Empathizing with the thieving princess and the guy on the end of the line…

So I’ve been texting this guy for a while now. It’s all pretty mundane stuff, like what we’re doing blah blah blah, but we haven’t texted in a while, so I thought, since I have some free time now, why not find out how he’s doing. But I’m not getting the idea that he’s a bit of a control freak, or at least doesn’t like moving forward with a plan, which seems to apply to every aspect of his life, including, but perhaps not limited to his ‘relationship’ with me – which is basically non existent, because we’re basically strangers. It’s all a little odd for me, especially as we’ve just had this long chat about trust, now trust really doesn’t come easy to me and he’s asking me for it. I mean trust him a complete and utter stranger, when I don’t even trust some of the people much much much more close to me, not that I don’t sometimes wish I did, but I’ve got issues and I’m dealing or something like that.

Although he’s got his own issues, which he likes to chat about sort half openly, one minute he’s all open and gushing and the next closed off and reserved. It sort of throws me off balance and send me back to the days of my – much more common – perpetual mood swings and all that jazz.

Although it seems I’m driving in at the deep end here, as I said I’d try and build up trust with him – what was I thinking. Perhaps this is another part of my life I can blag my way through, I’m pretty well versed in blagging my emotions, personality and whatever else I don’t want people to know about me – I think, although I’m only human, so human errors occur everywhere.

So I could of the gal pals came round today, so we could plan out our trip to the Isle of White, which is now no longer happened, it’s just too expensive with the ferry and all, but we’re looking into going somewhere else, such as Scotland. My friends all excited about looking for the loch ness monster, which sparked a discussion about the film water horse… And as it turns out my camping trip down to Cornwall might not happen as well – urge. I had a nice summer with stuff going on and now it’s just going down the drain. I wanted this summer to be… more, since it’s the last summer that we’ll diffidently all be together and all…

Oh shattered dreams, but it could still all pick back up, snaps the optimist in me – Forgot that I had one for a while, maybe she went on holiday.

Well at least I know I’m heading off to see the Grandparents in a week or so, which will be nice, since we don’t see them that often and – I know everyone probably says this but – my Grandmother’s cook is amazballs, or maybe just Jamaican food in general is good, or maybe somewhere in the middle, but either way I love the food I eat there and also I always feel better and more beautiful when I’m on holiday, I think it’s that whole stranger in a strange place thing and sure I do stick out a little, since I’m super pale in comparison to basically everyone we meet, unlike here, were I’m super dark in comparison, but hey ho, I love the colour of my skin so I don’t really care – one of the few things I do love about myself there.

Alright so I’ve been obsessed – which means I may have blogged about it before – this game recently- the past week or so. Monument Valley. It’s this little puzzle game – from the app store, no computer version unfortunately for me – and I really quite like puzzles games – surprisingly enough – but it’s not just that the games is fun and makes you feel like a little genius when you work out the puzzles, it’s gorgeous as well. I mean three cheers for the artists/artist of this game, because it’s absolutely gorgeous, although I wish there was more than 10 levels to play, although I think I could sit and play them over and over again, until I could do them with my eyes closed – I said I was obsessed. But I suppose it’s better to see it than take me at my word:

It also has a nice little story to explain the game. About Princesses and thieving and forgiveness, it’s all quite lovely really.

So onto something darker – sort of. I’ve got to the second book in the Fifty shade trilogy – as the back of the book calls it. Although I think part of it are slightly ruined by me knowing that there is a third books and all that jazz. And part from some glaring errors and annoying habits, prejudices and judgemental statements, I’ve sort of enjoyed reading it. I will admit right now that I think the whole books could have been better, but hey ho maybe that’s just because I’m not really into her style of writing – honest that might be because she American and I’m used to English writers, because some of the phrases she uses annoy me, but maybe they won’t an American I can’t say, it could just be me and nothing else, as well. Oh so many options. I’m nearly onto the third book now, which I am going to read and am half crossing my fingers that she drops and annoying repetition. Sure I can appreciate repetition, but she just seems to step over the line a little with her’s – step over the line the line is a dot to you (Friends quote there, thought I’d just put it in for a laugh). Although I have to say this books has given me some laughs, more than the first one, maybe, even.

Quote/saying of the day: People ask me why it’s so hard to trust people, and i ask them why is it so hard to keep a promise. – unknown

Ever since I hear them I’ve liked these guys and they have yet to disappoint – yay!

