Post me my lucky co-operation style…

So sometimes I think I’m too ambitious and then other times I feel like I don’t have enough ambition. But then maybe I’m just too ambitious in certain aspects of my life and not enough in others. Although it would be nice to sit somewhere in the middle, since that’s where I like to take up residence.

So my master plan is coming along smoothly so far, but I see some bumps in the road ahead, such as lack of co-operation from my friends, because I’m keeping them in the dark and all that jazz. Also lack of finances, but I’m sort of leaving that up to the universe and if it does actually work the way I’m very much hoping it tends to work, then that should be just dandy.

Speaking of finances, I’ve entered into the postcode lottery, mainly because I don’t have to pay for it and I’m probably the only person around here – with my postcode – that has entered, I need as much money as I can get at the moment. Although being the only person with my postcode on there is apparently not that big of an advantage, actually it’s a disadvantage, because my postcode is less likely to be draw, although it does mean if is draw, I get all the money and don’t have to split it. I did think about talking some of neighbouring friends into doing it as well, however I really need and money and am willing to take the chance, plus I’ve got postcodes entered, because I’ve used both my university postcode and my home postcode, although I don’t know how the prize giving works, so if my home one did somehow win the money might be sent there, which could be a problem, since the father would see it and probably give me an ear full about ‘these sorts of sites’ being bad and what not.

He used to play the lottery every week, but I suppose somewhere down the road he gave up and now he only plays it now and then, like at Christmas or if there’s a super big jackpot, times like that.

I won’t say I’m the most unlucky person out there or the most lucky, I think I’m about average-ish, maybe a little below.

So I’ve got an in-class test tomorrow, which I haven’t revised for – oops! But it’s not until the afternoon, so I can get up then I can revise in the morning and what not. Although if this weekend has been any indication, I’m might not even make it to the test, because I’ll still be fast asleep. I’m going to try and go to bed early today – at least earlier than 5 am, which is when I’ve been going to be recently.

On another note; There are so many places I want to visit now, I’ve no idea how I’m going to be able to see them all before I die or get so old that I can’t move anyone or am blind, because I image that I’m going to be one of those old people that getting some sort of horrible disease and is basically bed ridden and not one of those old people that can actually still do things, unlike what most people think old people can and can’t do. But let’s not get into that. I’ve been trying to squeeze as many places as possible into 25 days, while still allowing for enjoyment of the place, so no less than 3 days in each places, including travel days – at the moment – but that doesn’t really mean many places and there are some places that I would like to spend more time in and what not. You know really get to soak them up and all that jazz, not just a whistle stop tour of the vicinity.

I’ve wanted to go to Venice for a while now, but I’m leaving that one of the back burning, because I think it would be nice to go with just one or two people or perhaps just by myself, not with a bunch of friends.

Quotes/sayings of the day:

Let us step into the night and pursue that flighty temptress, adventure. – J.K. Rowling

An adventure is only an inconvenience rightly considered. An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered. – G.K. Chesterton

An explosion of Wanderlust that lives with Procrastination…

I’m freaking out right now, I’ve got an exam Thursday and I know nothing. I’m not exaggerating here, I mean nothing. Maybe I could dig into the black pit of my memory and pass the multiple choice part of the exam – crapping by – but I cannot write an essay and I’m not good at exams in general.

But I’ve got no one to blame but myself and my stupidity and determination, but if I pass all of my other assignments and the next two exams, then it might not matter, or I might just have to retake, although I have a strong disliking of retaking – maybe it’s because I have the stupidest hard-wired brain, but whatever. I wish I could just dedicate my life to fictional writing and not have to get a ‘real’ job, but I’ve not got the confidence or the skills to do that, so exam stress it is. I mean this is university, big stuff, can’t blag your way through this one, I’m not even sure how I got in, but now I’ve got to stay in, because I cannot redo this year and I can’t fail, because I have no plan, which means I’ll just go home and bum around until the father screams at me for doing nothing with my life.

I’ve heard the speech he gave my brother, I don’t need to hear it again, not that he would really be disappointed, because I don’t think he really expects much from me, even though the I’m the youngest of his children to actually go to University, nearly was going to be the only one, until the older brother decided he wanted to take part time courses or something.

But as I told my friend this is the first year, it can’t be that hard, right?

