As I swing from side to side…

Just another week or 2 in the life of the average University student and the horror of Christmas… Continue reading

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To being self-centric… and not suicidal

So Christmas is over and we’re into a new year.

Usually when I enter into a new year, I get this impending sense of – for lack of a better word – doom. Like I haven’t done what I should/could/wanted to do that past year and so my life is going to be a disaster. But this year not so much, maybe because I started university, so that’s a major step towards something… or maybe because I started being me. Alright that might sound weird or whatever, but honest for about 7-9 years of my life, I have tried to be someone other than myself. There wasn’t really someone in particular that I wanted to be, I just didn’t want to be me, honestly that’s where the suicidal tendencies stem from, I think. Although I sort of still have an odd suicidal moment, so there’s probably more to that. If I continued going to therapy and stopped lying to my therapist, I think I’d probably find out what all that’s about, but I’ve be analysing myself since I was about 6 or maybe 7 – I’m not very good with time, or dates or anything or that sort, I think that’s why I find it so easy to get lost down the rabbit hole, as some people refer to it as.

Buy honestly I don’t want to die, actually I want to live forever and I do sometimes tell people that, at which point they either laugh or give me ‘I think you’re completely insane’ look, but I’m ok with that, because one way or another I’m going to live forever.

But yeah… onwards. So this year I haven’t really made new years resolutions, because well I never keep to them and for the past 10+ years my resolution has been the same thing ‘finish a novel’, but I’m still trying for that, when it will happen? who knows! and who cares, I’m trying and that’s not something I do all that often, not really.

I mean it’s a whole evolved defence mechanism and it’s the reason I’m not in a relationship and I’ve never had one that lasted longer than a month – I think, maybe shorter – and also I’m cruel, so there’s that.

So I got what I wanted for Christmas. I think as people get older, they stop thinking that Christmas is such a big deal and stop wanting things or rather asking for things for the occasion, which is part of the reason why I got my brother a box of sweets for Christmas, because I didn’t want to just give him money and all that jazz.

But any ways I keep side tracking as per usual. So this year I want to be more me and I want to have a good time, which includes going on holiday this summer or at least to the seaside a bunch. Last year me and some friends decided we were going to make going to Cornwall a yearly holiday for us, to keep the group together and all that, not that we really need it it seems. But since no one can drive, because our usual driving got into an accident, she can’t afford the insurance and none of the rest of us can drive, two of the group are learn and the other can’t because she has/had epilepsy and you’re not allowed to drive on the meds she was taking and all that jazz and I don’t drive, because… well because of personal reasons. So Cornwall seems to be off the list, due to the fact we would have to take the train down and then find a way to get to the camp site and apparently there isn’t any buses around there, or something. I want to go to a different country, but one of the group is a super home buddy. Honestly she doesn’t want to go anywhere or meet anyone new, she refused to let my friend come to her party because she was going to bring her new boyfriend, she just didn’t want to meet anyone new – this just doesn’t make much sense to me. I’m trying not to be super judgemental or anything, but I like meeting new people and seeing new places, even if it sometimes scares the shit out of me. The we’re all a little short on cash, so I don’t think they’ll want to leave the country or anything like that

So over Christmas I found out that one of my friends has dropped out of university, because she couldn’t handle being away from home – she has some pretty bad anxiety problems. So she’s back home and is thinking of doing a horse care course, or something like that.

See for me being here and being at home weren’t that different when I came, apart from I had to deal with my own finances, as I had to do my own shopping  and what not. That sounds like I’m fishing for sympathy  and maybe on some level I am. I mean my father doesn’t like me as much as my brothers, probably because he doesn’t know how to handle me, since I’m a girl and all that jazz, but he still loves me. So I’m not really fishing, I’m telling the truth here, it’s like if I told someone that, I think it would be a – as my friend like to say – ‘woe is me’ story, but it’s not. I mean my father worked away from home, so he stayed with his girlfriend and I stayed at home alone, hence the lack of difference between here and home, I mean there actually are people living in this house, so that’ different, but not family members. I guess if I had been closer with my family, I a more dependent sort of way, then I would be pretty home sick and all that.

Any ways more swiftly on. I got this book called ‘The wisdom of psychopaths’ for Christmas and after beginning to read it, I’m finding it really interesting. I mean I’m already weirdly hooked on psychopaths and others, hence the psychology degree – although I’m not sure if that’s the best reasons to be trying to become a psychologist. But in this book it states that depression, on a short term basis at least, is actually good for you, because people who are depressed are more focused, or something to that affect, although I think on a long term basis depression isn’t good for you and I don’t think I was more focus when I was depressed, but maybe I just didn’t notice, or maybe that was because of the lack of sleep and food. I don’t think I really want to find out.

