Post me my lucky co-operation style…

So sometimes I think I’m too ambitious and then other times I feel like I don’t have enough ambition. But then maybe I’m just too ambitious in certain aspects of my life and not enough in others. Although it would be nice to sit somewhere in the middle, since that’s where I like to take up residence.

So my master plan is coming along smoothly so far, but I see some bumps in the road ahead, such as lack of co-operation from my friends, because I’m keeping them in the dark and all that jazz. Also lack of finances, but I’m sort of leaving that up to the universe and if it does actually work the way I’m very much hoping it tends to work, then that should be just dandy.

Speaking of finances, I’ve entered into the postcode lottery, mainly because I don’t have to pay for it and I’m probably the only person around here – with my postcode – that has entered, I need as much money as I can get at the moment. Although being the only person with my postcode on there is apparently not that big of an advantage, actually it’s a disadvantage, because my postcode is less likely to be draw, although it does mean if is draw, I get all the money and don’t have to split it. I did think about talking some of neighbouring friends into doing it as well, however I really need and money and am willing to take the chance, plus I’ve got postcodes entered, because I’ve used both my university postcode and my home postcode, although I don’t know how the prize giving works, so if my home one did somehow win the money might be sent there, which could be a problem, since the father would see it and probably give me an ear full about ‘these sorts of sites’ being bad and what not.

He used to play the lottery every week, but I suppose somewhere down the road he gave up and now he only plays it now and then, like at Christmas or if there’s a super big jackpot, times like that.

I won’t say I’m the most unlucky person out there or the most lucky, I think I’m about average-ish, maybe a little below.

So I’ve got an in-class test tomorrow, which I haven’t revised for – oops! But it’s not until the afternoon, so I can get up then I can revise in the morning and what not. Although if this weekend has been any indication, I’m might not even make it to the test, because I’ll still be fast asleep. I’m going to try and go to bed early today – at least earlier than 5 am, which is when I’ve been going to be recently.

On another note; There are so many places I want to visit now, I’ve no idea how I’m going to be able to see them all before I die or get so old that I can’t move anyone or am blind, because I image that I’m going to be one of those old people that getting some sort of horrible disease and is basically bed ridden and not one of those old people that can actually still do things, unlike what most people think old people can and can’t do. But let’s not get into that. I’ve been trying to squeeze as many places as possible into 25 days, while still allowing for enjoyment of the place, so no less than 3 days in each places, including travel days – at the moment – but that doesn’t really mean many places and there are some places that I would like to spend more time in and what not. You know really get to soak them up and all that jazz, not just a whistle stop tour of the vicinity.

I’ve wanted to go to Venice for a while now, but I’m leaving that one of the back burning, because I think it would be nice to go with just one or two people or perhaps just by myself, not with a bunch of friends.

Quotes/sayings of the day:

Let us step into the night and pursue that flighty temptress, adventure. – J.K. Rowling

An adventure is only an inconvenience rightly considered. An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered. – G.K. Chesterton

Jumping over steps to reach the surprise…

So I’ve started step 4 of my master plan to make this year amazing.

Although so that fact means little to nothing to anyone that doesn’t know what step 1-4 actually are and don’t think because I’ve started step 4 that I’ve completed step 1-3 because I haven’t. I’ve started them as well, but it’s not one of those plans where you have to complete one step to move on to the next. Maybe I shouldn’t call them steps, but something else.

Whatever, then though I’ve started step 4 I’ve started to have doubts about whether or not I can actually accomplish my goal, but I’m still going to try, there’s some significant days in February that will be the tipping point as to whether or not I actually feel those  doubts are founded or not. So I’ve got some waiting to do and although I wish I was – sometimes – I’m not particularly a patient person, I suppose I’m more of an immediate gratification sort of person.

So I’ve been trying to carry out my master plan, without my friends knowing what I’m doing, but I’m not sure how well that’s going, since I need information from them and I’ve been trying to… extract it from them without causing too much suspicion. It would be nice to keep the whole thing a surprise right up until the actual ‘event’ but I don’t think that’s possible, but I might be able to do it, or it might just cause me extra unwanted stress. But for now, every things very hush hush. Although I do think they think something up, with me suddenly asking all these slightly odd questions and all that jazz.

And one of them did jokingly hit the nail on the head, but I don’t think they really believe or anything and were just messing around – hopefully.

I heard this again. It’s been a while since I’ve heard it and thought I’d share the experience.

Quote/saying of the day: Surprises are better than promises – Unknown.