God I wish it was summer already I had finished my exams and was off for my summer break. I’ve got big plans for this summer, big and possible out of my ‘league’ plans, but I’m going to try and make it happen, so hopefully because I really want it the whole universe will conspire to help me get it, since that’s what’s meant to happen according to certain people. But don’t worry, I’m not leaving it to the universe completely, just a little bit here and there. Plus if it works out this could be a great summer vacation. I want to have another summer fling this year. I say nothing but last year it wasn’t really a proper summer fling.

Speaking of fling, I’ve managed to fling Mr G. I hope. I haven’t gotten a text from him in a while and despite my worries he hasn’t gone to stalker levels – yet! I’m hoping that his clingy nature was just exaggerated via text and he’s not really that clingy, because if he is, I’m thinking I’ll be hearing from he soon. But I’m glade it flung him, because he wasn’t exactly good for me or anything and now I can think about getting into a relationship if I want to and I’m not sure if I want to, I think I’ve got too much of a stereotypical ‘guy’ perspective on relationships now. Honestly that’s not all my fault, a string of bad relationships and growing up in a house with really only males can do that to you, or turn you into a super slut, not that I don’t like to think I have a little of both in me.

Any ways moving on, I’ve always wanted to travel and I think it would be fun to travel with friends, since I’m all shy and sometimes antisocial and whatnot, plus one of my friends can speak Spanish, which could come in handy and all that jazz. So this summer I want to give in to my traveller spirit and go abroad, but right now all I’ve got is a plan and hope. There’s a lot to plan and do before I get anywhere and a lot to save, since I’ve a poor student and most of friends are also poor students that means I don’t really have the money to go abroad, but I’ve got a plan to get it and enough to get my friends with me, not sure how much I can make, so I’m not sure who I’ll be able to invite, so I made a list and decided who I would rather going on holiday abroad with and then depending how things pan out I’ll go from there and all that jazz.

I’m going to try and make the swimsuit or rather finish the swimsuit I started way too late last year.

Quote/saying of the day/week: We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie. – David Mamet.

Drag me to the surface…

So it’s been a little while since I last posted. A lot has happened, as even when I don’t bother to post life goes on and all that jazz. I’ve just been going through some stuff, that I couldn’t post about, I tried writing it out a couple times but I just couldn’t, maybe it’s one of my many issues or personality traits that prevented me from venting everything out here, but whatever it was, I didn’t and I’m not going to now. But today was the last straw I feel like I’m… dying. I know dramatic right and probably over the top and all that, but I don’t know how else to describe this, maybe drowning. It’s like being under water, but not realising, until you’ve run out of oxygen and your head started to feel like it;s about to explode… I feel like I’m going to explode and every time I’ve felt anything close to the way I’m feeling right now I’ve done something stupid, normally something harmful, self destructive and really really stupid. I’m not sure what to do, I keep thinking that indulging myself in other things will allow me to vent it out and I thought it was working, but obviously not. Due to my many issues, I don’t have anyone to talk to about this and I’m really scared. I’m scared that I’m going to do something stupid and that this time I’m not going to come out the other side. I’m even scared to go to sleep sometimes, because I’m afraid I won’t wake up, but then there’s this part of me that doesn’t want to wake up, that just wants to go to sleep and never wake back up again. I keep telling myself that I can handle this and that I’ve been though this sort of dark side of myself before and that I can do this alone, like I always do, but it’s getting harder and harder to believe that. Wow this ones depressing. Maybe something to lighten the mood or something: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X2BYmmTI04I But then I’ve been obsessed with this song from Great Gatsby lately: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O4uD6o9XxLs I’m not completely sure why, maybe because the only time I feel peaceful is when I immerse myself in this song and just let my imagination run wild. It’s inspiring I suppose. Oh I didn’t say lately I haven’t been able to write. It’s like I’m empty, but when I listen to this, not so much. Quotes/sayings of the day: When I want to scream because I feel like I’m going to burst, I open my mouth and pretend that something is coming out, because I don’t want to give the world the satisfaction of hearing me scream any more – Unknown I am not what I seem, look past my surface and, you might scream ― Anastasia wild

The day to come…

So I’m off to pick up the big brother tomorrow, as he’s coming home for 3 weeks. So he’ll be back for my birthday – yay the day I was born in right around the corner!