But as they say new year new me, but since this coming week is a revision week for me, I’m thinking I won’t bother going to be lectures, but I might go to Monday ones and see what they’re like, because apparently I only have one Exam this time, so I don’t see why I should have to go to the other lectures, when I could be revision for my exam, also I haven’t done my coursework, which is due Monday – classic me – so I might have to skip my first Monday lecture to finish that, because I’m probably going to end up writing it all tomorrow, because I feel completely out of whack today – that’s really just an excuse not to do any work.

So I decided I am going to try and enter some writing competitions this year, starting with the writers Forum – magazine – writing competitions, but that means putting money on my printing card thing, because I told the father that I won’t need the printer he wanted to give me, because we just had to hand things in online – didn’t think about hard copy writing competitions, you see you have to be a subscriber to enter online and I don’t have the money to become a subscriber, which reminds me, I have to join the BPS – British Psychological Society – you have to be a member to practice – apparently – and it’s cheaper to join now, rather than later.

So this is my new years-ish, post – I know I know, but what the heck, I’ve got time.

I heard this the other day and although it stalker-ish, I sort of like it, but it’s not my new year song.

 

Letting the new year in with the promise of fulfilled dreams

So I went to my cousins for the new year, hence my lack of a new years post, there was a lot of fireworks, although not all of them our own and some sparklers and it was all very fun and nice and I’m glade I went. I think I just got myself in a funk over actually achieving my life’s dream, as this is something that I have wanted to do since, well since I started writing so at the very least 13 years, sure that’s not the longest of time, but thinking about the amount of times that I could have died then it’s actually quite some time – sorry for the morbidity and all that jazz.

We went out for a meal at this restaurant near there house, because unlike me they live in the city and live a stones throw away from places to eat and drink. Although being with the family did mean that I had to pass up on the cute guy that I met, it can be nice to just dress up for the sack of dressing up, not that I really did dress up. I wouldn’t call shorts and a top that I had just spent the journey there in dressing up, it was more of a casual look for the evening and honest I would have looked completely out of place next to the others and since I wasn’t feeling like standing out, especially as the last time I went to stay with my cousin people thought I was in the local gang, I think blending was best, at least for the night. But I got my Christmas present and gave them theirs, although unluckily I got two of the same thing, but I didn’t tell them that, and I think I might be able to get a good price for it, so yay me. And this morning I got a bit of writing done, although inspiration wasn’t really floating around their place, to be honest it’s a bit of cesspool for sucking inspiration inside their place, maybe it’s just because I’m at odd with my aunt’s decorating style or something, but I really was getting blocked, even with spending half the night before lying awake thinking about the plot – my cousin snores, loudly.We headed into town on new years day, even with the horrible weather, it wouldn’t have been so bad if it had just stopped raining or the wind had stopped, either one, but no they persisted and most of the shops were shut or closing down, because the streets gave you the impression of a zombie apocalypse that we just didn’t seem to know about, but I did get some things from Top Shop. A shop that I don’t frequent, because of it’s outrageous prices, but in the sale, things looked brighter and I got myself these really cute play suit, that is made to look like a jacket. I’ve been looking for a jacket dress for a while, but this play suit will pull me over until I find the real thing. I also got this pair of red shorts with Ying Yang symbols on them and I shoulder-less top that I am in the process of remaking into a ‘pick up line’ top, as I’m going to paint ‘I lost my teddy bear, will you sleep with me?’ across it. I’m still sort of in love with tops with writing on them and they have proven to work for me, so why give up a good thing? It’s not hurting anyone!

So yeah over all the whole trip wasn’t as soul sucking as I thought it could become, although I did become a bit of a bitch – in my head – by the end of it, because I am now very hormonal, horny and irrational. A combination that I think quite a few woman will be able to understand every 28 days or so. For those of you that are oblivious to what I am talking about, it’s my time of the month and what I lovely time it is. I hate getting annoyed at every little thing, but everything just seems to annoy me and I’m not sure why it has to be this way, but it is. Can’t fight fate and all that jazz, although we do try our hardest.

So moving on before I get too personal. I’m heading round to a friends house tomorrow and I’m not too sure how things are going to go. It could be absolutely great, which is what I’m hoping for. Or it could be a blood bath, but with the intervention of one of our mutual friends, who is quite a bit younger than us, I’m hoping everyone will keep things PG or something like that.

