If I headed for the hills would you come with me?

So I’ve sort of worked it out with my friends, honestly it wasn’t that hard, because they’re modern people and can put stuff aside and move on, which I’m not sure if is a good or bad thing in the long run, but I suppose right now that doesn’t matter too much.

My new atomizer arrived today, so I’ve been vaping on that all day and I have to say that it is amazing compared to my old ones, you can really taste the e-juice, plus with the istick the old atomisers had a habit of spitting hot juice at me and breaking quickly, so I’m really glade it arrived today, because my throat can’t take any more boiling liquid being splashed on it. I know why don’t I just stop for a while? Well I’m not too sure, I suppose I’m a little hooked or something – and I’m not even vaping the stuff with nicotine.

I’ve been looking into festivals to go to over the summer, since I think my dreams of going abroad with my friends are dashed, not that I’m going to stop trying and what not, but I’m looking for fun things to do, just in case that doesn’t work out, plus it seems that everyone is making summer plans, bar me, so I want to do something. I am not just going to lazy around all summer, I’ve got about 4 months off, because of freshers and my exams finishing so early and what not, so I’m going to try and make the most of it, even if that means I can’t do it with my friends like I would have liked.

Sure I’m far to scared to go travelling abroad by myself, mainly because I’m not the luckiest person or the most cautious person in the world, which when you add being in the country where you don’t know the language or anyone or anything, can be dangerous combination and I’m quite a shy and timid person in strange, wonderful and new places, so I might not have as good a time, plus it could be really lonely and how wants to feel lonely?

And then there’s travelling alone as a woman – I know that’s sort of sexist or whatever – but I feel like in some places it’s not the best idea.

But I have to believe in my… faith I guess you would call it, why not faith in the universe. It’s this idea or theory or idea based on a religious idea/ideal, that if you want something bad enough the whole universe conspires to help make it happen, that’s not to say that you don’t have to try and universe does not do things for you, it just helps. Because in my own potentially twisted way I do believe in destiny and although I may never be prime minister or leader of the free world or whatever, I hope I’m going to live forever. I know wishful, slightly delusional thinking, but hey ho I’m slightly delusional and I like to daydream, well I’ve know that about myself for a long time and there is the possibility – although I’m ready to give in to it yet – that a daydreaming is all I am. I suppose in the grand scheme of things it’s not the worst life to live and perhaps one day I’ll write a book based on it and that’s how I’m gain my immortality.

So me and the friends went to Nando’s for dinner – yay Nando’s so exciting! – but it was a bit of an ego boost for me, because there was this table of guys that was checking me out and I’m in pretty boring cloths today, just my rock and roll top and blue jeans, nothing special. I don’t need other to validate my beauty or whatever, but I do appreciate.

After all the Chicken or beans in my case, because I wanted to know how they were going to put my beans in the burger and of course it was just like how you could expect, but I did get this cool can of iced tea – it’s a little sad how much I like the can my tea came in, but oh well. I went round to my friend place to finish off the pudding we bought yesterday and we were going to watch Big Bang Theory, but in the end we just started talking about travelling and Japanese culture and culture in general and how Western/English people are really becoming more and more egocentric and how we think children shouldn’t have so much technology all the time and all that jazz.

Your Travel Personality Is: The Adventurer

For you, travel is how you learn about the world. And you like to learn the stuff that’s not in guidebooks.
You truly have wanderlust. When you’re not traveling, you’re dreaming about where you’ll go next.
And your travels are truly legendary – they leave you with stories you’ll be telling for the rest of your life!

Quote/saying of the day: The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. – Lao Tzu

I’m sorry, but you can’t tell me who I am today, perhaps tomorrow?

An introspection retold for the sake of my lack of confuse, or in other words a little piece of me. An average university student… Continue reading

Suppressing myself with external joy…

Sitting on my bed with a small glass of rum and a newspaper, aren’t I sophisticated? Well not really, since I was cutting up the newspaper and putting my fingers in the rum. I was trying out this thing my friend had told me about where you paint your nails, then place them in some form of alcohol and then press the newspaper to them, to transfer the words onto your nails, unfortunately the nail polish I was wearing at the time was a little too dark to be able to see the words properly, so I’m going to try again tomorrow.