An explosion of Wanderlust that lives with Procrastination…

I’m freaking out right now, I’ve got an exam Thursday and I know nothing. I’m not exaggerating here, I mean nothing. Maybe I could dig into the black pit of my memory and pass the multiple choice part of the exam – crapping by – but I cannot write an essay and I’m not good at exams in general.

But I’ve got no one to blame but myself and my stupidity and determination, but if I pass all of my other assignments and the next two exams, then it might not matter, or I might just have to retake, although I have a strong disliking of retaking – maybe it’s because I have the stupidest hard-wired brain, but whatever. I wish I could just dedicate my life to fictional writing and not have to get a ‘real’ job, but I’ve not got the confidence or the skills to do that, so exam stress it is. I mean this is university, big stuff, can’t blag your way through this one, I’m not even sure how I got in, but now I’ve got to stay in, because I cannot redo this year and I can’t fail, because I have no plan, which means I’ll just go home and bum around until the father screams at me for doing nothing with my life.

I’ve heard the speech he gave my brother, I don’t need to hear it again, not that he would really be disappointed, because I don’t think he really expects much from me, even though the I’m the youngest of his children to actually go to University, nearly was going to be the only one, until the older brother decided he wanted to take part time courses or something.

But as I told my friend this is the first year, it can’t be that hard, right?

God I wish it was summer already I had finished my exams and was off for my summer break. I’ve got big plans for this summer, big and possible out of my ‘league’ plans, but I’m going to try and make it happen, so hopefully because I really want it the whole universe will conspire to help me get it, since that’s what’s meant to happen according to certain people. But don’t worry, I’m not leaving it to the universe completely, just a little bit here and there. Plus if it works out this could be a great summer vacation. I want to have another summer fling this year. I say nothing but last year it wasn’t really a proper summer fling.

Speaking of fling, I’ve managed to fling Mr G. I hope. I haven’t gotten a text from him in a while and despite my worries he hasn’t gone to stalker levels – yet! I’m hoping that his clingy nature was just exaggerated via text and he’s not really that clingy, because if he is, I’m thinking I’ll be hearing from he soon. But I’m glade it flung him, because he wasn’t exactly good for me or anything and now I can think about getting into a relationship if I want to and I’m not sure if I want to, I think I’ve got too much of a stereotypical ‘guy’ perspective on relationships now. Honestly that’s not all my fault, a string of bad relationships and growing up in a house with really only males can do that to you, or turn you into a super slut, not that I don’t like to think I have a little of both in me.

Any ways moving on, I’ve always wanted to travel and I think it would be fun to travel with friends, since I’m all shy and sometimes antisocial and whatnot, plus one of my friends can speak Spanish, which could come in handy and all that jazz. So this summer I want to give in to my traveller spirit and go abroad, but right now all I’ve got is a plan and hope. There’s a lot to plan and do before I get anywhere and a lot to save, since I’ve a poor student and most of friends are also poor students that means I don’t really have the money to go abroad, but I’ve got a plan to get it and enough to get my friends with me, not sure how much I can make, so I’m not sure who I’ll be able to invite, so I made a list and decided who I would rather going on holiday abroad with and then depending how things pan out I’ll go from there and all that jazz.

I’m going to try and make the swimsuit or rather finish the swimsuit I started way too late last year.

Quote/saying of the day/week: We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie. – David Mamet.

To being self-centric… and not suicidal

So Christmas is over and we’re into a new year.

Usually when I enter into a new year, I get this impending sense of – for lack of a better word – doom. Like I haven’t done what I should/could/wanted to do that past year and so my life is going to be a disaster. But this year not so much, maybe because I started university, so that’s a major step towards something… or maybe because I started being me. Alright that might sound weird or whatever, but honest for about 7-9 years of my life, I have tried to be someone other than myself. There wasn’t really someone in particular that I wanted to be, I just didn’t want to be me, honestly that’s where the suicidal tendencies stem from, I think. Although I sort of still have an odd suicidal moment, so there’s probably more to that. If I continued going to therapy and stopped lying to my therapist, I think I’d probably find out what all that’s about, but I’ve be analysing myself since I was about 6 or maybe 7 – I’m not very good with time, or dates or anything or that sort, I think that’s why I find it so easy to get lost down the rabbit hole, as some people refer to it as.

Buy honestly I don’t want to die, actually I want to live forever and I do sometimes tell people that, at which point they either laugh or give me ‘I think you’re completely insane’ look, but I’m ok with that, because one way or another I’m going to live forever.

