I hate you, I hate you, I refute your world…

So some chips have fallen and they’ve come out with an outcome that I wasn’t entirely surprised with. I’ve never really hated anyone in my life. I mean really hated. I mean I’ve disliked people, but I could just ignore them or whatever. So I kind of find it a little hard to understand where my friend is coming from, when he can’t even spend 5 minutes in the same vicinity as my other friend – they got into a fight and it escalated, I’ve written about it many many times over the time which it all happened. I mean I understand wanting to avoid her and not wanted to be friends or talk or acknowledge existence blah blah blah – all the basics. But I’ve never felt real hatred, so I’ve been trying to get where he’s coming from, but of course I can’t really. Even the writer in me can’t really get it and she gets nearly every dark emotion – I mean that’s what draws me to them in the first place. But I was more or less guessing that in the case of having to spend a night with her – in the same place as her – then he might just opt out, but hearing the way he would agree to come sounded a little extreme, maybe it was just an excuse and a way to not try to hurt my feelings or something – I suppose I just don’t have the pull over people I used to. Oh well I’ll just have to deal and I was expecting a few people to opt out, so it’s fine to a harsh blow or anything. Although it would have been nice to have everyone – but we can’t always get what we want – and I’m used to sitting fights out for the sake of myself and others. I’m not going to start something up again over something, which is relatively minor, to be honest.

Forever waiting for something unknown…

So as the list of people who can and can’t/won’t come grows I’m starting to feel a little more secure in the fact that this is actually going to happen and all that jazz.

Although the anxiety and depressive thoughts that keep welling up aren’t helping the matter. I once thought I was a manic-depressive – is that the right way to say it? – but then I just realised it was my lifestyle that was making me that way and not me – if that even makes sense. Well I was really up one minute then down the next, because I didn’t have the energy to stay up and I was already pretty depressed to add extremely tired and a teenager onto that and you might just think manic-depressive, but no luckily not so much. Although I think everyone has those moment, I just had them for about 3-4 years, so it was a little unsettling. Maybe it was like Ruby Sparks and I was being controlled. For those of you who don’t know, that’s a film, although slightly disturbing at point, I quite enjoyed it and it was quite good overall.

So I’m having a kick back this weekend, I was going to have it either this weekend or next, but next weekend my friend is going to Spain, but then lots of people can’t make it this weekend. I’m having one this weekend because I was talked into it and I want to drink – so it wasn’t that hard to talk me into it. But I was thinking of having another one next weekend. They would both be real small, so it won’t be anything, just like 4-5 friends. But I’m not sure if I can, although people who can’t come this week want me to obviously. And I feel bad, it was sort of last-minute so lots of people had plans already and what not – oh I’m being considerate again.

Quote/saying of the day: The same girl who laughs and talks a lot and seems very happy is also the girl who may cry herself to sleep… – Unknown

I hear this for the first time in a while today, so I’m just popping it on the end of this post, as it’s a good song and all..!

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To the eating of myself

Eating health is hard. I mean having to eat at set times is difficult for someone like me, that tends to end up skipping meals and just eats when the urge hits me – most of the time. But I think that calorie counting isn’t enough to loose weight. It’s not like I’m trying to loose that much, but I want it gone, because it’s annoying me and making me feel bad about my image. We need to love ourselves and I find that a lot easier when I feel beautiful and I think that being a size smaller will help with that, not that I want to become really skinny. No way there is nice skinny and then there is disgusting skinny. Sorry all those out there that are like this, but I think when you can see someone’s bones clearly through their skin, so it looks like their skin is just draped over their bones, nothing else there – like a skeleton with a sheet placed over it – then that’s just way too far. I mean I haven’t even been that skinny – I don’t think – but I didn’t used to be able to fit my hand under my ribcage, but that was during a time, when I was not really eating anything, not because I thought I was fat and wanted to be skinnier or anything, I just was never hungry, so I didn’t eat and when I did eat then it was only a small bit, I think my body was sort of eating itself and I started eating normally, but now that I don’t really do much exercise regularly and I’m not really eating healthy I gained some weight, so back to the health lifestyle.

