Something to weigh when losing inspiration

So I’m off to see my cousins tomorrow and although I get along great with them and it’s good to see them and all. I’m not looking forward to going. I don’t want to go. I’m on the edge of a new idea and I feel like if I leave it now, when I come back to it, I’m not going to like it any more and not be able to do it justice. Right now I have everything working overtime to try and work out the plot and a new environment and stimulus is exactly what I don’t need. I suppose the people around me – i.e. my family – don’t get that this is important to me and so think my reasons are trivial and unreasonable and what not, but this is important to me and right now I’m considering pulling an all nighter to try and get at least a little of it done, but I think I won’t do very well, because I’m quite tired now and I think it’ll probably turn out horrible, because half my mind will be on tomorrows events and what not and not the thing at hand. I want this one to be good, no great. I want it to be my first – novel – masterpiece, in a long line of them, but if that will actually happen, well I’ll just have to wait and see.

But I’m meant to be packing right now and I’m putting it off, because I don’t want to pack, due to the fact that I don’t want to go, but I know that my family will just guilt trip me into going in the end and I will feel bad if I don’t go and see them, since I only really get to see them once and year at this time of year. I suppose I really should be less selfish and just go.

But I said I was going to be a bit more selfish. I want to achieve my goals and I won’t be able to do that if I spend all my time thinking about others feelings and wants, need and desires. Although I still find myself weighing these things up when I make decisions these days.

I don’t know I’ll probably feel horrible the entire time there, because I’m missing this chance, but I’ll probably feel horrible if I don’t go, because I’m missing the chance to see everyone. Plus I’ll probably end up spending new years alone, if I don’t go and that’s just depressing.

From Leaving Elpis to Going Steady

So I made a sort of frame for my white board, or rather piece of plastic and started on story ideas. I was going to write this piece based on Pandora’s box, – called Leaving Elpis, which may not make much sense to you, but in relation to the story it does – well it was more like the world after Pandora’s box and the story was about the things that came out of it – if that even makes sense – but I was showing my brother and he just picked it apart until I no longer felt like I could write a good story and so I’m putting that idea on the back burner, until I can work all the kinks out. So Instead I’m not working on this one about this girl for cuts herself, gets addicted to drugs, becomes a prostitute to fund her drug addiction, then becomes a rich man’s mistress and a burlesque/host in his club, oh I almost forgot before that she get’s sold to basically my own version of that places Mafia. I’m not sure where the story is going to go from there, but I think I’m going to make her have a moral dilemma about staying with the rich guy, because he has a wife and kids and she meets them, by accident and she’s off the drugs at this point, because the rich guy got her off of them, for selfish reasons though – I thought I should point that out, I’m not going to portray him as a good guy really. But I know by the end of the book, she is going to be clean and sober and working in a cafe in this tiny town off of some big motorway in the desert or something like that, because that’s where the story begins, but I’m not sure how I want to get her there, whether I want her to get stop herself cutting by herself, or if someone will help her, because throughout everything she’s still cutting.

But that’s the idea for now, basically until I let my brother see it I think, but I think I could do the story justice, since I have quite a bit of knowledge on quite a few of the subjects and no shortage on material for the others. But I’m calling it ‘Going Steady’ for now, but I have a feeling that I’m most likely going to change the name pretty soon.

The construction for my living imagination

So I’ve got my piece of plastic and now I just have to make a frame for it and then I’ll be ready to rumble. I also think I’ve decided what story I’m going to start my with. Red – it’s a working title – the basic story is about people demons and the good and bad in everyone also there a lot of other stuff and of course as there is in all my stories a romance. I think I’m pretty good at writing them so it makes sense to continue, as I also like writing that sort of thing.

So it’s looks like things are on the up and up, if I can get this frame built in a few days. The actual piece of plastic isn’t like how I imagined, so it’s not the best, but I’ll make do. I was hoping for something more square, since it looks like 2 pieces of A3 paper stuck together by the smaller ends, which is a bit annoying, because everything will have to be done across and that not really my usually formate, so I’m going to have to learn to work with that. But I think I can make it work, or maybe get another piece or something, although it was kind of expensive, so I’m not sure if I can afford another piece, but it’s clear plastic, so it’s less like a white board, which I think I actually like right now, although everyone – that’s was helping me come up with ways of creating my own white board – seems to be fixed on it being a ‘white’ board, with ‘White‘ as the main feature, it doesn’t matter too much, as long as it serves it function and there is this piece of white plastic or paper behind it, so I think I can just leave that there and that will do the trick, since it’s going to be in front of a window, so I don’t want the sun to be shining through and blinding me all the time, while I’m working. But as I said I think I’ve got an easy fix for that.

