Post me my lucky co-operation style…

So sometimes I think I’m too ambitious and then other times I feel like I don’t have enough ambition. But then maybe I’m just too ambitious in certain aspects of my life and not enough in others. Although it would be nice to sit somewhere in the middle, since that’s where I like to take up residence.

So my master plan is coming along smoothly so far, but I see some bumps in the road ahead, such as lack of co-operation from my friends, because I’m keeping them in the dark and all that jazz. Also lack of finances, but I’m sort of leaving that up to the universe and if it does actually work the way I’m very much hoping it tends to work, then that should be just dandy.

Speaking of finances, I’ve entered into the postcode lottery, mainly because I don’t have to pay for it and I’m probably the only person around here – with my postcode – that has entered, I need as much money as I can get at the moment. Although being the only person with my postcode on there is apparently not that big of an advantage, actually it’s a disadvantage, because my postcode is less likely to be draw, although it does mean if is draw, I get all the money and don’t have to split it. I did think about talking some of neighbouring friends into doing it as well, however I really need and money and am willing to take the chance, plus I’ve got postcodes entered, because I’ve used both my university postcode and my home postcode, although I don’t know how the prize giving works, so if my home one did somehow win the money might be sent there, which could be a problem, since the father would see it and probably give me an ear full about ‘these sorts of sites’ being bad and what not.

He used to play the lottery every week, but I suppose somewhere down the road he gave up and now he only plays it now and then, like at Christmas or if there’s a super big jackpot, times like that.

I won’t say I’m the most unlucky person out there or the most lucky, I think I’m about average-ish, maybe a little below.

So I’ve got an in-class test tomorrow, which I haven’t revised for – oops! But it’s not until the afternoon, so I can get up then I can revise in the morning and what not. Although if this weekend has been any indication, I’m might not even make it to the test, because I’ll still be fast asleep. I’m going to try and go to bed early today – at least earlier than 5 am, which is when I’ve been going to be recently.

On another note; There are so many places I want to visit now, I’ve no idea how I’m going to be able to see them all before I die or get so old that I can’t move anyone or am blind, because I image that I’m going to be one of those old people that getting some sort of horrible disease and is basically bed ridden and not one of those old people that can actually still do things, unlike what most people think old people can and can’t do. But let’s not get into that. I’ve been trying to squeeze as many places as possible into 25 days, while still allowing for enjoyment of the place, so no less than 3 days in each places, including travel days – at the moment – but that doesn’t really mean many places and there are some places that I would like to spend more time in and what not. You know really get to soak them up and all that jazz, not just a whistle stop tour of the vicinity.

I’ve wanted to go to Venice for a while now, but I’m leaving that one of the back burning, because I think it would be nice to go with just one or two people or perhaps just by myself, not with a bunch of friends.

Quotes/sayings of the day:

Let us step into the night and pursue that flighty temptress, adventure. – J.K. Rowling

An adventure is only an inconvenience rightly considered. An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered. – G.K. Chesterton

Once upon a careless moment…

Sometimes I hate people, they can be so careless with others and so self centred. I know I can be like that as well, but I try not to be most of the time and when I am and I don’t mean to be I have the decency to feel bad about it and perhaps say something in apology. But then people seem to think it just fine to stamp all over me, because I seem to have this ability to look past that and see the good in them and just take all the bad. I like to think this is because the good is worth the bad and there is more good than bad in them, but it’s times like these that I start to think I’m wrong.

I’m not going to go into detail, because I think it’ll just make me want to start breaking things and people.

So I’m going to talk about something else instead. Right so I’ve entered a bunch of prize draws, which I’m very much hoping I’ll win, but knowing my luck it’s not looking in my favour, but then maybe I’m due some or something. I’m also entered a writing competition, which I am not going to win, because I piece I’ve entered is good, but from the looks of things everyone else’s are much better. I’m just well me and their worldly old(er) people.

I know I posted that I was going to put I picture of my hair up, but I didn’t have time to do it, as I’ve been a little swamped, with all the competition entering and all, but not just that of course… I will do it, it just might take a while…

So the weather has turned nasty, with thunder and lightening today, which I was almost court in, but I only just got home, when it really started coming down and the lights in my place started flickering, giving it a scary film feel at one point.

