To being self-centric… and not suicidal

So Christmas is over and we’re into a new year.

Usually when I enter into a new year, I get this impending sense of – for lack of a better word – doom. Like I haven’t done what I should/could/wanted to do that past year and so my life is going to be a disaster. But this year not so much, maybe because I started university, so that’s a major step towards something… or maybe because I started being me. Alright that might sound weird or whatever, but honest for about 7-9 years of my life, I have tried to be someone other than myself. There wasn’t really someone in particular that I wanted to be, I just didn’t want to be me, honestly that’s where the suicidal tendencies stem from, I think. Although I sort of still have an odd suicidal moment, so there’s probably more to that. If I continued going to therapy and stopped lying to my therapist, I think I’d probably find out what all that’s about, but I’ve be analysing myself since I was about 6 or maybe 7 – I’m not very good with time, or dates or anything or that sort, I think that’s why I find it so easy to get lost down the rabbit hole, as some people refer to it as.

Buy honestly I don’t want to die, actually I want to live forever and I do sometimes tell people that, at which point they either laugh or give me ‘I think you’re completely insane’ look, but I’m ok with that, because one way or another I’m going to live forever.

But yeah… onwards. So this year I haven’t really made new years resolutions, because well I never keep to them and for the past 10+ years my resolution has been the same thing ‘finish a novel’, but I’m still trying for that, when it will happen? who knows! and who cares, I’m trying and that’s not something I do all that often, not really.

I mean it’s a whole evolved defence mechanism and it’s the reason I’m not in a relationship and I’ve never had one that lasted longer than a month – I think, maybe shorter – and also I’m cruel, so there’s that.

So I got what I wanted for Christmas. I think as people get older, they stop thinking that Christmas is such a big deal and stop wanting things or rather asking for things for the occasion, which is part of the reason why I got my brother a box of sweets for Christmas, because I didn’t want to just give him money and all that jazz.

But any ways I keep side tracking as per usual. So this year I want to be more me and I want to have a good time, which includes going on holiday this summer or at least to the seaside a bunch. Last year me and some friends decided we were going to make going to Cornwall a yearly holiday for us, to keep the group together and all that, not that we really need it it seems. But since no one can drive, because our usual driving got into an accident, she can’t afford the insurance and none of the rest of us can drive, two of the group are learn and the other can’t because she has/had epilepsy and you’re not allowed to drive on the meds she was taking and all that jazz and I don’t drive, because… well because of personal reasons. So Cornwall seems to be off the list, due to the fact we would have to take the train down and then find a way to get to the camp site and apparently there isn’t any buses around there, or something. I want to go to a different country, but one of the group is a super home buddy. Honestly she doesn’t want to go anywhere or meet anyone new, she refused to let my friend come to her party because she was going to bring her new boyfriend, she just didn’t want to meet anyone new – this just doesn’t make much sense to me. I’m trying not to be super judgemental or anything, but I like meeting new people and seeing new places, even if it sometimes scares the shit out of me. The we’re all a little short on cash, so I don’t think they’ll want to leave the country or anything like that

So over Christmas I found out that one of my friends has dropped out of university, because she couldn’t handle being away from home – she has some pretty bad anxiety problems. So she’s back home and is thinking of doing a horse care course, or something like that.

See for me being here and being at home weren’t that different when I came, apart from I had to deal with my own finances, as I had to do my own shopping  and what not. That sounds like I’m fishing for sympathy  and maybe on some level I am. I mean my father doesn’t like me as much as my brothers, probably because he doesn’t know how to handle me, since I’m a girl and all that jazz, but he still loves me. So I’m not really fishing, I’m telling the truth here, it’s like if I told someone that, I think it would be a – as my friend like to say – ‘woe is me’ story, but it’s not. I mean my father worked away from home, so he stayed with his girlfriend and I stayed at home alone, hence the lack of difference between here and home, I mean there actually are people living in this house, so that’ different, but not family members. I guess if I had been closer with my family, I a more dependent sort of way, then I would be pretty home sick and all that.

Any ways more swiftly on. I got this book called ‘The wisdom of psychopaths’ for Christmas and after beginning to read it, I’m finding it really interesting. I mean I’m already weirdly hooked on psychopaths and others, hence the psychology degree – although I’m not sure if that’s the best reasons to be trying to become a psychologist. But in this book it states that depression, on a short term basis at least, is actually good for you, because people who are depressed are more focused, or something to that affect, although I think on a long term basis depression isn’t good for you and I don’t think I was more focus when I was depressed, but maybe I just didn’t notice, or maybe that was because of the lack of sleep and food. I don’t think I really want to find out.

But as they say new year new me, but since this coming week is a revision week for me, I’m thinking I won’t bother going to be lectures, but I might go to Monday ones and see what they’re like, because apparently I only have one Exam this time, so I don’t see why I should have to go to the other lectures, when I could be revision for my exam, also I haven’t done my coursework, which is due Monday – classic me – so I might have to skip my first Monday lecture to finish that, because I’m probably going to end up writing it all tomorrow, because I feel completely out of whack today – that’s really just an excuse not to do any work.

So I decided I am going to try and enter some writing competitions this year, starting with the writers Forum – magazine – writing competitions, but that means putting money on my printing card thing, because I told the father that I won’t need the printer he wanted to give me, because we just had to hand things in online – didn’t think about hard copy writing competitions, you see you have to be a subscriber to enter online and I don’t have the money to become a subscriber, which reminds me, I have to join the BPS – British Psychological Society – you have to be a member to practice – apparently – and it’s cheaper to join now, rather than later.

So this is my new years-ish, post – I know I know, but what the heck, I’ve got time.

I heard this the other day and although it stalker-ish, I sort of like it, but it’s not my new year song.

 

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