Now for just a little DIY and everything will be perfect, apart from the fact that I’m going away in a few days to see my cousin, which is lovely and all and I want to see them don’t get me wrong, but I also want to get a move on with writing this novel, I really feel motivated to finish it this time and actually try and get publish. I get that I probably won’t or that it will be this tiny crappy place that makes me pay some stupid amount that I don’t have, but that’s not the point of this endeavor.

Whiteboard plots and creative decisions… for me

So Christmas is over and I’m sort of glade, this Christmas wasn’t really a very good one for me, but I’m not going to go into depth about all that.

So recently I’ve been trying to write a novel and this time finish it. So today I started, the idea I had in mind seemed simple enough, it was a love story and it involved time travel and also the reader loosing their memory. The entire story is based around the writer or me, telling the reader who they are, so it’s set in the 1st person, but it also seems a bit 2rd person-ish, because of the continual use of ‘you’. Although writing in 2rd person is considered to be actually really quite hard to do well, I quite like it. I wrote this one for a class once and well is got me top marks, so maybe that just boosted my confidence in writing in that person, but it can be quite fun and it also has this sort of aspect of drawing the reader right into the story, which can be quite good and fun to do as well. In this one the reader is part of the story. But I was summarising my outline to my brother, because he readers a the kind of genre where time travel pop up a lot and so has some theories about it and I thought I’d run mine by him, but to be honest all he did was make me not want to write this one. He made the whole story seem way more complicated than I had first thought and well I didn’t want it to be, but apparently if you can’t put the laws of science to back up your time travel, then people won’t like it. So I’m thinking about making myself a white board, because buying one is too expensive and writing an outline of the story and working out all the ideas behind it and all that jazz. But I’m also thinking about letting this one lye, until I have more time to give it proper thought and detail and maybe working on something that I can give that proper detail with the strenuous thought processes, because I want to finish it by the 1st, although now I’m thinking that not going to happen, but I want to at least have done 1/3 of it, at the very least. I know I can write a lot in one day, but that also means that I probably won’t be eat or sleeping too much in those, however many hours it is until new years and I’m also going up to my cousins on the 31st, so I might not be able to write much then, because I get motion sickness and my father is driving, which means it going to be pretty bad. For some reason I always get more sick when my father is driving. I think it’s just his driving style is more jerky or something, I’m not really sure.

But I thinking about setting back to work on my three part series that I’ve had in the works for a while now. Now and then I think about the plot line and add a little here or there, but I haven’t written much in a while and the third book hasn’t been touched, since I wrote the beginning, which is also the end of the second or the first, but the second in the time line. I’m not too sure which way I’m going to release/finish them, so the second could be the first and the first could be the second, but I’m certain the third is just the third. Because the first describes how and why the second comes into being and the third completes the second, so I think if I made the second first, then I would have to put the first after that, so that the second would make more sense and then to round it all off the third, because the third won’t make sense without the first before it, so the third is always just the third – if that makes sense, I think it does.

So any ways, I’m not too sure if I’m even going to go back to the series for this, I might pick up something else that I’ve had lying around for however long. It strange that I can remember all of my plots – and there are a lot of them – but I can’t memorise things for exams in the same way. Maybe it’s because I make the plots myself, or because I am invested in the plots more than the memorisation of exam topics and what not. Honestly if you’re not interested in something you’re not going to remember it are you? But I can remember the plot for my very first book and this was way back when I was only just learning to read and write. It was the revenge story, about a girl who’s brother is killed, to be honest I never really gave a reason for the death of her brother it just happened. Any ways in the death of her brother and main character find out she had a power, there’s all these people in the story with powers over elements, but I also created light and dark powers, but at the time I was calling them gold and dark powers, until I realise light and dark was better, so she had a golden power, which of course was rare and so she sets out on a journey to hunter down her brothers killer. I never finished the book, because about half of it was lost, due to my brother and I lost my spark for it, but I’m still sort of proud of the accomplishment that I did get half of it written, it was going to be a really long book. Honestly a lot was going on. Because at first it was just going to be about the main character journey and victory over evil, blah blah blah, but then it turned into the whole worlds victory over evil and this great struggle, that tore apart lives and this secret love affair between a princess and a commoner and all this other stuff, that had nothing to do with the main character at the time, although the character did intersect at the end. I had a big and highly active imagination when I was a child and I like to think that I still do, but I’m not too sure any more. Perhaps it’s just more of a refined, but still active imagination. I suppose you need one to become a popular author, you need to imagine what other want to read and then create it, I suppose, although at the moment I’m mostly writing for myself and not the reader, maybe after finishing something and trying to get published I’ll change my ways, but I feel like if I start writing solely for the reader, then I won’t be able to write any more, because writing won’t be what it is to me now, it’ll be more like a chore that I must do and right now I don’t want that to happen, maybe in the future, but you can really see what will happen to my writing in a few years from now. Although I can guess that it might still be the same, if I don’t give myself a kick in the ass now and then.