But I’ve been looking around the internet for ideas about what is best to start out and it seems like it’s going to be a dumpy ride, but I just hope it’s worth the effort and the money, because I think it might be a little bit more expensive than what I’m paying to eat now, but I haven’t really checked that out.

There are quite a few sites that say they can help you shed those unwanted pounds, so I’m going to try the free ones, because I don’t want to waste money and since they have lots of members and a good support system – as far as I can see – I just might be able to do this.

Although the eating at the same time, might not be as hard after a while – hopefully – and since I have relatively structured days, which might help with the timing and all that jazz – yay to losing weight in moderation.

So I was looking at all these sites and I found out that most diets actually don’t work, because they put your body it’s something which everyone is calling ‘starvation mode‘ which is just what it says on the tin. Your body thinking your starving, so turns more of what you eat into fat, so that it can eat that later, when you need to – I know thinking of your body eating itself is kind of disgusting, but honestly what do you think happens when got burn fat. Any ways so I think my body is in this starvation mode at the moment, so I’m hoping that with the help of many different resources at my disposal I will be able to turn it back to fat burning/eating mode – yay to the fat eating and the dropping of unwanted weight.

So after weeks of deliberation, I’ve decided to fuck other people’s emotional needs – just for this one event – and just go ahead with it. If people can’t handle each other I shouldn’t have to spend my time rushing between them and having to make the hard choices about who to stay friends with. So I’ve created a facebook event for my birthday party – yay for the day I was born – it’s sort of nice though, a weight off my shoulder – maybe I should go weight myself I might be pounds lighter now! Sure I would love it if everyone came, but I have a feeling that that will not happen – sigh – but as the song goes, what will be will be…

And I going to be ok with that, as long as this doesn’t get blown out of proportion and end up with me in a heap on the floor.

Quote/saying of the day: Don’t walk in front of me; I may not follow. Don’t walk behind me; I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend. – Albert Camus

The fish look for a moment of silence.

So I considered telling someone today. Telling them about all the shit that I went through back then and the reason why I’m so closed off, but then I watched their face change and the sadness set in, the anger and pity. The pressure built and then the depression set in, so I didn’t I just kept my mouth shut and played the happiness game. The I’m a completely normal young female act I set myself up for everyday. It’s not like I’m really abnormal, I’m just not exactly normal in the sense of the majority normal for my friends. I know I can’t actually predict how someone is going to react, to much of a degree of accuracy, but I can have a good guess and most of the reactions I come up with, don’t turn out too well on my end or on theirs. I know there are some people that would take it with leaps and bounds and others that might take it as a joke – although it’s far from.

Any ways. So today was a simple day not much out of ordinary, although unfortunately it did rain – I’ve had enough of the stuff, if it has to be anything wet falling from the sky, made it crystalline snow! Although I didn’t really get caught in it not properly.

I also got myself so new shoes, because the old boots were falling apart literally, I stuck the sole back to the bottom, with some chewing gum, when I was out, because I really didn’t want it to drop off and have to walk around with no sole. But the new shoes had a bit of heel on them, which is getting a little annoying, as I have to trudge up and down – sometimes not up – a hill everyday. It’s alright my feet can take it, but still it’s getting to me a little, but I don’t have any other winter shoes, so I have to wear these or get wet feet… So I choose to wear them.

I was thinking about planning a party, but I realised that I can’t. This weekend would probably be too short notice and next weekend is my friends birthday, so it might be a little rude to have a party on her birthday and all that jazz and then the weekend after that I can’t and then the weekend after that is my birthday weekend and then the weekend after that is my other friends birthday weekend and I’m not sure if she’s doing anything for my birthday, like a party or meal or what not. So I’ve given up, as much as I want to just get pissed and be happy, I can’t, because I don’t like drinking alone, it’s dull and makes me depressed. So no party as of yet, although maybe I work around something and still have it. I just want something to sort of look forward to in the near future. I know I should be so near sighted, but what the hell, I’ve been having a hard time with some stuff – as per usually, why is there always something? – and I want something to make me feel better. Although it would be a lot better if I found a muse and could write again. I’ve been trying on and off, but so part no joy. I hope this doesn’t last, because I don’t know what I will do, probably spend all my money on some stupid therapy, which doesn’t work in the end and leaves me broke and homeless or something horrible like that – I’m being a little cynical aren’t I?

