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To being self-centric… and not suicidal

So Christmas is over and we’re into a new year.

Usually when I enter into a new year, I get this impending sense of – for lack of a better word – doom. Like I haven’t done what I should/could/wanted to do that past year and so my life is going to be a disaster. But this year not so much, maybe because I started university, so that’s a major step towards something… or maybe because I started being me. Alright that might sound weird or whatever, but honest for about 7-9 years of my life, I have tried to be someone other than myself. There wasn’t really someone in particular that I wanted to be, I just didn’t want to be me, honestly that’s where the suicidal tendencies stem from, I think. Although I sort of still have an odd suicidal moment, so there’s probably more to that. If I continued going to therapy and stopped lying to my therapist, I think I’d probably find out what all that’s about, but I’ve be analysing myself since I was about 6 or maybe 7 – I’m not very good with time, or dates or anything or that sort, I think that’s why I find it so easy to get lost down the rabbit hole, as some people refer to it as.

Buy honestly I don’t want to die, actually I want to live forever and I do sometimes tell people that, at which point they either laugh or give me ‘I think you’re completely insane’ look, but I’m ok with that, because one way or another I’m going to live forever.

But yeah… onwards. So this year I haven’t really made new years resolutions, because well I never keep to them and for the past 10+ years my resolution has been the same thing ‘finish a novel’, but I’m still trying for that, when it will happen? who knows! and who cares, I’m trying and that’s not something I do all that often, not really.

I mean it’s a whole evolved defence mechanism and it’s the reason I’m not in a relationship and I’ve never had one that lasted longer than a month – I think, maybe shorter – and also I’m cruel, so there’s that.

So I got what I wanted for Christmas. I think as people get older, they stop thinking that Christmas is such a big deal and stop wanting things or rather asking for things for the occasion, which is part of the reason why I got my brother a box of sweets for Christmas, because I didn’t want to just give him money and all that jazz.

But any ways I keep side tracking as per usual. So this year I want to be more me and I want to have a good time, which includes going on holiday this summer or at least to the seaside a bunch. Last year me and some friends decided we were going to make going to Cornwall a yearly holiday for us, to keep the group together and all that, not that we really need it it seems. But since no one can drive, because our usual driving got into an accident, she can’t afford the insurance and none of the rest of us can drive, two of the group are learn and the other can’t because she has/had epilepsy and you’re not allowed to drive on the meds she was taking and all that jazz and I don’t drive, because… well because of personal reasons. So Cornwall seems to be off the list, due to the fact we would have to take the train down and then find a way to get to the camp site and apparently there isn’t any buses around there, or something. I want to go to a different country, but one of the group is a super home buddy. Honestly she doesn’t want to go anywhere or meet anyone new, she refused to let my friend come to her party because she was going to bring her new boyfriend, she just didn’t want to meet anyone new – this just doesn’t make much sense to me. I’m trying not to be super judgemental or anything, but I like meeting new people and seeing new places, even if it sometimes scares the shit out of me. The we’re all a little short on cash, so I don’t think they’ll want to leave the country or anything like that

So over Christmas I found out that one of my friends has dropped out of university, because she couldn’t handle being away from home – she has some pretty bad anxiety problems. So she’s back home and is thinking of doing a horse care course, or something like that.

See for me being here and being at home weren’t that different when I came, apart from I had to deal with my own finances, as I had to do my own shopping  and what not. That sounds like I’m fishing for sympathy  and maybe on some level I am. I mean my father doesn’t like me as much as my brothers, probably because he doesn’t know how to handle me, since I’m a girl and all that jazz, but he still loves me. So I’m not really fishing, I’m telling the truth here, it’s like if I told someone that, I think it would be a – as my friend like to say – ‘woe is me’ story, but it’s not. I mean my father worked away from home, so he stayed with his girlfriend and I stayed at home alone, hence the lack of difference between here and home, I mean there actually are people living in this house, so that’ different, but not family members. I guess if I had been closer with my family, I a more dependent sort of way, then I would be pretty home sick and all that.

Any ways more swiftly on. I got this book called ‘The wisdom of psychopaths’ for Christmas and after beginning to read it, I’m finding it really interesting. I mean I’m already weirdly hooked on psychopaths and others, hence the psychology degree – although I’m not sure if that’s the best reasons to be trying to become a psychologist. But in this book it states that depression, on a short term basis at least, is actually good for you, because people who are depressed are more focused, or something to that affect, although I think on a long term basis depression isn’t good for you and I don’t think I was more focus when I was depressed, but maybe I just didn’t notice, or maybe that was because of the lack of sleep and food. I don’t think I really want to find out.

But as they say new year new me, but since this coming week is a revision week for me, I’m thinking I won’t bother going to be lectures, but I might go to Monday ones and see what they’re like, because apparently I only have one Exam this time, so I don’t see why I should have to go to the other lectures, when I could be revision for my exam, also I haven’t done my coursework, which is due Monday – classic me – so I might have to skip my first Monday lecture to finish that, because I’m probably going to end up writing it all tomorrow, because I feel completely out of whack today – that’s really just an excuse not to do any work.

