New day, New Year, New decade…

So it’s been who knows how long since the last time I posted. But it’s a new year and why not?

So last year – very near the end of it – I started talking to this guy. We met on a dating app, for people who are into certain things – BDSM – and he was one of the few people that contacted me on that app that actually treated me like a human being, so I actually wanted to talk to him.

From his profile picture, I wasn’t super attracted to him, but pictures can make people look different than they do in real life and honestly if someone has a personality that I’m attracted to, I don’t need them to be super duper physically attractive – from my perspective of what’s physically attractive.

Always… we had been chatting for a week or so, off the app – texting. He seemed nice, at first, but then things started to change. I couldn’t pin point the moment they did, but his attitude changed quite quickly. I tried to make it clear from the beginning where my lines were and he responded nicely enough, but then moments to hours later he would try and push them again and I don’t mean like gently nudging to see were my real limits are or something. I mean full on crossing over my lines, even after I’d stated that that wasn’t ok. To be honestly it wasn’t anything that would particular hurt me – since he whole thing was done over text. Along with this behaviour came other not so nice behaviour. He became quite passive aggressive and when I didn’t want to do something he wanted he would try and guilt trip me into doing things. This ended up with me just ignoring him for a while, because I didn’t want to be nasty to him, but I also didn’t want to have to deal with his guilt trips, especially not around Christmas! After then silences from me, he’d come back at me with apologies and the like, but they were still dripping with this ‘feel sorry for me vibe’ that started to really annoy me.

Anyways, so I keep giving me more chance to how me something about his personality that I could like, or like more of the guy I had chatted with to begin with. But he was gone.

In the end I got sick of it and just ghosted him.

I should say as well as my phone number he had my snap, so when I stopped replying via text, he moved onto sending me snaps. Which I also ignored, until he told me goodbye, then I looked at them, because why not? The same stuff was in them. After he had seen that I’d read the snaps he sent more – actually got quite weird – that culminated in him telling me he was going to block me and I thought ‘why the hell are you telling me this?’

I have not idea if he actually did block me, or if he was trying to get a rise out of me or something, but I jus removed him then and there, because I didn’t want to deal with his shit – it’s actually the sort of tactic that my ex used to use of me and it probably pissed me off more, because of that.

So I think I’m off dating again for a while, not that I was really looking in the first place, right now I’m trying to focus on myself and my future and just trying to sort my life out. So I don’t think I have the mental energy to deal with dating. I’m not cutting it out of my life, I’m just not going to be actively looking for someone. As weird as it feels, I don’t think I want someone as much as I have in the past. There’s that part of me, but the other things I my life are taking up all the space.

Everyone keeps asking me what I want to do with my life – career wise anyways – and I have no idea. I hate the job I’m working at now, mainly because my boss spends most of the time they see me, screaming at me and when I ask how to do things right, or just how to do them, they shout at me. It’s weird, like they won’t teach me how to do things, they just expect me to know, so that’s frustrating. Also maybe because I have next to know idea what’s going on half the time – maybe because my boss refused to tell me things and would go out of their way not to speak to me – but there is hardly any work to actually get done. I know some people would think sitting around an office doing nothing all day would be great, but it’s really not something that I find great. When I’m at work I want to work. Maybe that’s weird, but that’s how I feel.

I’m constantly trying to find work for myself, but most of the time me and the other office worker – three people have quit since I started, so there is now only the 2 of us – just keep all the work we can find till the end of the day or when the boss’s come in, so that we look busy.

I’m hoping that the new year will bring new job vacancies. Plus I’m one step closer to getting my driving license – which I should have gotten ages ago, but was stupid about it – by passing my theory test the other day. I think I was at a good standard to driving the last time I took lessons, but it has been a couple months, so I’m taking some more before going for my practical test. I was thinking about intensive courses, but I’m not sure how much time I need behind the wheel before I’m ready.

Catch me up, strike me down…

How do I write about all the things that have happened in my life since the last time I posted?

Well I got into a relationship, broke up with them and became friends with benefits. Broke off that relationship and am now trying to just be there friend.

Almost pushed away my best friend here, because she makes me feel bad sometimes… also because it’s hard to watch someone destroy themselves and find every time you try and help, it just blows up in your face. I want to help, but I refuse to try and save someone who doesn’t want to be saved – she has told me as much, but I see so many ways she could help herself and opportunities she’s missing, probably because I’m on the outside looking in.

I still hate my job – I don’t think that’s new. But now I have a plan… well something of a plan.

I just need to display some self control with my spending and I’ll be able to get out of the town in about 4-5 months or so… fingers crossed on that one. Especially since my friend invited me to go out, because one of their friends from home is coming up and they want to show her a good night out, which can only be helped by inviting more people out, right?

Also some of my friends from back West were talking about coming over to see me and so that’ll be another night out. Potentially in the same week. At this point we’re all just trying to get a hold of another friend to see if she wants to do anything for her birthday, because if she does then we’ll wait to meet up until then, but if she can’t do anything because of this that or the other, then we’ll meet up before her birthday, because it wouldn’t be too nice of us to all meet on her birthday, when she can’t come.

Speaking of nights out. I had to jump into a fight on one the other day. Some girls – when I some I mean about 7 or so of them – decided they didn’t like my friend and make the hopefully drunk decision – because I hope these girls wouldn’t do this sober – to jump my friend when we left the club. Fortunately some guys that were passing by jumped in to help us out, because there was way to many of them for us to take. Even though they were only pulled her hair and scratching her, but at one point they did get her on the floor and were stomping on her. This particular friend had surgery on her jaw last year, because some guy decided to punch her in the face, because she wouldn’t go home with him – people here are so lovely – so I made her go to the hospital, since they could have seriously damaged her jaw. Actually it was the police that took us to the hospital, after we sat out in the cold for about an hour… that was fun. I think the only thing that kept me from freezing to death was the alcohol in my system. Although another lovely guy, decided to really annoy me, by insisting that me and my friend should go home with him. He was rather drunk, but by the time the police turned up, I really wanted to punch him.

Any ways my friend was for the most part fine. Couple bruises and scratches, but other than that fine. No really serious damage done.

So I took her back to mine after we left the hospital. Thinking about it, I don’t think she’s told her parents what happened that night, because she stayed with me for a couple days and apparently they didn’t even notice the bruising on her face and then they went away not long after that. So by the time they got back the bruising was mostly gone.

Moving on… something I’ve gotten into recently, wearing wigs. Now I used to colour my hair quite often, but because I had naturally quite dark hair, I had to lighten it to get the colour to truly show. So it got to the point that I had bleached my hair so much, that it was crunchy. At that point I decided to give it a break from bleaching, stripping and colouring, so wigs seemed like a good alternative and I knew this girl that wore wigs all the time, so I bought a couple off of her, because I knew they’d be good and then I also got a couple cheaper ones, although one of them I hate the style and am trying to find a way to change it. I’m also not too happy with the colour, because it way more bold and blocky them it looked in the picture, but I’m not sure what to do there. I’m hoping that if I change the style I’ll like it better.