Fifty shades… of mundane.

So recently… or more so than other things. I’ve decided to start reading the Fifty Shades… series, which as everyone my age and above – and a couple below – knows, starts with Fifty shades of Grey. Alright so I really only began reading this books, so that I could say it was bad and know what I’m talking about, instead of being all prejudice, because I don’t like Twilight – sparkling vampires? Come on woman, you could have been more creative. So I started the book thinking I wouldn’t be able to get past the first chapter, like Twilight – yes I tried to read the books and I have seen all the films – but surprisingly, it wasn’t that bad, for a first novel and quite a long one at that, I didn’t expect it to be that long to be honest, but I tip my hat to E.L. James. Any ways so I’m just over 3 chapters in now and I’m actually enjoying reading it. Although I can still feel the Twilight seeping through in the foundations of the idea, characters and themes, but hey ho I can kind of ignore that and focus on other stuff. Although she seems to be rushing things without rushing them in place, if that even makes sense to anyone but me, but then that couple just be her style or because this is her first official novel and she playing around, or somewhat uncertain. Sure I rush my work sometimes just so I can get everything down, because inspiration strikes again in the wrong place, leaving me with a new idea and the smell of rot coming from the old one – lovely image there right?

So I actual bought the whole series, because it was cheaper than buying just the one book and if I do find I want to read them all I can and if I don’t I can sell them and make a profit – yay for the money making scheme..! Although I was already reading this new book, so technically now I’m reading two books at the same time and it takes me a while to read a book, mainly because I read really slowly, because I like to take everything in or something like that…

But on wards, as well as taking up reading Fifty shades of Grey, I have also starting watching Suits, which is quite interesting and slightly informative, although not exactly edge of your seat stuff, it’s something nice to have on in the background and what not, when I’m eating or revising or whatever other slightly dull and mundane activity I’m doing at the time, because my life if full of them, until the 16th, then I’m free to go crazy, although I probably won’t.

Quote/saying of the day: Remember the past, plan for the future, but live for today, because yesterday is gone and tomorrow may never come – Unknown

Falling down the holes in the plan…

So it seems I’ve been on a bit of a downhill spiral recently, although the presence of my father and his girlfriend aren’t helping. It’s not that I don’t like having them around, it’s just that there’s something about having them around that just wakes up this part of me, maybe it’s because when their not here I can stuff all the bad emotions and what not into a little box in the back of my head and get on with the shit that I have to do, but when they’re around I just can’t seem to do that. And then there’s this little part of me that always conscious of what I’m doing around other people and that part of me is the part that doesn’t want to do anything, eat, drink etc in front of other people, I think that all goes back to the time when I kind of was half starving myself, because I was just never hungry, plus I was sort of suicidal back then, well more suicidal back then. I mean I’ve sort of got a handle on things now, but every now and then, more so when my emotions are running high, then those sort of thought tumble back in.

It’s sort of odd, but when I’m around my father I get this ‘feeling’ – best word for it – that I have to live up to certain expectation, but not the good ones, the ones where I’m a good person and successful, but the bad ones. It’s like all the bad things about, me the selfishness and the inability to achieve, sudden get amplified. I’m not blaming my father for it, it’s just happened when he’s around and not just him, but mainly him. It’s like I don’t want to try, because there’s not point, because all those things he’s thinking are true and that I might as well have fun, or rather sulk in my own misery, than actually try and prove him wrong.

And people say I’m smart… God are they wrong. I’m not stupid though. Well not all the time. I’m average and I’ve come to terms with that fact about myself. I probably had the potential to be smart way back when, but that’s gone now the factors of my life have stunted that.

So I’ve been watching Hannibal recently. Although I’m only on the second episode. These sorts of programs tend of give me a negative view of people, but that usually wears off in a couple of minutes after I stop watching, so it’s all good. Probably just the years of desensitisation kicking in, or something along those lines.

I’m just feeling frustrated today, because I’ve been really unproductive all weekend and that’s horrible, at the start of the week I had a plan and up until Friday/Saturday I was following it to the letter – unlike other plans I’ve devised in the past. But now everything has gone awry – The best laid plans of mice and men and all that jazz. But I did plan for this, just didn’t plan for me, if that makes any sense at all. Dam I wish I could just skip over the next 2 and a half weeks.

Quote/saying of the day: The best laid plans of mice and men, often go awry – Robert Burns