Once upon a careless moment…

Sometimes I hate people, they can be so careless with others and so self centred. I know I can be like that as well, but I try not to be most of the time and when I am and I don’t mean to be I have the decency to feel bad about it and perhaps say something in apology. But then people seem to think it just fine to stamp all over me, because I seem to have this ability to look past that and see the good in them and just take all the bad. I like to think this is because the good is worth the bad and there is more good than bad in them, but it’s times like these that I start to think I’m wrong.

I’m not going to go into detail, because I think it’ll just make me want to start breaking things and people.

So I’m going to talk about something else instead. Right so I’ve entered a bunch of prize draws, which I’m very much hoping I’ll win, but knowing my luck it’s not looking in my favour, but then maybe I’m due some or something. I’m also entered a writing competition, which I am not going to win, because I piece I’ve entered is good, but from the looks of things everyone else’s are much better. I’m just well me and their worldly old(er) people.

I know I posted that I was going to put I picture of my hair up, but I didn’t have time to do it, as I’ve been a little swamped, with all the competition entering and all, but not just that of course… I will do it, it just might take a while…

So the weather has turned nasty, with thunder and lightening today, which I was almost court in, but I only just got home, when it really started coming down and the lights in my place started flickering, giving it a scary film feel at one point.

So I watched that trailer for Maleficent today and I heard this song, which brought back memories, from childhood.

Quote/saying of the day: It’s hard to tell who has your back, from who has it long enough just to stab you in it. – Nicole Richie

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Jumping up and down in the hopes the fat will fall out…

So I’ve dyed my hair and although it’s not as vibrant as I would have liked, it’s still good. Although I wasn’t completely expecting it to be that vibrant on my dark and over already dyed hair. I only did the end blue, which although is blue, has a green tinge to it as well and also looks a black flecked blue in low light, but I sort of like that about it, in a way. Makes it more unique or something like that.

So any ways me and a couple of friends were looking into going away this summer, unfortunately it looks like we won’t be going abroad, because they can’t afford it, which is quite saddening. I suggested going camping, which would probably be cheaper, but then there’s a problem with the cars and all that jazz, since we can use my fathers car in the UK, but not outside of the UK. So it looks like camping in the UK, probably Cornwall, like we did last years, which was fun and it’s meant to be great weather this summer, which I am looking forward to. Yay for the sunshine. And even if we do end up camping in the UK, I’m still heading off to Jamaica this year, to go see the family and enjoy and delights of that wonderful country. Plus I might book a couple days by the beach, because the family lives in-land, so we would have to drive quite a way to the beach and they just might make me go to church, which isn’t to bad because it’s Jamaican church, which it a lot better and more fun that English church – I’m talking about Christianity here BTW.

So I’m still on my diet, although I don’t think I’m losing any weight, but I think I have lost some fat. As I’ve added exercise to my daily routine, I think that I might be building muscle and – fingers crossed – losing fat, so I’m not losing any weight, but I am thinning or less fat. Which I’m happy about, since I don’t really want to lose weight I just want to lose fat, and since muscle weighs more than fat, I won’t mind if my weight went up for that reason. Although this could just be wishful thinking on my part and the diet could not be working for me, since it doesn’t restrict how much you eat, just what you eat, which is one of the nice things about it.

Quote/saying of the day: If nature had intended our skeletons to be visible it would have put them on the outside of our bodies. ~Elmer Rice

Let’s talk about my newly reformed desire to self mutilate…

Right so… I seem to be starting a lot of paragraphs with so. But any ways. I’ve been thinking about getting my ears pierced, I mean the upper part of my ear, which I did learn the name of and then properly forgot. I’m already had my lobes done, but ear piercing is quite expensive to save on money, I’ve been looking into doing it myself. Now I’m not super keen on the needle and ice method, so I was looking into getting my own gun, but then that seems a ikle bit dangerous – espically in my hands – but then I found this plastic things, that seem to be a good idea for me.

So that’s what it looks like. You just squeeze your ear between the two parts and there you go pierced. The only think is, I was looking at earring for piercing in that area of the ear and I noticed that they looked bigger that standard earrings. Now I’m not sure if that is just because of the computer screen or the photo or what not, but there is always the possibility that they are and don’t want to pierce it with this tiny hole, then have to push a huge earring through it later, so I’m going to buy each and compare and if it is bigger, then I will have to work something out, like piercing my ear, then taking the piercing out and putting the bigger one in, but I don’t want to do that in case of infection and I imagine it will hurt, as it will probably be fiddly trying to get the second earring in, but hey ho and all that jazz.