So I watched that trailer for Maleficent today and I heard this song, which brought back memories, from childhood.

Quote/saying of the day: It’s hard to tell who has your back, from who has it long enough just to stab you in it. – Nicole Richie

Drag me to the surface…

So it’s been a little while since I last posted. A lot has happened, as even when I don’t bother to post life goes on and all that jazz. I’ve just been going through some stuff, that I couldn’t post about, I tried writing it out a couple times but I just couldn’t, maybe it’s one of my many issues or personality traits that prevented me from venting everything out here, but whatever it was, I didn’t and I’m not going to now. But today was the last straw I feel like I’m… dying. I know dramatic right and probably over the top and all that, but I don’t know how else to describe this, maybe drowning. It’s like being under water, but not realising, until you’ve run out of oxygen and your head started to feel like it;s about to explode… I feel like I’m going to explode and every time I’ve felt anything close to the way I’m feeling right now I’ve done something stupid, normally something harmful, self destructive and really really stupid. I’m not sure what to do, I keep thinking that indulging myself in other things will allow me to vent it out and I thought it was working, but obviously not. Due to my many issues, I don’t have anyone to talk to about this and I’m really scared. I’m scared that I’m going to do something stupid and that this time I’m not going to come out the other side. I’m even scared to go to sleep sometimes, because I’m afraid I won’t wake up, but then there’s this part of me that doesn’t want to wake up, that just wants to go to sleep and never wake back up again. I keep telling myself that I can handle this and that I’ve been though this sort of dark side of myself before and that I can do this alone, like I always do, but it’s getting harder and harder to believe that. Wow this ones depressing. Maybe something to lighten the mood or something: But then I’ve been obsessed with this song from Great Gatsby lately: I’m not completely sure why, maybe because the only time I feel peaceful is when I immerse myself in this song and just let my imagination run wild. It’s inspiring I suppose. Oh I didn’t say lately I haven’t been able to write. It’s like I’m empty, but when I listen to this, not so much. Quotes/sayings of the day: When I want to scream because I feel like I’m going to burst, I open my mouth and pretend that something is coming out, because I don’t want to give the world the satisfaction of hearing me scream any more – Unknown I am not what I seem, look past my surface and, you might scream ― Anastasia wild

To the eating of myself

Eating health is hard. I mean having to eat at set times is difficult for someone like me, that tends to end up skipping meals and just eats when the urge hits me – most of the time. But I think that calorie counting isn’t enough to loose weight. It’s not like I’m trying to loose that much, but I want it gone, because it’s annoying me and making me feel bad about my image. We need to love ourselves and I find that a lot easier when I feel beautiful and I think that being a size smaller will help with that, not that I want to become really skinny. No way there is nice skinny and then there is disgusting skinny. Sorry all those out there that are like this, but I think when you can see someone’s bones clearly through their skin, so it looks like their skin is just draped over their bones, nothing else there – like a skeleton with a sheet placed over it – then that’s just way too far. I mean I haven’t even been that skinny – I don’t think – but I didn’t used to be able to fit my hand under my ribcage, but that was during a time, when I was not really eating anything, not because I thought I was fat and wanted to be skinnier or anything, I just was never hungry, so I didn’t eat and when I did eat then it was only a small bit, I think my body was sort of eating itself and I started eating normally, but now that I don’t really do much exercise regularly and I’m not really eating healthy I gained some weight, so back to the health lifestyle.

But I’ve been looking around the internet for ideas about what is best to start out and it seems like it’s going to be a dumpy ride, but I just hope it’s worth the effort and the money, because I think it might be a little bit more expensive than what I’m paying to eat now, but I haven’t really checked that out.

There are quite a few sites that say they can help you shed those unwanted pounds, so I’m going to try the free ones, because I don’t want to waste money and since they have lots of members and a good support system – as far as I can see – I just might be able to do this.

Although the eating at the same time, might not be as hard after a while – hopefully – and since I have relatively structured days, which might help with the timing and all that jazz – yay to losing weight in moderation.

So I was looking at all these sites and I found out that most diets actually don’t work, because they put your body it’s something which everyone is calling ‘starvation mode‘ which is just what it says on the tin. Your body thinking your starving, so turns more of what you eat into fat, so that it can eat that later, when you need to – I know thinking of your body eating itself is kind of disgusting, but honestly what do you think happens when got burn fat. Any ways so I think my body is in this starvation mode at the moment, so I’m hoping that with the help of many different resources at my disposal I will be able to turn it back to fat burning/eating mode – yay to the fat eating and the dropping of unwanted weight.