So I decided I am going to try and enter some writing competitions this year, starting with the writers Forum – magazine – writing competitions, but that means putting money on my printing card thing, because I told the father that I won’t need the printer he wanted to give me, because we just had to hand things in online – didn’t think about hard copy writing competitions, you see you have to be a subscriber to enter online and I don’t have the money to become a subscriber, which reminds me, I have to join the BPS – British Psychological Society – you have to be a member to practice – apparently – and it’s cheaper to join now, rather than later.

So this is my new years-ish, post – I know I know, but what the heck, I’ve got time.

I heard this the other day and although it stalker-ish, I sort of like it, but it’s not my new year song.

 

If you wish hard enough and then throw it to the sky?

Remember remember the fifth of November the gunpowder, treason and plot. I see no reason why the gunpowder treason should ever be forgot. Sorry I know it’s no longer the fifth, but I just had to put that in there, but onto the really post

I’ve been thinking more and more lately, that I want to be in a relationship and then today I court myself wandering about falling in love. I know that thinking about love and relationships is stereotypically normal for a girl, maybe even more for one my age, but I haven’t really wanted to be in a relationship since the start of college maybe even longer than that. It’s sort of a foreign concept at the moment.

But then I find myself thinking it would be nice, perhaps just a open one then, because I’m not really good with the whole being faithful thing it would seem, but then maybe if I ever fall in love I will be and maybe I’ll actually be possessive. I can be possessive, but only up until the point which I actually have something to be jealous about the then just puff, that feeling is gone and I’m sort of bored with the whole thing and I tend not to want to continue with something that bores me, unless it will be rewarding in the end, such as going to college in the first place, don’t get the wrong there, there were some good times and good friends and all that jazz.

So I’ve got the week off for what they call reading week, it’s basically half term a week too late. But I have bought some textbooks and I’ve written an essay on applied psychology, which means I have read some books, although one of the ones I got was useless, although I think it might be useful later – yay for the long hall.

But instead of sticking around here and bumming around the house and what not, because quite a few of my friend are doing the same course as me and were leaving as well, I went home for what was meant to be a long weekend and turned into about a working week long. But it was nice to see the family, well the father, his girlfriend and the big brother, who is now driving and has got himself a car with all that money that he never spends – damn people who can resist temptation, I wish I was one and then at the same time I don’t. So I met up with a friend and we went shopping, not exactly the wild homecoming one might like, but it was nice and I did go out for Halloween. I went over to a friends house, then went to another house and played drinking games with a bunch of strangers and some people I have probably only met once, but it was funny as they get mashed pretty quickly, well one of them did. Although  I wasn’t drinking myself, because I was going home the next day and had to get up to catch the train.

So while at home, I somehow managed to watch all 3 series of Miranda and now am wishing there was another series – oh the sadness of the loss of funniness. It was nice to find something to really laugh at, because some comedies aren’t really laugh out loud comedies, there funny sure, just not laugh out loud funny and then I found the IT crowd and have indulged in that since I got back, to what I was calling home when I was back with the family, as I sort of have 2 homes at the moment, I suppose.

And tomorrow I’ll be off to London. I am doing a bit to travelling this week. Me and some gal pals are going to the Hunger games premier, but I’m going down a day early and are going to go and see my friends or at least one of them and stay here a night – such fun!

Although why do they make the London underground look so complicated and what the hell is with the oyster card thing? I’m sure there’s a good reason for it, but it does seem like I’m going to have to deal with a more than necessary, so because I was basically crying over the tube map I found, my friend has offered to meet me at Waterloo station. Even after getting the father to try and explain the map to me, I still don’t think I understand it, but I have been assured that it is actually much more easy then it looks – I don’t think it could possibly be harder than it looks, as to me it looks like a circuit board more than anything. I don’t like travelling on train and the underground look ten times harder than that.

I had to do 2 changes on the train I took home and it cost a fortune, annoying as hell. Fortunately I did alright, although on the way back I couldn’t find the stairs to the get to the platform I needed to be on and ended up walking to the wrong end of the platform I was on and missed my train, fortunately I did write down the times for the next train, so I just had to sit and wait an extra hour for the next train and then the next one was about 20 minuets late, making me think I might have missed that one as well, and then because I was an hour later than I had expected I, I had to sit and freeze at the bus stop for 40 minuets and the bus was full, so I didn’t get a seat for most of the ride, thankfully I put my bag in the rack, so I didn’t have to hold onto that.

I have made the father promise to come pick me up for Christmas, as I want to bring back stuff to wash, because I don’t want to have to spend the money on the washing machines, although I do have some washing I need to do and I need to get my shoes out from in the airing cupboard .

I’m also thinking about dumping Mr G, although I don’t think dumping is the right word. But then I want to find a new fb, before I do that. He’s just sort of been bugging me a little recently, although we haven’t seen each other for about 3 weeks now. I might wait and give it some time and see, but that’s the way that is heading right now.