Alright so this weekend, I was invited to go to a film night and I was also invited to go to Barry Island. I agreed to both, but now I thinking oh dear, maybe I should just pick out. I think a day out to Barry would be really fun, so I want to go, but then I got some bad news recently and I kind of want to get a little pissed and act ‘young’. I might see about coming back from Barry a little earlier than planned and try and do both.

Oh it would be nice if it was this sunny this weekend, but I don’t think that is going to happen.

Alright so today was an emotional day among my friends. So this whole argument has continued and now every time one party – the female one, for the sake of not making you confused, we’ll call her Jane – the other party – the male one, for the sake of not making you confused we’ll call him Jone – walks out of the room. He says it’s because he doesn’t want to fight any more and because he has a quick temper – which he does – he will start a fight with her, if he’s in the same room as her. So Jane was hanging out with a couple of us, while the rest of us were hanging with Jone, I was moving from one bunch to the other, sort of joining with conversations and trying not to make a big deal about them not hanging together. But then Suddenly out of no where – to me, but I think they had been talking about it when I wasn’t there – decides to go to Jone’s group and talk – just talk mind you. But when Jane turns up, not wanted to fight Jone walks away, so – Let’s call her Will – Will get’s mad at him for always walking off and begins to shout at him, but Jone leaves. Jane get’s emotional and begins to cry, saying how it was all too much and some other stuff, finishing with how she wants to be friends again and not fight any more, then leaves to find her boyfriend. After a short few minutes to conversation about what Jane said – Will left with her – Jone returns to comfort his girlfriend – let’s call her Harriet. But Harriet is also getting emotional – as to be expected – and so leaves, now after prompting from another, he follows her. Then – let’s call her Caroline – Caroline is also emotion at this point, so there was a bit of girl time there. I’m not sure how much of a help I was, but I think I did alright, I like to be there for my friends to pick them up when they’re feeling down.

So yeah, emotional. I don’t know what is going to happen from now on, but I hope things can work out somehow, because I love all my friends, sure there are some things about them that I could live without, but I’m sure they would say the same thing about me. But they are part of them and the good stuff about them completely over shadows anything bad – in my opinion, which doesn’t seem to be the majority opinion.

Is there something emotionless about the way I just wrote out about my friends being emotional? I feel like I’m just completely drained of emotion, but yet stuff with it, at the same time. It’s sort of like a fuzzy feeling, but not a good one. I want to do something, but then I don’t know what to do and I just feel like I have to be a bystander and watch as everything plays out. I suppose that may always be my role the innocent – or not so innocent – bystander. Maybe it’s not the worst place to be. I just don’t want to give into my empathetic side and let all that come rushing in, because I don’t think I could handle that particular cocktail of emotions. But there’s something so isolating about my role, not that I’m really complaining about not being part of other people arguments, but… I’m not sure where I’m going with this really. It’s just that there’s something really big going on with me right now, but I don’t feel like I can talk to my friends about it, because they’re all court up in this shit storm and I don’t want to add to the stuff that they’re dealing with and also I think there’s this part of me that just wants to forget about it and pretend that it’s not happen. Not have to face it and deal with my situation, but then there’s a time limit on these sort of things, so I know that I can’t do that.

I’m suffocating on suppressed emotions, for the sake of myself and my friends. But I’m not an open person, so maybe I can do this by myself – time to try and find my silver lining I suppose…

Quote/saying of the day: Pessimism – Every dark cloud has a silver lining, but lighting kills hundreds of people each year who are trying to find it – Larry Kersten.

The average person strikes again, colour hair and love potion in hand.

Alright so I skipped out on my friends with Thursday and Friday and to cover up where I was lied to one of them. To there face, although it seems I’m well versed in such tactics of covering my tracks, just well enough that people aren’t suspicious enough to look too closely, maybe unless they read this blog, but then that’s not going to happen any time soon – I hope.