Yes so now I’ve gone and got myself a pair of hoop earrings, some ear care after care solution and a cute blue one time use ear piercing gun, with which I am going to pierce my ears this weekend or at least the end of this week, because that’s when they arrive, Wednesday or Thursday.

So I was thinking – there goes the so again – about taking some pictures of my hair and popping them into this post, but then it got to well now and I just can’t be bothered, since I’m really tired from the day, as we did Easter today instead of tomorrow and I’m not feeling well, but I still pushed myself to do my usual exercise routine, which was a mistake, but we live and learn and all that jazz. So I’ll take some pictures tomorrow and post them some time this weekend or maybe the beginning of next, when I have the time and can be bothered and remember to basically. Because I might be going out Tuesday-Wednesday and I’m diffidently going out Monday night, so I don’t know when I’ll have the time and all that jazz, but I’ll find some.

Oh and also I’ve decided what I want to get as a tattoo. I’ve been thinking about this for about the past 7 to 8 years and now I think I know what I want. I wanted to make sure that I would like it for as long as I live and not just get something on the spur of the moment and now I’ve made a decision. I always thought people that got tattoos on the spur of the moment were a little silly. I mean it’s all cool and everything to get a tattoo of your favourite bands logo, but what about if in maybe 20 years you realise that actually that band sucks, because you ever just a silly youngest with no sense of music, sure there are going to be some people that have great music sense, even when they’re young and will still love the same bands when they’re old and grey, but that’s not everyone now is it. I want my tat to mean something more and I’m not doing it because I think it’s cool or anything like that, I’m doing it because I think it’s… beautiful and dedicated and I’m real interesting in the tradition of tattoos, although that’s another thing really. Maybe those weren’t the right words, but they were what I came up with, then trying to describe the feelings I have for tats. So any ways I’ve decided to get Latin writing and a butterfly, since butterflies have been a fascination of mine since I was old enough to understand what a butterfly was and also I fit in with the writing and meaning behind the writing as well. Normally I would put what I wanted, but I’m tired and don’t want to have to go into explaining it, so I’m not going to.

I want it to be vibrant!

SO I’m thinking about colouring my hair again. I’ve been through most of the basic home made do it yourself style temporary hair dyes, such as using markers and conditioner, but those didn’t really show up in my hair. I’ve also got chalk, which showed up lovely and vibrant, but was super messy and came out on everything, although such around a little longer with heat, but apparently that’s really bad for your hair. So I’m going back to pre-made stuff and seeing if I can get something good. I’ve looked around online, for ideas, but the most popular seemed to be manic panic and when I looked that up, it wasn’t really what I was looking for, as it said it dried hard and I thought ‘maybe not’ as I want to be able to style my hair after colouring it, so I’m going to try this over La Riche stuff, which looks good and comes with a tinting brush.

This time I was thinking, maybe I won’t do all my hair and just do bit or dip dye or something like that, because I think that looks quite good and less people are doing it now – I’m weird about certain trends, as I don’t want to look like everyone else and all that jazz. I know people are still doing it, but it’s not really the big thing any more, at least not where I live, but hey I think we get the big thing late or something, because it took a little while for red hair to start sprouting up, when that was the big thing. But hey-ho, now I get dye my hair red if I want, yay!

I was thinking about trying to put a pattern of sorts in my hair, like a butterfly, but I think that might be too difficult for my capabilities, but I’m going to give it a go and if it turns out disastrous, I can wash it out or something I suppose.

I got this bright blue and a darker purple sort of red, which they called rubine and the blue was called Atlantic, it looked bright, although quite dark as well, but the colour guide was incomplete, so I had to use a couple of online google images to work out what colours I wanted, so I’ve got my fingers crossed that they turn out to be really beautiful or at least moderately beautiful colours and not horrible.

 

Quote/saying of the day: The more you tweet about why your hair colour makes you better than others, the more I despise you.

Faith or love, with fight or flight

So it seems my year or so of peace, was only going to last that long. It’s a pity because I thought that I could do this and overcome the ‘demons’ of my past. Normal was beginning to feel like an actual thing for me, I mean I was quite ordinary in the sense that I would have liked to have been, but I thought I was getting there, how stupid and delusional that idea seems now. If I was religious I would probably be saying that this is my punishment or something – I mean I was a certain type of religious – but I’m not. To be honest a lot of the religious people I meet scare me, but I’m also fascinated by them. Putting so much faith in the idea of one thing, one high power, which they would do anything for. That’s also the thing that fascinates me about love, but then maybe faith in God and love for another person – or persons – aren’t all that different and maybe that’s just another one of my problems.