The Christmas showers on gingerbread houses…

So all the family is starting to arrive, well not just the family, but the maybe-one-day-family as well and by that I mean my father’s girlfriend – who isn’t an evil step mother, thank the lord. Although I don’t really like thinking too deeply about it, it seems that my father has good taste in, let’s say, people.

But on from my father’s love life. My friend is trying to pin point a day when all the girls, can make it to her’s for a sleepover. Because we haven’t had one in a long time – at her place. And I think she wants to do some bonding and mend some bridges and all that jazz and just make this into a friendly, friend, friend sleepover, which you would completely understand why, if you were part of my social circle, oh but you’re probably not and if you are, I might just have to move on – but any ways. My friends have been in the middle of a friendship war – as I like to call it right now – so I think this sleepover is either to try and recruit solders, or make a peace treaty – in more war-ish terms there, you think I did alright, I was just going on what I know of the 1st and 2rd world wars.

So it’s nearly Christmas and a couple of friends came over today to make a gingerbread house kit, which turned out alright at first, until the roof fell off and we tried to eat it. Honestly it wasn’t very nice and I think I might just throw it in the bin or something, unless any of the family wants to try their luck. But it was fun and all that jazz, so time well wasted.

Although Christmas is only 2 nights away, I don’t feel like it is. I’m still not feeling Christmasy and it’s sort of getting to me, maybe I’ve just got to that age or something, although I know people a lot older than me, who get much too excited about Christmas. Maybe it’s because this year has been a little different than most, or maybe it’s something else, but whatever it is, I’m just more feeling it right now. Maybe when the actual day comes it will be better,  but for now, it just feel… blah.

It’s been raining none stop here today and there’s been a little bit of flooding. I myself was hoping for a little snow, but looks like I’ll have to be contented with the down pour of rain, rain, rain oh and a little bit more RAIN. Honestly I do and don’t like rain, there are times when it is great and times when you just wish it was stop and never start again, but it’s a must and it’s needed for survival, so I can live with the rain and not just because I’ve got no choice. I’m grateful for it when I think about deserts and places like that, that basically never see the rain.

The reality of the me I maybe…

I’m scared of admitting that I’m not the person everyone wants me to be and I’m scared that no one can see me at all. It’s not that I think of myself as being invisible, but rather that the person people see isn’t me at all, just this projection of a person that I hand to them, to stop them from working out who I really am. But then I’m afraid that the real me, is disappearing, being melted into the fake version of me. I don’t want to loss myself, to a person I don’t know and don’t understand. Confusion can kill, just as easy as bullets. I’ve spent a larger part of my life being confused by myself and that’s probably one of the many reasons why I don’t expose my true self to people, because I don’t understand it or sometimes even like it.

Everyone has that part of themselves that they wish they could change, although these days most people go to physical aspects first. I don’t want to change, but I don’t want to stay the same. Progress for the sack of progress – or something like that.

Well I’m not feeling particularly Christmasy at the moment, I don’t know why, but this year I just can’t get into the Christmas spirit the same way I usually do. I mean usually Christmas is both happy and sad for me, but I tend to focus on the more happy aspects – silver lining and all that jazz.

I’ve been playing this one song over and over for a little while now and sure I like it, but I’m not sure why I’m just listening to this one song.

So that’s the song. I watch the re-make of footloose the other day.