Quote/saying of the day: There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls – George Carlin

The element that escapes with each gasp.

As anyone who has been on my blog in the last couple of day will have noticed, I’ve given it a lovely new header, which I made myself – yay to me. Although it’s not too amazing or anything I’m still proud of it, since all I had to make it with was paint, probably why the eyes and mouth look a little block-ish and all that jazz, but still for my first try I would like to say that I am proud of my little accomplishment and it’s not like anyone is guiding it or anything and giving me a mark out of something like 10. I was going for a whole damsel in distress fairy tale vibe with it and I thought sleeping beauty mixed with butterfly girl, would work. Although it’s not quite the picture I imaged, but what the hell, it’s good enough.

I’ve lost something recently, not something extremely important or noticeable, not something I can really find, with just looking around. I’ve lost a little bit of me, that part of me that I think was holding my head under the water for a while now and alright I’m a little glade, but I’m also a little sad about it. I mean it is a part of me and all that.

I’ve been sighing a lot recently. I mean like proper long sighs that you don’t even realise you’re doing until they’re already basically escaped your lips. Unconscious sighs. The kind of ones that make billowing clouds of mushroom style breath bubbles – if that makes any sense.

Quote/saying of the day: When I hear somebody sigh, ‘life is hard’, I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?’ -Sydney J Harris.

So I’ve been trying to up my cognitive ability, with this only game thing, it’s free so I didn’t see the down side of trying it out and if it helps with my cognitive ability wonderful and if not, it’s only a few minutes out of the time I could spend, oh I don’t know eating or something like that, something dull.

Always with a silent scream on my lips.

So I’m not taking today too well, not that anything really bad happened today, actually this morning I was feeling kind of good about today, but not any more. Maybe it’s because this morning I felt like anything could happen today and now the days over and know that nothing happened today.

Alright not nothing, I went to pick up my brother, that took up most of the day and watched him get his awards, oh we were all so proud, not that I wasn’t already expecting him to get a whole bunch of awards, that’s my brother for you, always the best at what he does, he makes it look easy and I’m not saying that I wish he wasn’t good at things, but sometimes it can be hard living in his shadow and all that jazz, at least I’m doing one thing he didn’t, which means that I’ll be only one to look up to in that category, if I actually end up doing it, although recently I’ve been feeling sort of stale on the subject of university, not that I don’t want to go per say, just more like I… it’s hard to describe. I want to do a job and that means going to University and that’s alright, I just wish that I didn’t have to spend the next 6 years of my life in education, I feel like my life is sliding away and I’m not getting anywhere, not that I’ve got some grand limit on how long I’m going to live, but somehow I feel like I should be doing more, being more, but I’m not I’m just… me.

I’m just frustrated right now, I want to scream and smash things up and go on a big rampage or just run and run until my legs wouldn’t more any more, but I can’t I’m stuck right here, sitting still, like a doll. I suppose this could be good fodder for my novel, since it’s going to be pretty depressing and what not. Time to start saving my all these depressing emotions, so I can pour my soul into something that a few people will read and tell me it’s not bad or it’s not bad for a first novel. Code for it’s just dam bad.

I read these amazing books and I just wish I could do that. Sometimes I can’t even say things, a proper sting of words. Maybe I can just blame it on my age, but really I feel like I’ve reached my limit and now I’m just going down, down, down, until I hit rock bottom and then die. Depressing I know, bit there are only two things that are certain in life, we are born and one day we will die, everything else is up for grabs.