But yeah… onwards. So this year I haven’t really made new years resolutions, because well I never keep to them and for the past 10+ years my resolution has been the same thing ‘finish a novel’, but I’m still trying for that, when it will happen? who knows! and who cares, I’m trying and that’s not something I do all that often, not really.

I mean it’s a whole evolved defence mechanism and it’s the reason I’m not in a relationship and I’ve never had one that lasted longer than a month – I think, maybe shorter – and also I’m cruel, so there’s that.

So I got what I wanted for Christmas. I think as people get older, they stop thinking that Christmas is such a big deal and stop wanting things or rather asking for things for the occasion, which is part of the reason why I got my brother a box of sweets for Christmas, because I didn’t want to just give him money and all that jazz.

But any ways I keep side tracking as per usual. So this year I want to be more me and I want to have a good time, which includes going on holiday this summer or at least to the seaside a bunch. Last year me and some friends decided we were going to make going to Cornwall a yearly holiday for us, to keep the group together and all that, not that we really need it it seems. But since no one can drive, because our usual driving got into an accident, she can’t afford the insurance and none of the rest of us can drive, two of the group are learn and the other can’t because she has/had epilepsy and you’re not allowed to drive on the meds she was taking and all that jazz and I don’t drive, because… well because of personal reasons. So Cornwall seems to be off the list, due to the fact we would have to take the train down and then find a way to get to the camp site and apparently there isn’t any buses around there, or something. I want to go to a different country, but one of the group is a super home buddy. Honestly she doesn’t want to go anywhere or meet anyone new, she refused to let my friend come to her party because she was going to bring her new boyfriend, she just didn’t want to meet anyone new – this just doesn’t make much sense to me. I’m trying not to be super judgemental or anything, but I like meeting new people and seeing new places, even if it sometimes scares the shit out of me. The we’re all a little short on cash, so I don’t think they’ll want to leave the country or anything like that

So over Christmas I found out that one of my friends has dropped out of university, because she couldn’t handle being away from home – she has some pretty bad anxiety problems. So she’s back home and is thinking of doing a horse care course, or something like that.

See for me being here and being at home weren’t that different when I came, apart from I had to deal with my own finances, as I had to do my own shopping  and what not. That sounds like I’m fishing for sympathy  and maybe on some level I am. I mean my father doesn’t like me as much as my brothers, probably because he doesn’t know how to handle me, since I’m a girl and all that jazz, but he still loves me. So I’m not really fishing, I’m telling the truth here, it’s like if I told someone that, I think it would be a – as my friend like to say – ‘woe is me’ story, but it’s not. I mean my father worked away from home, so he stayed with his girlfriend and I stayed at home alone, hence the lack of difference between here and home, I mean there actually are people living in this house, so that’ different, but not family members. I guess if I had been closer with my family, I a more dependent sort of way, then I would be pretty home sick and all that.

Any ways more swiftly on. I got this book called ‘The wisdom of psychopaths’ for Christmas and after beginning to read it, I’m finding it really interesting. I mean I’m already weirdly hooked on psychopaths and others, hence the psychology degree – although I’m not sure if that’s the best reasons to be trying to become a psychologist. But in this book it states that depression, on a short term basis at least, is actually good for you, because people who are depressed are more focused, or something to that affect, although I think on a long term basis depression isn’t good for you and I don’t think I was more focus when I was depressed, but maybe I just didn’t notice, or maybe that was because of the lack of sleep and food. I don’t think I really want to find out.

But as they say new year new me, but since this coming week is a revision week for me, I’m thinking I won’t bother going to be lectures, but I might go to Monday ones and see what they’re like, because apparently I only have one Exam this time, so I don’t see why I should have to go to the other lectures, when I could be revision for my exam, also I haven’t done my coursework, which is due Monday – classic me – so I might have to skip my first Monday lecture to finish that, because I’m probably going to end up writing it all tomorrow, because I feel completely out of whack today – that’s really just an excuse not to do any work.

So I decided I am going to try and enter some writing competitions this year, starting with the writers Forum – magazine – writing competitions, but that means putting money on my printing card thing, because I told the father that I won’t need the printer he wanted to give me, because we just had to hand things in online – didn’t think about hard copy writing competitions, you see you have to be a subscriber to enter online and I don’t have the money to become a subscriber, which reminds me, I have to join the BPS – British Psychological Society – you have to be a member to practice – apparently – and it’s cheaper to join now, rather than later.

So this is my new years-ish, post – I know I know, but what the heck, I’ve got time.

I heard this the other day and although it stalker-ish, I sort of like it, but it’s not my new year song.