You, me, everybody

I believe in nothing more than the irrational idea that I can and I am immortal. In these few days that have passes I found myself wondering ‘why’. Alright so that happens quite a bit with me – and don’t asked about the old timey writing style alright? – why did I have to wake up half an hour late, why did I get an eye infection, why do I suddenly have an allergic reaction to something, why am I not taller, why don’t I go live in Japan.

The answer to the majority of all questions is that we are not who we think we are. Alright slightly cryptic I know, but in essence simply the truth.

If I was describe myself in a short sentence or paragraph it would be different to the way my friends would write it and different to the way my family would write it and most likely completely different to the way the guy that winked at me this morning would write it. So out of all these many different people, who am I?

Am I the person I think I am? No

Am I the person my friends think I am? No

Am I the person my family thinks I am? No

Am I the person that guy thinks I am? Yes, wait No!

To be honest some people would say of course not you’re all of these people and more, because most people would concentrate of a trait, the trait that shines the brightest to them when you are around them. Maybe the person you would describe yourself as is the closest to the person you are when you are alone, but that doesn’t make it you.

I am the girl who got straight A’s in all class tests and I am the girl who failed all her exams. I am the girl with the bright and blossoming future, with nothing to worry about and I am the girl that dies of a stress related disease, because I couldn’t stop worrying. I am the girl who is addicted to sex¬†and I am the virgin you want to marry. I am the girl who likes the taste of blood and I am the girl that is squeamish and can’t watch horror film. I am the girl that stays out all night and I am the girl who is afraid of the dark.

There is no way to describe yourself and you cannot be summed up in one word, because no matter who you are and no matter where you are going or what you have done. You are an infinite whirlwind of possibilities.

Is this really me?

Is this really me?

Alright so now that I’ve got that out of my system, done to the nitty gritty. I’ve decided that I want to get a tattoo. Now I have no idea what I want to get and since this is one of those things which is mostly likely going to stay with me for the rest of my life -literally – I think I want to make sure I’m getting the right thing, because I don’t want to wake up one day look down at it and just think ‘what was I thinking?’ I know a lot of people don’t really think about it too much, but I mean I’m not one of those people, also I think I’ll get it somewhere that you can easily cover it up, so that when I’m old and grey I won’t have to show it… De ja vu!

Colour me with crayons

So recently I tried making lipstick out of crayons.

Now before a couple of day ago, I’d no idea that lipstick could be made out of crayons, but now I love the stuff.

It’s really nice on your lips and totally moisturising and it stays on quite well. So I’m glad I tried it out. So check out my other blog With a pinch of salt to get the recipe and try it out yourself.

This week has been¬†another hard week. I’m still having trouble sleeping and what not, but I’m trying to catch up on my sleep this weekend and I might be able to recharge Tuesday as well, which will be nice.

At the moment I’m trying to find a present for my sort of hard to buy from friend. It seems that a lot of my friends are having their birthdays around now, so far there has been 2 and there is about 4 more to go until Christmas, which then means buying more presents and there only about 16 Saturdays until Christmas any ways, so it’s all a bit chaotic and all that jazz. But I’m trying not to think about the future to much, because… well, it’s scary and what not, although exciting at the same time, right now I’m just facing everything as it comes and dealing with things that way, although I was hoping that this weekend would be a time for me to relax, it looks like that won’t be, happening, as I have 4 essays to write and I have only just started one of them – I need to learn to do things as I get them and not let them pile up.

DIY lipstick crayon blog

Down with…

So yeah… My week seems to be in a steady downward spiral. I mean at the start of the week I had a few things that were weighing on me, but now I’m basically being crushed by them.

I know that things were meant to be changing this year, but they don’t seem to be taking a change for the better.

To start with I’m having trouble sleeping, which means I’m extremely tired. I’m also not eating enough and when I do eat I tend to get sicky. I don’t know if I’ve got a cold or something, but I’ve been taking vitamin tablets just in case I am – hopefully it won’t last. Then there the mountain of things I have to do by next week and this test tomorrow, that I am not ready for. There is not enough hours in a day, but at least today I got one thing out of the way and I’m hoping to get another done tomorrow, but at the moment it’s looking like that won’t be happening.

I also basically got dumped. I mean it wasn’t an official relationship, but we were basically going out and well as all my relationships do, we fell apart. I mean he didn’t really dump me, not properly – that’s something I suppose.

I’m also getting overly anxious about getting my blood results back. I was meant to get them back ages ago, but now I have to go to Birmingham, at some point, for more tests, which probably isn’t a good thing – I hate being medically interesting.