So I’ve decided to stop being a good girl and start dating again. I’m bored with being single, but I’m going to take it slow and not rush into things – is what I say now. I don’t want to hurt anyone, but me being completely bored the way I am can lead to someone getting hurt and me getting hurt, so I’m being completely selfish and putting myself before others – alright I’m only bored in the love department not the rest of my life really. I’m still not too certain about my friend that apparently has a crush on me, but since he hasn’t contacted me in about 2 weeks I have a feeling that his feelings aren’t that strong or that he’s over me – I say hopefully, not that he’s not a great guy, but I think I might break him. And with him out of the picture I feel free to date and be happy about it and not like I’m flaunting my lovers in his face or something, not that he’s ever met one of them. That’s another things I’ve been meaning to change about my way and will probably do in the coming year. Actually let my friends meet my guys. Before this point I’ve actually sometimes gone out of my way to make sure that my friends don’t meet them. At least some of my friends. If they already know the guy then there’s no helping it, but the friends that I hang out with most of the time these days have never met one and I made sure of it. But I’m going to change that. The next guy I get ‘serious’ with I’m going to introduce them to – I say now, but probably won’t end up doing. But then I don’t really get super serious with anyone. I mean I’ve never even been in love with anyone and that’s getting serious. I can’t say for certain, but I don’t think anyone has ever been in love with me either, so I suppose it’s fine. I mean no one has ever said that they love me, when their not intoxicated that is. I’ve had many ‘I love you’s from intoxicated people. I think it’s just one of those things that people say when they’re in that state, I mean I think I’ve said it once or twice.

So as to not leave that dangling out there, I think I might already have someone on my radar – I really couldn’t think of a better way to say that, hence the creation of the ‘pick up line’ top. But whether or not he’ll take the bait is something else entirely, because I’m not going to take the direction full frontal approach to this, although new aspect to this years me, less direction in the love life situation, at least while I’m still taking it slow, being indirect, will diffidently slow things down.

I’m still planning for my birthday and I’m not sure if the others want to do with joint thing, but if they don’t then I have an idea of what I might do and if they do then I have an idea about we could do. So basically I have idea about how I want to celebrate my birthday this year, also I’ve been helping my father work out how he wants to celebrate his birthday this year, because it’s a big one and some people would say the half way point others would say one foot in the grave, but I think I’m going for the first one, I’m hoping my father will live for a many more years.

I’m leaving you all…

I’m leaving.

Not today and maybe not this weekend, but in the near future. I’m going. Maybe over the new year. New year, new me, sort of thing. But whenever I finally pluck up the courage to go, I want to be ready, so I’m starting my research now. I want it to be some place beautiful and even though I won’t be staying long I want it to inspire me. I’ve been feeling slightly grey lately and that is one of my worse feelings. It’s like there’s something blocking what usually makes me tick… or something like that. I want to find my creativity and again and get back to that, because I don’t want to miss the days when I could and look back on them during the days when I can’t.

Life is short when you’re young, but I’m old enough to realise that we don’t have enough time to do everything we want to, if we just sit back and wait for it to come to us. We have to stand up and run to it.

Maybe it’s because lately I’ve been thinking more and more about my future and dreading not achieving the things I dream of doing. I’m don’t think that I can do the things I want to do and no matter how many back up plans I make I still feel insecure in my choices and the path I have chosen to take. I want to believe in myself, but all the signs around me are point me off of the path I want to go down. I want to be happy, just like any other person. But I also want to live forever, just like any other person as well and since I’m not sure in my ability I don’t think this is going to happen. And when I say ‘live forever’ I don’t mean in the way that most people think. I don’t mean like… a vampire or something immortal like that. I want to be immortal like well… Hitler, but not for the reasons that he is. Maybe Shakespeare would be a better example, since I want to write.

I want to inspire people and help them and give people a reason to carry on. Take the weight off of their shoulders and be the one that makes them feel like, maybe everything is actually going to be alright.

I want to travel the world and see all the beautiful thing and eat exotic food and laugh and sing strange songs. I want to wander aimlessly, but be carefree about it and not worry about things like ‘how I’m going to get home’ or ‘how I’m going to afford to eat that day’ or ‘where I’m going to sleep’.

I want to live my life as fully as possible, but I know that I’m holding myself back, by worrying. Although maybe that’s a good thing, I would probably be dead by now, if I wasn’t a person that worried so much.