So I met this guy today, right and he said that he liked chubby girls, it’s weird I’ve never actually heard a guy say that before, I’ve known guys who obviously do, but I’ve never heard a guy openly admit it before – I think. So yeah that was fun and I’ve been  writing, although not my novel – blasted thing isn’t going anywhere – but I’m glad that the old creative juices haven’t dried up, that’s something. And I’m to get some of my novel written tomorrow, although that might be disrespectful, if I write during the parade, but maybe in the car and what not, but we’ll see how the day goes, that’s how I’ve been going on lately, one day at a time. When I say lately more like this week, although I had it all planned out nothing has gone to plan and I’m feeling a little down, although that might be correlated to the fact, that my Cherry isn’t replying to my messages, but what the hell, I’ll turn it around somehow. Because I’m still waiting for a reply for my little problem, so I’ve got that to look forward to – whoop.

And it’s nearly the end of the week or at least that’s how it feels, I wish this week had been a little bit more eventful, but one cannot change the past, but I can change the future or something along those lines.

I’m suppose to be getting a good nights sleep, but heck that’s not going to happen, since sleep is still an issue with me, I can’t get to sleep. I just lye awake at night, wishing I was asleep, once I’m out that’s ok, but it’s getting there that’s the problem. Someone said that it might be because there is too much light in my room, so now I’m thinking about changing the curtains to try and block the light out more, but I haven’t gotten round to it yet, so still no good nights sleep tonight. Maybe I’ll be able to sleep on the ride there, sometimes when I’m really tired I find it quite easy to sleep on transport, maybe even easier than in my own bed. Wow I think that’s probably not a good thing there, but I’ll work it out – one day.

Quote/saying of the day – I know I didn’t do one of these in the last post, because I was being lazy. You know you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams. – Dr Seuss

The absences of me in my routine…

So today was… different. Not all that different, but not the usual routine and I think that has helped me a little. I need to mix things up now and then, stop the melancholy setting in and all that jazz. I think I get this from my childhood. I sometimes wonder if my mother had this feeling as well, because her childhood was somehow even more drastic than mine in this field, but then again she didn’t go through the same things, she wasn’t like me, she was better I can say that with certainty. I know she wasn’t perfect or anything, but perfect is something that’s impossible. I like to think she was the closest thing to perfect, but it seems that that might just a delusion, but I don’t care. I’d rather keep my ideal idea of her, she gone and I don’t want the last thing that ties me to her to be shattered, I don’t see the point in doing so, just more pain and I don’t want that sort of pain.

Any ways, it’s back to the old routine tomorrow, no detours, or elaboration. I don’t think it will kill me though, this time, but mixing it up might be the way to go from now on, plus it’s probably for the best that I start now. I may have said that things would be different this year and I may have told my friend about my new years resolution, but this isn’t serious, so no need to get them involved or anything.

So this one is going to be a short one, because I need to get some sleep tonight and getting to bed earlier, might help with that – not that it has in the best, but if first you don’t succeed try and try again, or something to that point.

I haven’t been writing as much as I would have liked, thinking over when I start this project, actually I haven’t written a thing, since I went back to the day to day routine. Maybe that’s the factor this is creating this wall between me and my characters, I can’t get into their heads the way I want to and I can’t write right, if I can’t get into their heads, I comes out all messy and unreadable, which is getting annoying, but I’m hoping to change that soon and this mixing things up, can’t make things worse – I hope!

Letting the new year in with the promise of fulfilled dreams

So I went to my cousins for the new year, hence my lack of a new years post, there was a lot of fireworks, although not all of them our own and some sparklers and it was all very fun and nice and I’m glade I went. I think I just got myself in a funk over actually achieving my life’s dream, as this is something that I have wanted to do since, well since I started writing so at the very least 13 years, sure that’s not the longest of time, but thinking about the amount of times that I could have died then it’s actually quite some time – sorry for the morbidity and all that jazz.