Any ways only 6 weeks until I go on Christmas break, well maybe only 5 really now – yay! Although I thought I got a month off, but I don’t, I get a week shy of a month, but I’m still looking forward to it, because my friend has promised there will be lots of partying and that she invite me too all the parties she gets invited to, which is wonderful for me, because she has some ‘good’ friends and I’ll get to see the first again – oh it’ll be a lovely reunion I’m sure, he might have broken it off with the girl he is cheating on by then. Although one of the brother’s can’t get Christmas off of work, so he won’t be around this years, which will be the first year we haven’t had all the family together for Christmas, that being myself, the father and the two brothers. A small family, but still, although this year the other brother might bring his girlfriend along and the fathers girlfriend will probably be with us, like last year, so it won’t be like there won’t be people around and all that jazz. Plus he said that he’ll be around for New years, although I don’t know if I will be, new years if a great excuse for a party. I say I’m not really a party animal, but that doesn’t mean I don’t like it. Although I’m trying to persuade one of my new friends it isn’t weird to go out just the two of us, maybe she feels weird because I’m bi, but she’s not really my type or anything, so I would have to be quite drunk and lonely for me to make a pass at her. not to say that she ugly or something. Just I’m picky when it comes to girls and really not very picky with guys, as long as they are 30 or under and 18 or above then I’m fine really.

So I’ve been reading the Picture of Dorian Grey again. I think I have started this book at least 3 times before, but this is the first time I think I might finish it, as I’m on the second to last chapter and am going to read some on the train ride to London, if I don’t finish it before then. I adore this book and after starting to read it the first time, I did watch the film, but honest I think the film does have it’s good point and everything, but with most adaptations the original is better. But I think they did quite a decent job with the film. Although that does mean that I know what happens or at least I think I know what happens in the end, which does sort of spoil it, but I’m still going to read those last two chapters, then I can ,move on to this new series I’ve found; The house of night. It’s another vampire series, but it seems like it could be good and I might ask for the next book in the series for Christmas along with a bunch of other things. I’ve been compiling a mental list of things that I want, although as per usual I’m not expecting to get half them, as it’s more a list of things I can’t really afford to buy myself at the moment and all that jazz. which means that they’re all quite expensive, such as this game that I want for my 3DS or at least I think it’s for the 3DS, most DS related games are now or that flat one, that I despised the idea of – I just didn’t get it.

I love the look of the cute animation for a start!

Any ways I could probably go on and on about games the what not, although recently I haven’t really been playing any, mainly because I don’t have the money to buy new ones and I tend to get a little sunk, when I play online ones and when I finally surface it’ll usually some god forsaken hour and I have to get up at 7:30 the next day, so I’ve not really been playing many recently, but just talking about it here, makes me want to – oh damn. But I’m going away tomorrow, so got to get a nights sleep tonight, although this time I don’t have to get up early and I’m only taking the one bag, tried to pack as lightly has possible, but I think I could have gone lighter, I’m not really the best packer to be honest, I tend to want to take everything, for jics – just in case situations.

Quote/saying of the day: How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being. – Oscar Wilde.

How indeed?

Not that I purely agreed with the ideas on woman that Oscar Wilde displays in this book, but I do like this quote.

Something to weigh when losing inspiration

So I’m off to see my cousins tomorrow and although I get along great with them and it’s good to see them and all. I’m not looking forward to going. I don’t want to go. I’m on the edge of a new idea and I feel like if I leave it now, when I come back to it, I’m not going to like it any more and not be able to do it justice. Right now I have everything working overtime to try and work out the plot and a new environment and stimulus is exactly what I don’t need. I suppose the people around me – i.e. my family – don’t get that this is important to me and so think my reasons are trivial and unreasonable and what not, but this is important to me and right now I’m considering pulling an all nighter to try and get at least a little of it done, but I think I won’t do very well, because I’m quite tired now and I think it’ll probably turn out horrible, because half my mind will be on tomorrows events and what not and not the thing at hand. I want this one to be good, no great. I want it to be my first – novel – masterpiece, in a long line of them, but if that will actually happen, well I’ll just have to wait and see.

But I’m meant to be packing right now and I’m putting it off, because I don’t want to pack, due to the fact that I don’t want to go, but I know that my family will just guilt trip me into going in the end and I will feel bad if I don’t go and see them, since I only really get to see them once and year at this time of year. I suppose I really should be less selfish and just go.

But I said I was going to be a bit more selfish. I want to achieve my goals and I won’t be able to do that if I spend all my time thinking about others feelings and wants, need and desires. Although I still find myself weighing these things up when I make decisions these days.

I don’t know I’ll probably feel horrible the entire time there, because I’m missing this chance, but I’ll probably feel horrible if I don’t go, because I’m missing the chance to see everyone. Plus I’ll probably end up spending new years alone, if I don’t go and that’s just depressing.