I’m just over thinking the future, but when I’m not over thinking it, I feel like I’m under thinking it and not doing enough to make sure I have the one I want. I don’t feel I’m self motivated enough – because I’m not at all self motivated, but I can’t be blamed for that really, you don’t feel motivated to do good, if doing good doesn’t lead to anything, because someone did it before you, people act like you doing it isn’t really an achievement at all. Like with twins the first twin to talk gets all the encouragement and when the second one does it no ones really pays the same amount of attention, not that I want lots of attention, but sometimes it would be nice to feel a tiny, just a tiny bit important or special or something like that.

Quote/saying of the day: In the end we remember not the words of our enemies, but the silences of our friends – Martin Luther King, Jr.

The day to come…

So I’m off to pick up the big brother tomorrow, as he’s coming home for 3 weeks. So he’ll be back for my birthday – yay the day I was born in right around the corner!

So I met this guy today, right and he said that he liked chubby girls, it’s weird I’ve never actually heard a guy say that before, I’ve known guys who obviously do, but I’ve never heard a guy openly admit it before – I think. So yeah that was fun and I’ve been  writing, although not my novel – blasted thing isn’t going anywhere – but I’m glad that the old creative juices haven’t dried up, that’s something. And I’m to get some of my novel written tomorrow, although that might be disrespectful, if I write during the parade, but maybe in the car and what not, but we’ll see how the day goes, that’s how I’ve been going on lately, one day at a time. When I say lately more like this week, although I had it all planned out nothing has gone to plan and I’m feeling a little down, although that might be correlated to the fact, that my Cherry isn’t replying to my messages, but what the hell, I’ll turn it around somehow. Because I’m still waiting for a reply for my little problem, so I’ve got that to look forward to – whoop.

And it’s nearly the end of the week or at least that’s how it feels, I wish this week had been a little bit more eventful, but one cannot change the past, but I can change the future or something along those lines.

I’m suppose to be getting a good nights sleep, but heck that’s not going to happen, since sleep is still an issue with me, I can’t get to sleep. I just lye awake at night, wishing I was asleep, once I’m out that’s ok, but it’s getting there that’s the problem. Someone said that it might be because there is too much light in my room, so now I’m thinking about changing the curtains to try and block the light out more, but I haven’t gotten round to it yet, so still no good nights sleep tonight. Maybe I’ll be able to sleep on the ride there, sometimes when I’m really tired I find it quite easy to sleep on transport, maybe even easier than in my own bed. Wow I think that’s probably not a good thing there, but I’ll work it out – one day.

Quote/saying of the day – I know I didn’t do one of these in the last post, because I was being lazy. You know you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams. – Dr Seuss

A short and sweet romance.

Maybe one more chance was all this thing needed, or maybe I was in a dark place yesterday, but whatever things are turning around for me and my lovely love life – and with that she jinxes it. So today I’ve ‘met’ two guys. One shy, but nice and not a technophob – yay! And the other is nice and we might go to the same college, or rather he might go to the college next to me, but I’m not too sure what that place is called now, since they changed it’s name recently and everyone just calls it by the really old name, so I actually have no idea what it’s called, but what the hell right?

So yeah other than that my day has been quite dull. I was meant to be going to the dentist, apparently, but when I rang up to check the time, they said I didn’t have one, so I made a proper one, something about calling. They’re really weird about appointments, there has been many a time when something similar to this has happened. But never mind.

Searching for a nice guy in the dark with my headphones on…

Are there no nice guys left in my town? After my decision to start dating again, I also made the decision to start dating nice guys, rather than my usual type and the last guy I was remotely interesting in, was either a dough bag, super shy or a technophob, but either way not my type really. If I text a guy I’m expecting him to text me back within the week… is that too much to ask? Alright so this guy, 2 weeks. 2 flipping weeks and it was shortest answer anyone could think of, even though it wasn’t in text talk. My friend set me up with him, sort of and she knows that I liked the ‘nastier’ sort of guy, although she doesn’t really know about my transfer from the dark side. So now I’m considering turned back to it, alright I might be giving up to soon and I know I should stick it out, because I deserve better and all that jazz, but it would be so easy to be the old me again, just one little step…

But I’ve decided to give it one more chance and then that’s it, back to my old ways. It’s just more fun that way, not that nice guys can’t be fun, it’s just they can be a lot more complicated and ‘deep’ than my usual sort. Plus a nice guy is less likely to be a straight talked, as he wants to preserve my feelings and all that jazz.