So after weeks of deliberation, I’ve decided to fuck other people’s emotional needs – just for this one event – and just go ahead with it. If people can’t handle each other I shouldn’t have to spend my time rushing between them and having to make the hard choices about who to stay friends with. So I’ve created a facebook event for my birthday party – yay for the day I was born – it’s sort of nice though, a weight off my shoulder – maybe I should go weight myself I might be pounds lighter now! Sure I would love it if everyone came, but I have a feeling that that will not happen – sigh – but as the song goes, what will be will be…

And I going to be ok with that, as long as this doesn’t get blown out of proportion and end up with me in a heap on the floor.

Quote/saying of the day: Don’t walk in front of me; I may not follow. Don’t walk behind me; I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend. – Albert Camus

Searching for a nice guy in the dark with my headphones on…

Are there no nice guys left in my town? After my decision to start dating again, I also made the decision to start dating nice guys, rather than my usual type and the last guy I was remotely interesting in, was either a dough bag, super shy or a technophob, but either way not my type really. If I text a guy I’m expecting him to text me back within the week… is that too much to ask? Alright so this guy, 2 weeks. 2 flipping weeks and it was shortest answer anyone could think of, even though it wasn’t in text talk. My friend set me up with him, sort of and she knows that I liked the ‘nastier’ sort of guy, although she doesn’t really know about my transfer from the dark side. So now I’m considering turned back to it, alright I might be giving up to soon and I know I should stick it out, because I deserve better and all that jazz, but it would be so easy to be the old me again, just one little step…

But I’ve decided to give it one more chance and then that’s it, back to my old ways. It’s just more fun that way, not that nice guys can’t be fun, it’s just they can be a lot more complicated and ‘deep’ than my usual sort. Plus a nice guy is less likely to be a straight talked, as he wants to preserve my feelings and all that jazz.

Alright so I getting into the Pretty Reckless again and I’ve just downloaded one of their albums. I used to like a couple of their songs, but I think I have to be in the right mood and all that, so today it seems that I am.

Any ways here a song of their’s that sort of suits this post a little bit:

Alright so I might be sort of depressing, but hey ho, I like it and all that and if you don’t, don’t listen to it, easy. Although there are aspects that could be better, not that I’m a music expert or anything, just an avid listener. (Plus the lead singer kind of rocks, since she does write her own lyrics and all).

Quote/saying of the day: The real trouble with reality is the lack of background music – unknown (and after ages of searching too, still couldn’t find the owner of this quote).

The seeking of the wild…

Well according to my calendar it’s National Foundation day (Japan). But according to other source it’s meant to be tomorrow, so I’m not too sure. But the origin of National Foundation Day is New Year’s Day in the traditional lunisolar calendar. On that day, the foundation of Japan by Emperor Jimmu was celebrated based on Nihonshoki, which states that Emperor Jimmu ascended to the throne on the first day of the first month.

So that’s for today or tomorrow I’m unsure… oh well, there’s not much I can do about that until I’ve done more research, maybe next year I’ll get the right day. If you know which is the right day let me know, kay?

So today… alright it’s a Monday, so it’s not a good day really, the first day of the week never is. But it seems that not everyone had a ‘good’ a weekend as me. It seems that a lot went down this weekend and that has created another rift between my friend – oh the horror, no really. Although I’m hoping that this one will be patched up, because it seems that both parties want to talk, but don’t know what to say and all that sort of jazz. I’m trying to keep my nose out of it, because it seems like the best thing to do right now. I don’t want to make anyone tell me anything, if they don’t want to, but I think I’ve deduced, what happened from the snippets that I’ve been given, but I don’t want to jump to conclusions, although the way I see it, nothing really bad happened, but a misunderstanding may have taken place, about the reasoning of one parties, considering the source of the rift, but I hope that they will talk and patch that up and understand that it was all a little misunderstanding.

So I had my doctors appointment today and it seems that things are going to turn out alright – hopefully. But I’ve just got to wait a little bit and then I’ll find out, but I’m hoping for good news, they said that they would mail me, so I’ll be glued to my letterbox all this week – when I’m at home.