So I spent Friday night trawling the internet looking for a way to not have to go out this Saturday and buy myself copious amounts of hair dye, which I will then waste, because I will only be using a small amount of the stuff. I’m dying my hair multicoloured. Well I’m dying strips of it, not the whole thing and sort of randomly. But luckily for me the internet provided me with the solution to that particular problem. And so I’ve been mixing up my own hair dye, not that it’s not going to work that well on as darker hair as mine, since I’m not willing to bleach my hair, because I don’t want or think I’ll look good with blonde hair, no offence to blonde, it just wouldn’t suit me. Blonde hair can look really wrong on certain people and I’m pretty sure I’m one of those people. but either way I wasn’t thinking I would be able to get super vibrant colour any ways, as  I was going to dye my hair black to start with, then all the colour over the top. I’ve been trying them out, but I’m not sure about a couple of methods that I’ve found, because apparently they can damage your hair, not that my hair isn’t already damaged, from the excessive straightening and what not.

So I only had to go to the corner shop to get what I wanted – mostly. There was some things that I already had, so that was good, less spending for me, as I’m trying and failing to save up my money, for the oncoming years – meaning the summer time, this year and the rest of my life. I want to do a lot this summer, but having the funds to do that ‘a lot’ is important. Because it seems that the rumours are true, the rich have it better, just not the really rich and powerful. I never want to be really really rich and powerful. I mean it’s alright for some, but not me. I want to be rich and have a slight amount of power at the most. I mean I don’t think things would be good if I was really really powerful the world might fall apart even more than it is and I might become the next… Hitler or something. I can be a bit of an extremist sometimes – alright all the time when it comes to new things. Not that I’m a terrorist or anything, that’s why I don’t get myself into politics. It’s not because I can’t be bothered, it’s because I know that my opinion is on the side that most people in this country are rooting against. Well I suppose it’s good news for the government, one less extremist to have to deal with and no need to worry in the future, I’m staying well away. I’ll just write about it in FICTION. That’s my way of dealing with such things. I get why people get all wrapped up in politics and good for you, but that’s not me and I wish people could respect that a little at least. But what the hell, everyone’s only human right? – until they’re not any more.

Alright so I’ve been watching this TV series Heroes – I think I might have mentioned it before, but I can’t be bothered to find out if I have or not. Here’s a summary; This groundbreaking sci-fi drama intertwines the stories of a disparate group of people who suddenly discover they possess superhuman abilities. Well that’s what it says on the TV series version of a blurb – forgotten what that’s called. So this has got me thinking about genetics, as I’m sort of into that sort of thing, but more like cross species genetics, although I don’t really know all that much about it, because well apparently I’m not smart enough to learn about such things. So I sort of put it on hold, until I’m out of education and don’t have to take any more tests, so I can fill my brain with useful things. I wanted to do Neurobiology at University, but you have to do biology at A level to be able to do that and I didn’t get the grades, so that went down the drain way too fast, not that I can’t learn about it, just because some test says that I don’t have the smarts. I have a very low opinion of tests, but then I’m not very good at them so, it makes sense that I would. But I’m not bad enough at them to warrant help. I mean most basic exams aren’t really tests of how well you can do a certain subject, they’re tests to see how well you can recreate yourself to their construct. Such as with my brother. During college he took Philosophy and he was really good at the subject, since he’s really smart. I mean not a genius, but smart, way over average old me – not that I like to admit that to him. So his teacher actually told him that he was really good at the subject and that he would do well in the field, I can’t remember the exact wording, so I’m just putting the gist. But his teacher also told him that he wouldn’t do well in the exam, because he didn’t write the essays in the format that was required. How stupid is that. You fail in the subject that you are good at, because you didn’t structure your essay in the perfect way that they want you to. I mean my brain doesn’t really work like that, so I sometimes find it hard to write like that and when it do, most of the time it comes out like crap, really. But they would rather have the crap, then an intelligent answer? I don’t really understand the educational system, maybe I’m just looking at it wrong or maybe I’m not ‘young’ to understand this stupidity. I mean come on, we do well in exams they make them harder, then wonder why everyone is doing so badly, so they make them easier again! It’s stupid and heavily flawed. I wonder whether they can’t find some more common ground to test us on, or something? But there really isn’t much I can do right now about all that and by the time I can, I won’t be bothered, because I just want to get out of education and start working, but to do what I want to do, I have to stick it out until the bitter sweet end.

