So it seems I’ve been on a bit of a downhill spiral recently, although the presence of my father and his girlfriend aren’t helping. It’s not that I don’t like having them around, it’s just that there’s something about having them around that just wakes up this part of me, maybe it’s because when their not here I can stuff all the bad emotions and what not into a little box in the back of my head and get on with the shit that I have to do, but when they’re around I just can’t seem to do that. And then there’s this little part of me that always conscious of what I’m doing around other people and that part of me is the part that doesn’t want to do anything, eat, drink etc in front of other people, I think that all goes back to the time when I kind of was half starving myself, because I was just never hungry, plus I was sort of suicidal back then, well more suicidal back then. I mean I’ve sort of got a handle on things now, but every now and then, more so when my emotions are running high, then those sort of thought tumble back in.
It’s sort of odd, but when I’m around my father I get this ‘feeling’ – best word for it – that I have to live up to certain expectation, but not the good ones, the ones where I’m a good person and successful, but the bad ones. It’s like all the bad things about, me the selfishness and the inability to achieve, sudden get amplified. I’m not blaming my father for it, it’s just happened when he’s around and not just him, but mainly him. It’s like I don’t want to try, because there’s not point, because all those things he’s thinking are true and that I might as well have fun, or rather sulk in my own misery, than actually try and prove him wrong.
And people say I’m smart… God are they wrong. I’m not stupid though. Well not all the time. I’m average and I’ve come to terms with that fact about myself. I probably had the potential to be smart way back when, but that’s gone now the factors of my life have stunted that.
So I’ve been watching Hannibal recently. Although I’m only on the second episode. These sorts of programs tend of give me a negative view of people, but that usually wears off in a couple of minutes after I stop watching, so it’s all good. Probably just the years of desensitisation kicking in, or something along those lines.
I’m just feeling frustrated today, because I’ve been really unproductive all weekend and that’s horrible, at the start of the week I had a plan and up until Friday/Saturday I was following it to the letter – unlike other plans I’ve devised in the past. But now everything has gone awry – The best laid plans of mice and men and all that jazz. But I did plan for this, just didn’t plan for me, if that makes any sense at all. Dam I wish I could just skip over the next 2 and a half weeks.
Quote/saying of the day: The best laid plans of mice and men, often go awry – Robert Burns