The flooding has gotten worse in the last couple of days and I can no longer walk down my track, because the end of it is a just water and it probably comes up above my ankles at the very least… But I don’t have to, so every things good, but it’s only a semi-permanent solution. Everyone seems to have this cold that has been going round and I’m trying not to get the worse strain of it, as I think I have the more mild strain at the moment, it has persisted, for about 1 and a half weeks now, but it’s not really very bad or anything, I’m just a bit more tired and I occasionally have coughing fits, now and then, but other than that it’s all good.

I was thinking about having a party this weekend, but because of the short notice, I don’t think many people will be able to come, which would be a drag, so I’m rethinking, but I still want to get pissed and do something stupid and wild, I just feel like I need it. Maybe it’s all the dull weather or something else, but I need a pick me up. I can’t wait until April – not following, don’t worry, just wait to the middle of April, hopefully.

Any ways here some music, since I don’t think I’ve had a post with some in for a little bit:

Quote/Saying of the day: I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself – D. H. Lawrence.

Unsatisfied cravings in the face of unseen tears.

I’m not dealing very well today. It’s not like something spectacularly bad happened to me today or anything. I would say that my past is catching up to me again, but now I feel like I never really got away from it to begin with. I’m still that person and last year was just me lying to myself.

But then maybe I’m just not doing things right, maybe I can shake off my past and be that girl. The happy girl that girl with no worries. I want to be that girl, but then reality sets in and there’s this little voice inside my head whispering about how I will never ever get to be that girl, that I don’t deserve to be that girl, it’s a suit that doesn’t fit me and I should stop trying it on, hoping that one day it will fit the way I want it to.

There’s nothing like sitting crying your eyes out, while listening to a song about being happy and what a lovely place the world is to be. It may just be the masochist in me but it made me shiver, in both the good way and the bad way.

You know when your sitting somewhere, outside, maybe waiting for a bus or something like that. You’re just sitting there, not really thinking about anything, well those are the moment when I begin to crave cigarettes. I’ve never smoked in my life and there’s a very strong part of me that never wants to. Watching two loved ones die of cancer is enough to make you wish the dam things had never been invented in the first place. But there’s this little part of me that is screaming at me to have one… two… packets a day. I don’t know why, it’s not like any of my friends smoke, so I’m being pressured into doing it or anything, actually a bunch of them think it’s gross, so it’s more like pressured into not, but that part of me is still there.

I’ve got something sort of big happening tomorrow and until about 1 and a half hours ago, I had forgotten it was tomorrow, it’s only Tuesday, but I’m already getting muddled up and I’m in trouble, I think, because I’m just being ‘me’ again.

Quote/Saying of the day: As you stopped to say hello, oh, you wished me well, you couldn’t tell that I’d been crying over you – Roy Orbison 

Have a Happy Blue Monday..!

Hello everyone, now it’s Blue Monday..! Oh no we must be sad.

Apparent it’s the day when the most suicides happen, but who can be sure?

But today isn’t just Blue Monday… Honestly! So hello American’s and others for a matter of fact, because today is Martin Luther King Jr Day. Martin Luther King Jr. Day is an American federal holiday, marking the birthday of Martin Luther King Jr. It is observed on the third Monday of January each year, which is around the time of King’s birthday, January 15. So there’s something to be happy about, let’s all celebrate a little the life of Martin Luther King Jr.

But if that doesn’t cheer you up then maybe this song about happiness will.

Today wasn’t exactly a great day or anything and I can say that I get why it’s – supposedly – the day that most people commit suicide on and well to be honest they say January is most depressing Month and then it’s just Monday is usually kind of a depressing day, so rounding it all off, I get where those people are coming from. Not that I’m encouraging anyone to try or anything like that, I just understand – sort of – what’s going on in their nugget.

So I’m just sitting and waiting for next month to arrive, because I promised myself that next month I would make some drastic changes and I’m going to keep my promise – I say through gritted teeth, wishing I had never made the promise in the first place. But I’m going to keep this one and achieve my goal, although it might be small and some what insignificant, it’s for me, so who cares if no one else cares about it..? Not me! I’m still having problems writing, but I’m hoping that finding a quiet place to write will work that out, because at the moment I don’t really have one, during the day.