Oh dam I’m just whining again, I tend to end up doing that a lot, all bark no bite. But then if you pushed me into a corner, I’d bite your throat out if I thought that was the way out. If it’s me or someone else, I think I’d probably most of the time choose me, although I suppose it might change depending on the person, but it’s just biology. Like the other day my friend wanted to find out if people were fight or flight as their ‘natural setting when scared’ she was went around scaring people in one way or another and it seems I’m fight, I almost punched her in the face.

So today was a wet the cold summers day, because yes it’s meant to be summer now, but someone forgot to tell the weather, because it’s still acting like it’s the beginning of spring. It’ll be Easter soon and I can’t wait, because with Easter comes a holiday and with a holiday comes time away from… everything that I don’t want to be around. Although I’m not sure if I’m going to be able to eat Easter eggs, because of my diet and to be honest that sort of the only part of Easter that my family has done in years, but when I was younger we used to celebrate a bit more, and the Grandmother sometimes came over, with the religious side of it, which is one of the reasons why I know that Christ wasn’t born on Christmas day, but let’s not get into that. But then I might just break my diet and gorge on chocolate then go into a sort of dark spiral and stop eating properly for a while, then take the diet back up again, but hey-ho the world has wicked things in it.

So… I went to see that new Noah film over the weekend, which is probably what got me thinking about religion and all that. I was surprised it was a 12A, because there was quite a bit of violence/gore in it. Such as the bit where the men are ripping animals apart and the bit where the girls gets trampled to death and so on and so forth. And I also think it was exactly super accurate, but hey-ho artistic license and all that jazz. It’s not like they said it was going to be the actually bible story, but film based on the story I suppose. Although it did raise a couple of questions about incest, which I would one day like to ask a Christian about, as I’m sure there’s an answer, I just didn’t see it or something like that. Such as the whole Adam and Eve only have 3 sons. I never really thought about it before, but where did all the other people come from? Did God make more people or the 3 sons wives or something? I feel like I’m missing parts of the story. And then there were the fallen angels – I think I should have started this bit with a SPOILER ALERT, but never mind – I always thought they weren’t in the Noah story or the bible well this part. I was under the impression that the fallen were an adaptation or something like that – I feel like that’s not the right word, but I can’t think of anything better, and I trying to be an author, maybe you can understand why I have yet to succeed. But it did have my favourite bit in it. The bit at the end of the story… God’s promise – at least from what I can remember that’s what it is, but maybe I’m wrong and if so sorry about that.

But just so you know exactly what film I’m talking about here’s a trailer:

Quote/saying of the day: Don’t use words too big for the subject. Don’t say infinitely when you mean very; otherwise you’ll have no word left when you want to talk about something really infinite. ― C.S. Lewis

Drag me to the surface…

So it’s been a little while since I last posted. A lot has happened, as even when I don’t bother to post life goes on and all that jazz. I’ve just been going through some stuff, that I couldn’t post about, I tried writing it out a couple times but I just couldn’t, maybe it’s one of my many issues or personality traits that prevented me from venting everything out here, but whatever it was, I didn’t and I’m not going to now. But today was the last straw I feel like I’m… dying. I know dramatic right and probably over the top and all that, but I don’t know how else to describe this, maybe drowning. It’s like being under water, but not realising, until you’ve run out of oxygen and your head started to feel like it;s about to explode… I feel like I’m going to explode and every time I’ve felt anything close to the way I’m feeling right now I’ve done something stupid, normally something harmful, self destructive and really really stupid. I’m not sure what to do, I keep thinking that indulging myself in other things will allow me to vent it out and I thought it was working, but obviously not. Due to my many issues, I don’t have anyone to talk to about this and I’m really scared. I’m scared that I’m going to do something stupid and that this time I’m not going to come out the other side. I’m even scared to go to sleep sometimes, because I’m afraid I won’t wake up, but then there’s this part of me that doesn’t want to wake up, that just wants to go to sleep and never wake back up again. I keep telling myself that I can handle this and that I’ve been though this sort of dark side of myself before and that I can do this alone, like I always do, but it’s getting harder and harder to believe that. Wow this ones depressing. Maybe something to lighten the mood or something: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X2BYmmTI04I But then I’ve been obsessed with this song from Great Gatsby lately: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O4uD6o9XxLs I’m not completely sure why, maybe because the only time I feel peaceful is when I immerse myself in this song and just let my imagination run wild. It’s inspiring I suppose. Oh I didn’t say lately I haven’t been able to write. It’s like I’m empty, but when I listen to this, not so much. Quotes/sayings of the day: When I want to scream because I feel like I’m going to burst, I open my mouth and pretend that something is coming out, because I don’t want to give the world the satisfaction of hearing me scream any more – Unknown I am not what I seem, look past my surface and, you might scream ― Anastasia wild