We went out for a meal at this restaurant near there house, because unlike me they live in the city and live a stones throw away from places to eat and drink. Although being with the family did mean that I had to pass up on the cute guy that I met, it can be nice to just dress up for the sack of dressing up, not that I really did dress up. I wouldn’t call shorts and a top that I had just spent the journey there in dressing up, it was more of a casual look for the evening and honest I would have looked completely out of place next to the others and since I wasn’t feeling like standing out, especially as the last time I went to stay with my cousin people thought I was in the local gang, I think blending was best, at least for the night. But I got my Christmas present and gave them theirs, although unluckily I got two of the same thing, but I didn’t tell them that, and I think I might be able to get a good price for it, so yay me. And this morning I got a bit of writing done, although inspiration wasn’t really floating around their place, to be honest it’s a bit of cesspool for sucking inspiration inside their place, maybe it’s just because I’m at odd with my aunt’s decorating style or something, but I really was getting blocked, even with spending half the night before lying awake thinking about the plot – my cousin snores, loudly.We headed into town on new years day, even with the horrible weather, it wouldn’t have been so bad if it had just stopped raining or the wind had stopped, either one, but no they persisted and most of the shops were shut or closing down, because the streets gave you the impression of a zombie apocalypse that we just didn’t seem to know about, but I did get some things from Top Shop. A shop that I don’t frequent, because of it’s outrageous prices, but in the sale, things looked brighter and I got myself these really cute play suit, that is made to look like a jacket. I’ve been looking for a jacket dress for a while, but this play suit will pull me over until I find the real thing. I also got this pair of red shorts with Ying Yang symbols on them and I shoulder-less top that I am in the process of remaking into a ‘pick up line’ top, as I’m going to paint ‘I lost my teddy bear, will you sleep with me?’ across it. I’m still sort of in love with tops with writing on them and they have proven to work for me, so why give up a good thing? It’s not hurting anyone!

So yeah over all the whole trip wasn’t as soul sucking as I thought it could become, although I did become a bit of a bitch – in my head – by the end of it, because I am now very hormonal, horny and irrational. A combination that I think quite a few woman will be able to understand every 28 days or so. For those of you that are oblivious to what I am talking about, it’s my time of the month and what I lovely time it is. I hate getting annoyed at every little thing, but everything just seems to annoy me and I’m not sure why it has to be this way, but it is. Can’t fight fate and all that jazz, although we do try our hardest.

So moving on before I get too personal. I’m heading round to a friends house tomorrow and I’m not too sure how things are going to go. It could be absolutely great, which is what I’m hoping for. Or it could be a blood bath, but with the intervention of one of our mutual friends, who is quite a bit younger than us, I’m hoping everyone will keep things PG or something like that.

So I’ve decided to stop being a good girl and start dating again. I’m bored with being single, but I’m going to take it slow and not rush into things – is what I say now. I don’t want to hurt anyone, but me being completely bored the way I am can lead to someone getting hurt and me getting hurt, so I’m being completely selfish and putting myself before others – alright I’m only bored in the love department not the rest of my life really. I’m still not too certain about my friend that apparently has a crush on me, but since he hasn’t contacted me in about 2 weeks I have a feeling that his feelings aren’t that strong or that he’s over me – I say hopefully, not that he’s not a great guy, but I think I might break him. And with him out of the picture I feel free to date and be happy about it and not like I’m flaunting my lovers in his face or something, not that he’s ever met one of them. That’s another things I’ve been meaning to change about my way and will probably do in the coming year. Actually let my friends meet my guys. Before this point I’ve actually sometimes gone out of my way to make sure that my friends don’t meet them. At least some of my friends. If they already know the guy then there’s no helping it, but the friends that I hang out with most of the time these days have never met one and I made sure of it. But I’m going to change that. The next guy I get ‘serious’ with I’m going to introduce them to – I say now, but probably won’t end up doing. But then I don’t really get super serious with anyone. I mean I’ve never even been in love with anyone and that’s getting serious. I can’t say for certain, but I don’t think anyone has ever been in love with me either, so I suppose it’s fine. I mean no one has ever said that they love me, when their not intoxicated that is. I’ve had many ‘I love you’s from intoxicated people. I think it’s just one of those things that people say when they’re in that state, I mean I think I’ve said it once or twice.

So as to not leave that dangling out there, I think I might already have someone on my radar – I really couldn’t think of a better way to say that, hence the creation of the ‘pick up line’ top. But whether or not he’ll take the bait is something else entirely, because I’m not going to take the direction full frontal approach to this, although new aspect to this years me, less direction in the love life situation, at least while I’m still taking it slow, being indirect, will diffidently slow things down.