Alright so I’m not meant to know and all that jazz, but I do and I’m not sure how I feel about it. A close friend of mine is basically considering cheating on her significant other. She’s a bit of a slut and I think that fine, by my standards she not really slut, but I’m going on the rest of the ‘world’s’ standards here and I’ve cheated before, so I can’t really talk here, but the guy’s also my friend, alright we’re not as close, but still. There’s a part of me that thinks I should try and convince her not to do it, but then again I’m thinking that if she’s does it now, that might save him some heart brake now instead of when he’s completely infatuated with her, although by the actions he might already be. But then again I could help him to see it, not straight out tell him, but push him that way, but I don’t want to ruin their relationship, because of a moment of doubt on her part, that was just that and nothing more. Ergh, I shouldn’t have ask about it, maybe I’ll just pretend that I don’t know anything. The hear no, see no, speak no route.

Don’t get it? Look it up, I can’t be bothered to explain right now.

Bitter sweetness of a not so grand day…

So for those of you that have looked at my blog over the last couple of… I can’t remember how long, will have noticed that I have changed the name of my blog to ‘The Butterfly girl’. Although this might seem like a random change, but I’ve been thinking about changing the name of this little venture for a while now, but I wasn’t sure what to go with, ‘CrTalk’ just wasn’t working any more as I was going off the name of my old blog, but when I started this one the actual name of my old blog, was taken, but I think this one is better.

So the last couple of days, well what has happened? Nothing that stands out like waving a red flag, but I’ve been a little stressed the past couple days and I suppose you could say ‘it’s taking its toll on me’. I’m the type of person that you can’t instantly tell is stressing out, because unlike most people, I don’t have the usual physical symptoms that most people would look for, mine are more subtle and a lot harder to read, because no one is used to seeing them. I think if they were then they would be able to tell, but when you think someone isn’t stressed, then you get used to those symptoms being them not stressed and so can’t see when the person – i.e me – is stressed.

So I started to watch this TV series, called Heroes today, as I was meant to be doing some work, but I needed to relax a little and just get some stuff off my chest and for me having a new TV series playing in the background while doing such things, can help – sometimes. It’s not that bad of a series, but my friend who has already watched it, was telling me all these spoilers, which was a little annoying, but what the hell. It an American show, so I probably would have been able to guess the ending, but I don’t like doing that and tend to one guess what is going to happen the immediate future – of the episode.

It did freak out my cat at one point – although maybe she’s still classed as a kitten, I’m not sure – when this guy screamed and I had it turned up which loud, because I wanted to be able to hear it from the kitchen, because I was making my dinner. I was holding her at the time and she scratched the hell out of me, which wasn’t a grand moment. But then today just hasn’t been a grand day, so I suppose it fits in with the rest of the day.

I’m suppose to be doing this stressful and rather important – according to the people around me – thing tomorrow, but I’ve just got this dreadful feeling about the entire affair. Not the kind of feeling that’s just basic dislike or un-wanting to do something, but dread. It’s a lot thicker and deeper, like my instincts or something, although I have spent a large portion of my life so far, trying to block out my instincts. Although I’m not too sure if that’s good for me or not, I suppose it depends on who you ask, me or them or the rest of the world – I’m being sort of cryptic there, I think that’s my MO when it comes to this blog, maybe I should rename it ‘The Cryptic  Girl’ or something to that effect.

I haven’t written a word of my novel since New Years period and it’s getting to me a little, it’s frustrating, but every time I sit down, pen and paper in hand, nothing. I just sit there. It’s not even like it’s a blank page, it’s just picking back up, but it’s like there’s some sort of… wall or something… No it’s more like I become paralysed. But I don’t know why. I’m not stuck for ideas about what to write next. I just can’t write – not in general, just that. I was looking over some of my older stuff, to just and get myself… I don’t know… feeling better able my writing skills. It didn’t really work, but it wasn’t a complete failure either, which is good and bad. Bitter sweet.

And so a song about bitter sweetness to sum thing up or something in that area.

I wish I could sing, I suppose I could settle for just writing someone a song or maybe I’ll just live forever and learn to sing on the way…

Quick note before I go, I missed Japanese Coming of Age day Monday, I would have liked to have dedicated a post to it, but maybe next year.