing competitions, you see you have to be a subscriber to enter online and I don’t have the money to become a subscriber, which reminds me, I have to join the BPS – British Psychological Society – you have to be a member to practice – apparently – and it’s cheaper to join now, rather than later.

So this is my new years-ish, post – I know I know, but what the heck, I’ve got time.

I heard this the other day and although it stalker-ish, I sort of like it, but it’s not my new year song.


Falling down the holes in the plan…

So it seems I’ve been on a bit of a downhill spiral recently, although the presence of my father and his girlfriend aren’t helping. It’s not that I don’t like having them around, it’s just that there’s something about having them around that just wakes up this part of me, maybe it’s because when their not here I can stuff all the bad emotions and what not into a little box in the back of my head and get on with the shit that I have to do, but when they’re around I just can’t seem to do that. And then there’s this little part of me that always conscious of what I’m doing around other people and that part of me is the part that doesn’t want to do anything, eat, drink etc in front of other people, I think that all goes back to the time when I kind of was half starving myself, because I was just never hungry, plus I was sort of suicidal back then, well more suicidal back then. I mean I’ve sort of got a handle on things now, but every now and then, more so when my emotions are running high, then those sort of thought tumble back in.

It’s sort of odd, but when I’m around my father I get this ‘feeling’ – best word for it – that I have to live up to certain expectation, but not the good ones, the ones where I’m a good person and successful, but the bad ones. It’s like all the bad things about, me the selfishness and the inability to achieve, sudden get amplified. I’m not blaming my father for it, it’s just happened when he’s around and not just him, but mainly him. It’s like I don’t want to try, because there’s not point, because all those things he’s thinking are true and that I might as well have fun, or rather sulk in my own misery, than actually try and prove him wrong.

And people say I’m smart… God are they wrong. I’m not stupid though. Well not all the time. I’m average and I’ve come to terms with that fact about myself. I probably had the potential to be smart way back when, but that’s gone now the factors of my life have stunted that.

So I’ve been watching Hannibal recently. Although I’m only on the second episode. These sorts of programs tend of give me a negative view of people, but that usually wears off in a couple of minutes after I stop watching, so it’s all good. Probably just the years of desensitisation kicking in, or something along those lines.

I’m just feeling frustrated today, because I’ve been really unproductive all weekend and that’s horrible, at the start of the week I had a plan and up until Friday/Saturday I was following it to the letter – unlike other plans I’ve devised in the past. But now everything has gone awry – The best laid plans of mice and men and all that jazz. But I did plan for this, just didn’t plan for me, if that makes any sense at all. Dam I wish I could just skip over the next 2 and a half weeks.

Quote/saying of the day: The best laid plans of mice and men, often go awry – Robert Burns

Have a Happy Blue Monday..!

Hello everyone, now it’s Blue Monday..! Oh no we must be sad.

Apparent it’s the day when the most suicides happen, but who can be sure?

But today isn’t just Blue Monday… Honestly! So hello American’s and others for a matter of fact, because today is Martin Luther King Jr Day. Martin Luther King Jr. Day is an American federal holiday, marking the birthday of Martin Luther King Jr. It is observed on the third Monday of January each year, which is around the time of King’s birthday, January 15. So there’s something to be happy about, let’s all celebrate a little the life of Martin Luther King Jr.

But if that doesn’t cheer you up then maybe this song about happiness will.

Today wasn’t exactly a great day or anything and I can say that I get why it’s – supposedly – the day that most people commit suicide on and well to be honest they say January is most depressing Month and then it’s just Monday is usually kind of a depressing day, so rounding it all off, I get where those people are coming from. Not that I’m encouraging anyone to try or anything like that, I just understand – sort of – what’s going on in their nugget.

So I’m just sitting and waiting for next month to arrive, because I promised myself that next month I would make some drastic changes and I’m going to keep my promise – I say through gritted teeth, wishing I had never made the promise in the first place. But I’m going to keep this one and achieve my goal, although it might be small and some what insignificant, it’s for me, so who cares if no one else cares about it..? Not me! I’m still having problems writing, but I’m hoping that finding a quiet place to write will work that out, because at the moment I don’t really have one, during the day.

Alright so I’m not meant to know and all that jazz, but I do and I’m not sure how I feel about it. A close friend of mine is basically considering cheating on her significant other. She’s a bit of a slut and I think that fine, by my standards she not really slut, but I’m going on the rest of the ‘world’s’ standards here and I’ve cheated before, so I can’t really talk here, but the guy’s also my friend, alright we’re not as close, but still. There’s a part of me that thinks I should try and convince her not to do it, but then again I’m thinking that if she’s does it now, that might save him some heart brake now instead of when he’s completely infatuated with her, although by the actions he might already be. But then again I could help him to see it, not straight out tell him, but push him that way, but I don’t want to ruin their relationship, because of a moment of doubt on her part, that was just that and nothing more. Ergh, I shouldn’t have ask about it, maybe I’ll just pretend that I don’t know anything. The hear no, see no, speak no route.

Don’t get it? Look it up, I can’t be bothered to explain right now.