Alright so I getting into the Pretty Reckless again and I’ve just downloaded one of their albums. I used to like a couple of their songs, but I think I have to be in the right mood and all that, so today it seems that I am.

Any ways here a song of their’s that sort of suits this post a little bit:

Alright so I might be sort of depressing, but hey ho, I like it and all that and if you don’t, don’t listen to it, easy. Although there are aspects that could be better, not that I’m a music expert or anything, just an avid listener. (Plus the lead singer kind of rocks, since she does write her own lyrics and all).

Quote/saying of the day: The real trouble with reality is the lack of background music – unknown (and after ages of searching too, still couldn’t find the owner of this quote).

Torn to pieces and suffocated by secrets, I keep on walking…

Hooray for all the couples around the world! Because today is Valentines day and for all the people not in a relationship, it’s just another day.

For me though, just another wet and windy day, although I did get one, sort of, Valentine. I’m not sure if that would be right, because Valentines is for lover/couples, so I suppose it was just a gift on a day that just happened to the a romantic one. Any ways, I have a thing about Valentines day, because, well, people don’t do it ‘right’ any more, or rather how they used to. Although I have a feeling that the English never really did it right. As far as I can tell, with my generation – or at least at this age of my generation – Valentines day is a day for couples to be romantic – basically it’s a two way street. But the way I see Valentines day as being ‘right’ girls give guys chocolate to show their ‘affection’, so more or less a one way street. However I like the idea – how I know this isn’t English, but then I’m not completely English any ways so what the hell – that guys return the affection on ‘Whites day’, by giving the girl they like/love something white, anything white, it doesn’t matter. Although I’m sure there will be girls out there that would disagree and say that it should be something expensive, but with me, as long as I can see the thought and love behind the thing, then the price tag isn’t that big of a deal – for this holiday. I just like this so much better, but then it does rely on the girls to pluck up the courage to ‘confess’ first and I know that’s hard for some, although that isn’t just a female issue. I don’t know, maybe I’m just a little bit too much old fashioned about these sort of things, it’s not like I’m all that bothered about the way people do Valentines day now. It’s just a little thing I have about it, that’s all. Or maybe it has something to do with me always being alone on Valentines day, but that doesn’t really bother me too much, I mean I’m not one of those people that will get together with someone just for a holiday, because they don’t want to be alone, for that holiday. Yes quite a few people do do that, a lot. Valentines day, Christmas etc, all those potentially romantic holidays, they will find someone just for a week or 3 surrounding the holiday, then move on. They’ll even go out with people they don’t really like, in that way, all that much. I just think that’s a bit crazy and a tiny bit pathetic. I mean it’s not that bad being alone on days like this, most singles just treat it like another day in the pile of days that make a year.

God what is my life?

Any ways today, right… So it was kind of weird today, alright maybe weird isn’t the right word. But it seems that that misunderstanding that occurred has not been sorted out in my absence – I wasn’t around them for a while, so I was hoping when I saw them again it would all be over, no such luck.

I’m not really sure what to do right now though, so I’m a little ‘torn’ and then I’m just thinking ditch them all the recalibrate a little with someone else. But I’m waiting for some nicer weather, because I was to go outside and not have to worry about being rained on all day long and all that jazz. Although I have a feel they wouldn’t even notice all that much, it’s not like I’m this big, bright light and I would be leaving them in the dark if I wasn’t around – that was a weird metaphor I know. I just can’t wait till summer or at least the summer weather. Sunshine, I want some sunshine. Proper bright and warm sunshine, non of this half light stuff that we’ve been getting recently. I’m not in the mood for that. Not that the weather has ever adhered to my moods…

Maybe I’m just feeling a little off, because the thing that I was waiting to come in the mail still hasn’t. I know I should be patient, but well I’m not being patient… I’m just really nervous about it and I want to talk to someone about it, but I’m not sure who… I mean someone does know, but I can’t talk to him about it, he’d just freak again. I don’t think I can talk to my friends about it either, I’m just a little – well a lot – scared about how they will react. I mean they already see me as a slut, this on top of that, I’m not sure if I can take that right now. I sure they would supportive after they got their heads around the whole thing, but that not the point. I don’t think I could stand the time in between… Oh well guess I’m just going to have to try and hold out a bit longer- hopefully not too much longer.