To put it basically I’ve been in and out of hospitals since I was about 6 years out, so I’m used to the places, but sick people sort of freak my out, I think it’s because I HATE being sick and so I’m afraid of catching something or because I was made to watch my mother slowly die from an illness and that’s sort of put a very horrible memory of illness in my mind, so yeah.

But at the moment I’m basically a walking time bomb and that’s just wonderful – that was sarcasm for those of you who missed it. The doctors and what not that I have been seeing, seem to be able to find nothing that explain… me. So it’s hard for them to treat me properly.

So maybe the not being able to sleep thing is due to anxiety or something?

So any ways today was kind of rough day in itself and I think I may have been a bit mean to my friends, but I just wanted to be left alone, because I process things best alone and I didn’t want to have to explain everything to them, because well I’m not too good at the mushy stuff, when it comes to myself at least – you can ask my ex-therapist.

Wow this post was a little ranty and mushy.

I’ll lighten the mood.

I watch the film Identity thief today. It was pretty damn funny, but I saw the ending coming. I liked the bounty hunter guy, he was good. So overall it was a good film – normally I would have more to say, but I’m starting to get tireder (finger crossed I sleep) so I made it short and simple.

The red lipped vampire slayer giving birthday presents.

So it’s my friends birthday tomorrow and she’s having a little get together of her closer friends. Although this birthday is sort of one of those big ones, she decided not to make it big. But I’m feeling apprehensive about the present I’ve got her. Although I was thinking about getting her something else, but it’s too late for that now, so I’m hoping she likes it and all that jazz.

Recently I’ve started to watch Buffy the Vampire slayer. It’s not that bad for an older TV series. I mean I actually really quite like it. Although I still don’t think I’ve got a hang of Buffy’s ‘skill’ set yet, as she seems to be able to do something, but then something nearly the same she can’t do it. So I’m a bit confused over that.

I managed to sell some of my clothes the other day, but I forgot about it, so the person I sold a jacket to got a little annoyed, but I’ve sent them off now and I think everything is alright now.

So I’ve been trying to find some nice red lipstick that stays on. But I don’t want it to be too red, although I don’t want it to be overly pink or anything. I’ve been looking for my perfect red lipstick or rather lip stain at the moment, since lip stains seem to be the only ones that actually stay on. Although I’ve been looking around to try and find a way to keep my lipstick on and there seems to be a lot of ways that people recommend, but I’ve not tried them all yet, although I’m probably not going to, but I might try some of them and see how they work out and hopefully I’ll find out that works for me. But I’m still trying to work out my home made lip stain, as at the moment the coverage isn’t very good. But I’ve managed to get it to work a couple of times.

You can’t look down…

When you love someone and they don’t love you back. It’s like dangling from a rope over a drop and that rope shouldn’t be able to hold your weight and you’re just waiting for it to snap, but in spite of that you still let yourself hope that you’re going to be able to climb that rope to the top and everything is going to be alright.

Alright so that was a little depressing, so here’s something a little more up lifting. I’ve been trying out making my own make-up and so far I’ve had quite a bit of success. Although I had a couple problem, mostly with stains, but I managed to deal with them alright, so every things on the up an up there.

The thing that kind of got me onto making my own make-up, was this lipstick that I got recently. It’ll called magic lipstick or mood lipstick – but the mood things complete bullshit, as it isn’t effected by mood at all – the lipstick changes colour when you put it on and it’s meant to be different for each person, as it changes according to their chemistry. Although I’m more into wearing red lipstick, than pink, it’s not that bad a product. I mean it’s not bright pink or anything, it’s actually quite dark. I’m not sure what that says about me exactly, but let’s hope it’s something good

You know how everyone has this ideal person, such as their magic man – if they like men that is. And everyone they are with is judged and the one that is closed to that perfect idea person, is the one they want to spend the rest of their life with, or more commonly known as ‘the one’. I suppose I have a list of things, but that’s not the point the point is, that when you ask someone about what their perfect person is then within the first three things there will be something about their appearance. I mean with some people they talk about their appearance and then their personality (etc) as a sort of after thought. I mean, I can only really talk from the female perspective, but girls are always going on about how they want guys to like them for who they are and not what they look like. But if some with a less than desirable appearance came up to them, they would act the same way they want other people not to. Bit hypocritical. I myself do have a list for my perfect guy and that list does have things on it that are about the guys appearance, but contrary to what a large amount to guys seem to believe I don’t care if their buff. Actually a large amount of buff guys repulse me a little. Some of them go over board. I have this friend like that and he works out everyday, basically all day. I mean it’s stupid the amount of time he spends working out and now his neck has huge muscles, so much so that he has to basically bend his whole body to look down and talk to me, so most of the time we talk with him sitting, or we don’t look each other in the face. But that amount of muscle is horrible. I mean it. Sure not being flabby is nice, but that doesn’t mean muscles.