I think some of that made sense, at least I hope it did. I mean I’m not stupid – despite what some people might think – although I’m not really smart either. I believe myself to be just above average or maybe just average and I’m happy with that, because being smart seems like it could be a burden at times, although nice as well. I mean I understand when smart people are talking, most of the time, I get what they’re saying and all that jazz, it’s just… I’m not sure. Maybe it’s my appallingly bad memory or something that’s holding me to my average status – well we can’t all be geniuses, because then we wouldn’t be.

Weird thought, sort of changing topics, but my friends were arguing about what love is and one of them was insisting that love was just chemicals. Well if that’s true, then why hasn’t anyone tried to make a love potion of sorts? Or have they? And if so it must have failed, because they would be one hell of a drug. You could make millions off of something like that, but I think it would be black market stuff, because of the hundreds of ethical issues, there would be an up raw about it, but people would still want it and I bet there would be a lot of ‘crazy’ men and women that would covert the stuff, so you would still make a killing off of it.

Might be a good idea for a book there. Although I know there have been books and films about this sort of thing.

On the bus in the eye of the storm

Sometimes I feel like fate is sitting on my shoulder whispering encouragement in my ear, just so it can smash me back down again. Recently things have been going, well not the best but a hell of a lot better, even the several medical things seem to be less of a problem. And I was starting to think, oh maybe that things would be all great. Well at least that the sky would stay blue, but in spite of this optimism the sky turned grey and the storm began. Now at the moment I feel slightly like I’m sitting in the eye of the storm, watching the world get torn apart and just sitting waiting for it to be my turn.

(My life is like the end of the Italian Job, the original/ good version) – haven’t seen it, go watch it right NOW!

Any ways so today wasn’t the best of days as you might be able to tell from my paragraph of metaphors and tomorrow isn’t looking to be a bundle of joy either. I just sort of feel like I’m going back in time and things are all getting bad again and to be honest most people are being kind of selfish, so I’m being selfish. I know that’s not really the way to handle things, but at the moment I just can’t be bothered to be bothered. Maybe that’s harsh and maybe I should be there more for people, but I don’t want to go back to being ‘trying to be there for everyone and ending up feeling like a have no one at all in the world’. They were dark times for me and I’m happy to have shaken them off – mainly – so I hope you get why I wouldn’t want to go back, so the sake of saving someone from themselves or perhaps each other, when they could actually work it out without me. Not that I’m saying that I don’t care at all and if someone asks I will decline and I don’t want to be excluded so much that at the end of it, I’m just sitting on the outside looking in the rain spattered window – if you get what I’m saying – I just don’t want to take too much of an active role in the whole thing, just to have it blow up in my face, that’s all and as I said it maybe really selfish, but I’ve got time to repent of such things, but you grow older by the second, we’re not young forever, now are we.

Speaking of forever, I’m still trying to devise a plan that will enable me to live forever and I think I’ve cracked the surface of it. I’m not saying that there is complete certainty, but I think I’m on the right track, or I’m staring at the right track, trying to work out if it’s the right track. But that’s not the point the point is that I’m going to live forever and ever and ever and never – hopefully – die. Although I will grow old and probably get some nasty disease and spend a large amount of time thinking about my youth, just as I’m sure, many other older people, like I will be, do. Not that I’m saying that’s all elderly people do. I mean a lot of them are just as active as we youngster, maybe actually even more, than a lot of youngsters. I mean my Grandma used to do a lot more exercise than me, but at the moment she can’t because of her knee, being all banged up. But we’re all hoping she get’s better soon.

I just heard this song yesterday and I haven’t heard it in a while, so yeah… here it is. Plus it’s sort of lightens the whole post up a bit – doesn’t it?