In and out of the Army without Christmas cheer

Alright so yesterday I headed down to an army base to pick up my brother. It was actually quite fun. They split the visitors up into 2 groups according to the person they had come to see/pick up and then they were given their cap badges and then the winners of some competition they had had the day before – I think – did some drills. I’m proud to say they my brother was part of those drills, although they looked a little sloppy, but I think that was because they were all eager to get home and relax, because the training sounds rather… vigorous. Then we were given tea/coffee and snacks, while the boys set up some booth for us to walk around. The entire time we were escorted about the place in these groupings, so you had to keep up or you got left behind and lost. The booth were quite interesting. The first one my group went to was this catwalk of all the different outfits that they wear and it was quite fun, watching these fit guys strut around in their outfits. Then we headed inside for a locker room tour. To be honest the rooms were different than how I had imaged them to be, for one they were smaller. When my brother talked about the barracks on the phone to me, I imaged this big, place, with beds lined along the walls and a high ceiling. But it was a lot less… old fashion than that and looked like a… maybe… hotel or hostel rooms. Although the strictness of the way they had to keep their beds and lockers were high. We got to inspect the lockers and if they weren’t up to standards make the guys do press up, although I think that they would have had to have done something else if it was a real locker inspection. But it was quite fun. Then we headed to my brother’s booth, where they were talking about the weapons. The first thing they did when we arrived, was to make one guy strip down this gun – I actually can’t remember what gun through- in 20 seconds. And then they talked us through the different parts and different sights. We got to have a look at the guns and bits and adds ons, but I was actually surprised by the weighing of the first gun, it was surprising light in the middle and then heavier on either end, which I didn’t expect. I was expecting it to be the same weight all the way through, but then I suppose it wasn’t loaded – for safety reasons – so the mag might have made a difference. After the booths, we were taken to a place to wait for them to get changed into savillian clothing and pack their bags. So all the way back home my brother was telling me stories about things that happened while he was there and the kind of training they did, which is actually quite interesting. Although he was going on about how he had lost weight, which was making me feel even heavier than before. I sort of let myself go a little recently, so I’m back on exercising and I’m going to try and do it everyday, but I don’t know how that is going to turn out, especially was it’s nearly Christmas. But by the time we got home yesterday it was almost 11 and I had this report to write, so I ended up staying up until about half past 2 in the morning, writing and then editing this damn thing, I’m so glad that I’m done with it now!

Although Christmas is about 4 days away now, I’m still not really feeling completely Christmasy. Maybe it’s because I haven’t heard very much Christmas songs, or gone to any Christmas parities, although we did do present giving and all that jazz, so it should be feeling more like Christmas. Maybe I will closer to the day, such as Christmas Eve. Which is apparently the most romantic day to propose, if anyone was thinking about doing that.

A promise yet unsaid in a season so delightful

I make promises to myself and I break those promises, but it’s alright, because I’m only making those promises to myself and in some cases I think it actually turns out better when I do break those promises, although I have no way of knowing how things would have turned out if I didn’t break them, so better than I imagined the promises would turn out.

I’m used to broken promises whether by myself, or other people. It is hard to keep your word all the time, so I try and understand when someone promises something, but doesn’t deliver. I’ve learned not to expect people to understand my transgressions, but to understand others people’s. Even if it is to forget something truly important to me, I understand that they may not feel the same way. We cannot make people think the same way as us, although we do try our hardest to do so. I would prefer a world where people always kept their promises, but a perfect world, might make for an even more imperfect me and that wouldn’t do, since my imperfections are numerous already.

Promises are simply words, in which we use to convey meaning to the meaningless – or something like that. But in the end a promise isn’t binding, we do not have to remember or do. Although society wills us to do so and when you come across a person like me, who is willing to simply pretend to forget with you, it makes the guilt – if there even was any – evaporate completely. If the person you made the promise to doesn’t remember, it doesn’t matter that you forget, right? Because without the memory the promise does not in fact exists at all. But I didn’t forget, I only tried to spare feelings, so as to not place unwanted blame, for such reasons as I may ‘love’ you or have ‘loved’ you, or are in some way close enough to you, to not want harm placed upon you – or something along those lines any ways.

Today was one of those sunny but cold days, which I actually sort of love about winter. Although sunny snow is something as well. There are certain stereotypical days that appear in certain seasons around the year that I really love. Although only in the right season – or so I would have myself believe. Nothing much out of the ordinary happened today, it was the usual progression of events, although Christmas is slowly getting closer and I’ve only got about 1 more present to buy and then I’m done on that front – yay and all that jazz.

I’ve decided to write a short novel over the Christmas time and I think I know what I’m going to base the story around. Although I’m not sure I want to continued with my current theme of disaster and the horror of living a certain sort of lifestyle, although I want to do something on the mortality of the human and the human mind, although that might have to wait. But I’m going to start this one new and finish it maybe, hopefully by the new year, although I might not begin it until the end of the week or somewhere around then. I know that most people would argue against this, but I already sort of have a name in mind ‘The Unblinded’, although I might just tuck that one away for a raining day and come up with something else for this, but if I don’t finish it by the new year-ish time, I think I’ll probably be a bit crushed. I don’t really work amazingly under timed conditions, but I’ve got to get myself used to it any ways and I can do it in my breaks for all the revision I’m meant to be doing.