Quote/Saying of the day: It is amazing how complete is the delusion that beauty is goodness – Leo Tolstoy.

The complex medium of a social love affair…

So it’s still raining, as it has been all week – oh the wonders of nature – everywhere is getting flooded around me, but somehow the buses seem to be still running, god knows how, their getting through the floods, but as long as their running so am I. I feel like I have to try, but it seems that a bunch of people with that attitude are getting stuck away from home and there’s trying then there’s getting stranded and I’m not going to do that, just to learn about the Hegemonic model.

Although I did learn about the ‘warrior gene’ recently, also know as MAOA(-L). It’s the gene that contributes towards someone being aggressive or/and a psychopath. Although just having the gene doesn’t make you one, there have to be other factors in you life as well.

Wasn’t that interesting?

I’m not the biggest fan of the rain, because I’m more into wearing summery clothing, I suppose. Although the rain has yet to stop me from doing my own thing, no matter what others think of me. I’m not going to change, just because some people think I’m a little strange. If I did that, then I would be a completely different person right now.

Alright so I’m meant to be doing something slightly meaningful and productive in this period of time, but instead I’m blogging, god I’m so into procrastinating right no. I know, I know I should be. I should get down and do some work and I will, just not today, tomorrow or this weekend, or perhaps next week – you can’t blame a girl for her short attention span, that leads to her getting bored quickly (perhaps that’s why I’m single for valentines day). Although it always seems to end up like this, but what the hell? I might not be able to go out, even if I did have someone to go to, because I might be flooded in. It seems that that is a problems for a couple I know, but I’m sure they’ll work it out.

Any ways off of the somewhat saddening subject of v-day and onto a similar one. It seems that misunderstands and mis-connections have happened in my absence – alright it wasn’t because I wasn’t there, just I wasn’t there. But it seems that these had painted something in a rather shady light and now people are beginning to think badly of that person. It’s hard to tell someone there in a relationship, when they’re in denial about it, but seeing the people in question today, I couldn’t help, but agree with others, the two where in a relationship and where either in denial or where doing a superbly bad job of hiding it from others, blatant ‘sexual harassment’ – as my friend likes to rather to it as – or more accurately public displays of affection, scream we’re together guys, because I know she couldn’t handle ‘friends with benefits’ she’s just not that type of person – no judgement promise.

So I’ve got a little bit stuck into the Vampire Academy series, although the books aren’t particularly aimed at my age – or maybe a little bit – I still like them. Although I’m pretty much in love with vampires, full stop. So yeah… there’s that. I’ve been thinking of this plot about vampires and other mystical creatures and I did start writing it, but now I can’t find that bit I started, so don’t know where that’s going. Although I’m still not giving up on ‘Going steady’, which really isn’t going anywhere. I need a muse or something to motivate/inspire me. But with my luck at the moment, that won’t be happening any time soon.

Here’s a little music:

I liked this song since I first heard it, but due to there being so many different translations, I’m not too sure which one is correct, but I like this one and the singer is actually pretty good, unlike in some of the other fan dubbed ones – what someone has to say it sometime. But I also like the original, although I can’t understand it, but I’m a little weird like that, I like listening to music even if I have no idea what the person is saying. Not all the time, but sometimes when I find a song I really quite like – such as this one – I like to listen to it in it’s original state and the singer of this, is quite big – I do believe.

Quote/saying of the day: Maybe I’m just too fucking complicated for anyone to love – Unknown.