I don’t know how many people know this, but using your brain burns fat or the thing that makes fat, but basically being smart means you won’t get fat – most of the time. So what I’m trying to say, but I’m rambling, is that when my friend looks at a guy and thinks nerd or whatever. I look at the same guy and think guy. It’s not that I don’t have ‘standards’. I’ll just talk to the guy first, before disregarding him into the no pile – most of the time, sometimes I make snap judgements just like anyone, I’m only human.

So that got my rambling feeling off of my chest and now I feel all refreshed.

I’ve been trying to create a seasons paintings. I’ve got these five canvases and I think I want to do this couple and their romance through the seasons, but I’m having trouble with the backgrounds and the poses for the couple. I want the last one to be the girl turning into butterflies – I have a slightly obsession with butterflies, (as you might be able to tell, from the background of this blog) since my friend got me onto them, she also has a slight obsession with them – and I want the first one to be the girl and some butterflies, but other than that, I’m not too sure about where how it’s going to look.

The revamp of music…

So I went into town today and I had some things that I knew I needed to do, but in the end I only managed to do one of them. One of the things I just completely forgot and the other I couldn’t do because of the day and then I ran out of time for the rest. It was a little disappointing, but I might be able to do them in Worcester on Monday, since I have to go there anyways, so hopefully everything will be all wrapped up with a neat bow by the end of Monday, although looking at my track record that won’t be happening.

So onwards and upwards and all that jazz. So I did get myself a new pair of headphones, which I was in need of, due to having to use my small and relatively broken old ones all the time and I’m seriously considering some alternative to my so-far life plan, but I’m going to think everything through first and way out my options and not make any rash decisions. If I’m going to make a life change this time I want to make sure it’s the right one and that it probably won’t blow up in my face – oh if only.

So anyways today well technically yesterday I had to redo my music library, due to loosing it all. But I’m kind of – a little bit – glade that I had to, as it gave me a opportunity to add a bunch of songs that I hadn’t heard before. Although now that I think about it, there probably some songs that I haven’t put on there that I would like to, but I can do that at a later date or something.

I’ve got a little bit of money spare from my trip, as I saved up, but didn’t spend as much as I thought I was going to, so I popped it into my account, but now I’m thinking about using it to buy this software I’ve been wanting for quite some time now, but I stopped pursing it, because I thought I didn’t have the money for it, although there’s that little voice in the back of my head, telling me not to spend the money and to put it in a saving account or something. But it’s not like I’m going to spend all the money, not even half the money or anything – but that’s just me trying to convince myself.

Anyways so I have to go into Worcester Monday and I was thinking about going to cinema, as I don’t want to waste a trip there or anything, but somehow I’m apprehensive about going by myself, as everyone seems to think that going to the movies by yourself is bad or something, so I’m wondering if it is, but I don’t think that anyone will be free with this much notice and all, so I haven’t really bothered to ask anyone to come with me. I kind of asked if some people where free during a conversation I was having with them, but I didn’t really expect them to say they would be and I think others are on holiday, since I haven’t heard from them in a while – maybe I did something?

So I really should be going to sleep, but somehow I find that I’m most active at night and I just can’t sleep. I think I’m going to have to try and work on that although I’m not too sure how I’m going to sort it out, without some sleep derivation, but onwards and future is waiting for us, like a cat patiently waiting for the mouse to come out again.

Sometimes I think the filter on my mouth must be broken, but then I’m just a blunt person now. I didn’t used to be, but then I didn’t used to say all that much period, so it is considerably harder to be a blunt person, when you don’t say much. But now that I do, I just can’t be bothered sometimes to think about the things that I say. I mean it usually turns out alright, but I don’t have a silver tongue or anything, well honest far from it. But I’m not going to get hurt, by a few strange looks and what not, because I say something stupid, I’m fine with that. Although it can be annoying. But I’m not intentionally trying to hurt people or anything, I can sometimes just say things and then realize just how insensitive they are and want to take them back, but there out there and nothing you can do about that, but explain yourself cross your fingers behind your back and hope everything turns out how you want it .