The oblivious bystander is black and blue again…

Today, right well today.

Today is what I think walking into a bar and getting socked in the face, because someone and someone else decided to start a fight, would feel like. You have nothing really to do with the start of the fight, but you get dragged into it and then you’re trying to make it to the bar to actually get a drink, but you just keep getting hit over and over again.

So I’m sitting in the corner all black and blue, somehow I’ve got a drink and I’m just about to take a swig, when someone grabs it and chugs the whole thing, laughs at me and throws the empty glass at me.

Yeah I think that’s a sort of accurate picture of my day, oh and it was raining and you don’t have an umbrella so you only really went into the bar, to get out of the rain and cold.

Alright so I think I’ve made my point about my day being sort of crap, but what the hell, it’s not like I blog about anything else these days.

So today I was the oblivious bystander who didn’t deserve or really want any of the shit that went down. I’m a kind of nice – she says tentatively – and empathetic person, so I can get where people are coming from and I like to look at both sides of the argument blah blah blah… But I’m dam tired to being empathetic and nice and reasonable. I’m tired of feeling like this and tired of getting kicked down every time I start to feel alright about everything again.

I’ve been working through some stuff recently and I haven’t bothered to tell anyone about it, because right now I don’t think I would want to tell anyone really, not because I don’t want people to know – well not completely – but because I think they wouldn’t take it well, or even understand at all, so it would probably just mess things up a bit there, because watching how they handled the stuff about my friend, I’m thinking that maybe I won’t trust them with it. I know what people say ‘real friends tell each other everything’ well I’m calling bullshit on that. Real friends do tell each other secrets, but real friends are also supportive and there for you when you need them and so on and so forth.

Sometimes I wish I could just be completely careless… about all this idiot stuff.


It’s a Biological space need

Everyone is either running away from something or running towards something, but which ever it is, it is true that everyone is running.

I myself am unsure as to whether I am running away or towards. I would like to think towards, but thinking too hard about it, it looks more like away. Most people tend to deny they are actually running at all and so end up giving themselves a harder time than they need to really.

I used to love running when I was younger, it wasn’t really something I ever did competitively thought and I never really thought about doing anything like that, mainly because I was a little too unmotivated to even bother. Running so something I did for fun… It was a realise. It felt like the rest of the world didn’t matter, in that moment it was just me and nothing else. The closest thing I will ever get to flying, was what I thought back then, but then now I have much greater ambitions. Alright so it may never happen and I’m OK with that, but we can dream can’t we. All people want to fly and so they can, that’s why we have planes and what not, but I want to fly by myself, or something like that, I mean I want to grow wings and fly. But then that probably requires biology and since the ‘man’ didn’t think I was smart enough – fancy that – to do biology, I couldn’t and I wasn’t about to sit through all the sciences again, just to do something with more people like him, who will just look down on me and act like I’m a big moron, who doesn’t belong there. I love the idea of combining human and animal DNA, it fascinates me, but the whole process is yet to really work, well in the sense that I am thinking, sort of a spider man effect, but then I think it might have to be from birth, unless you could find some way of allowing the DNA change, maybe through some form of growth, I don’t do biology, so I don’t really understand fully and from what I have see of my friends biology notes and what not, the sort of biology they do wouldn’t help me much here at all. Maybe in the future I’ll teach myself a little, but right now I don’t feel the need to make my fantasies real, at least not these ones. Wings can wait, until later, when I’ve got the time and money and maybe a little more public respect or something like that – if you get where I’m going with this.

So what got me thinking about running today, well I’m not sure, I was just sitting on the bus staring absent mindedly out of the window, watching the world go by, and the thought struck me, I haven’t run just to run in a really long time and then I started thinking about why. And the reason I came up with was simple, private space. I like to run alone and I like to keep running without obstacles, so I feel like running is only worth doing in a nice private – as can be – wide open space, otherwise I don’t and there aren’t any spaces like that around me any more. I mean compared to where I lived before, people are packing in like sardines. Well that might be a bit over the top, but sometimes I feel like there is no where to go and that can be seriously frustrating, maybe because every where is so owned around here, so it’s hard to find a nice place to go, so I don’t.