I’m still planning for my birthday and I’m not sure if the others want to do with joint thing, but if they don’t then I have an idea of what I might do and if they do then I have an idea about we could do. So basically I have idea about how I want to celebrate my birthday this year, also I’ve been helping my father work out how he wants to celebrate his birthday this year, because it’s a big one and some people would say the half way point others would say one foot in the grave, but I think I’m going for the first one, I’m hoping my father will live for a many more years.

Something to weigh when losing inspiration

So I’m off to see my cousins tomorrow and although I get along great with them and it’s good to see them and all. I’m not looking forward to going. I don’t want to go. I’m on the edge of a new idea and I feel like if I leave it now, when I come back to it, I’m not going to like it any more and not be able to do it justice. Right now I have everything working overtime to try and work out the plot and a new environment and stimulus is exactly what I don’t need. I suppose the people around me – i.e. my family – don’t get that this is important to me and so think my reasons are trivial and unreasonable and what not, but this is important to me and right now I’m considering pulling an all nighter to try and get at least a little of it done, but I think I won’t do very well, because I’m quite tired now and I think it’ll probably turn out horrible, because half my mind will be on tomorrows events and what not and not the thing at hand. I want this one to be good, no great. I want it to be my first – novel – masterpiece, in a long line of them, but if that will actually happen, well I’ll just have to wait and see.

But I’m meant to be packing right now and I’m putting it off, because I don’t want to pack, due to the fact that I don’t want to go, but I know that my family will just guilt trip me into going in the end and I will feel bad if I don’t go and see them, since I only really get to see them once and year at this time of year. I suppose I really should be less selfish and just go.

But I said I was going to be a bit more selfish. I want to achieve my goals and I won’t be able to do that if I spend all my time thinking about others feelings and wants, need and desires. Although I still find myself weighing these things up when I make decisions these days.

I don’t know I’ll probably feel horrible the entire time there, because I’m missing this chance, but I’ll probably feel horrible if I don’t go, because I’m missing the chance to see everyone. Plus I’ll probably end up spending new years alone, if I don’t go and that’s just depressing.

A lonely sideways glance

So today was just another day in a slowly lengthening sequence of days that pile up to make up my life. Sort of a morbid view I know but I’m feeling morbid right now and I also know that its my own will fullness that is causing me to feel down. I could very easily change my mood, but because I’m stubborn I don’t.

It’s funny how that happens, we’re the ones that get hurt, but we still stick to our guns to dig ourselves a grave, when we could very easily put down the shovel and walk away – like the metaphor?

So I sort of found out today that tomorrow I’m off to the hospital – oh the joy – I’m having more tests and what not, after they have now pushed this back about 2 times, including changing the time over and over again – what’s with that, when they give you a time they should stick to it, unless it’s something life threatening or something like that. But yeah I’m off to the hospital in another city at that, because the one here, apparently can’t take my blood any more, although they do it every time I come in, I think my blood could fill the blood banks, if they didn’t keep wasting it on fruitless tests – maybe that’s what they’re really doing with it!

Any ways so apart from the hospital blood business and this morbid feeling, today was pretty normal. I mean I did punch my friend in the jaw and it made this really weird popping noise. Every time I do something violent these days I get this weird sort of blast from the past feeling and then this sensation of painful memories washes over me, it only last the shortest amount of time, but its there. Although I did have reason to be punching him – although he moved into the punch weirdly enough – he was teasing me about sleeping with this guy that I don’t know.

Me and my friends also got given cocaine doughnuts and one of them owns me magic mushrooms – that’s a long story, but I intend to collect…

So at the moment I’m going over some of my older writing and trying to start them over again – it’s hard. You have to get back into the heads of your characters and the sort of head space you were in when you wrote it, so it can be a challenge, but I’m getting there. There is just this one or two or ten writings that I really want to finish as I think that the ideas that I came up with need to be out there, but I’ve been writing less and less these days – excluding blogging and all that jazz – so I’m starting to feel like I’ll never get to do them. I’m not really complaining that I now feel more obligated to my social life than my writing, but it does make me a little sad a times to think of all those unfinished ideas and fragments of my soul. But I’m working on it, as I right now I need motivation and inspiration – let’s hope a change of scenery can help me get what I need.

So my ten – maybe not so – loyal follows, that’s it for today apart from to say. Thank you all for following my blog, you make me feel special and I love you all!