Whatever sinks your boat…

So it’s time of year were a whole bunch of people my age begin to get well… rather stressed and I’m not one for the stressing out, although I still do it from time to time. But this time around I’m in the same boat as everyone else – I miss my old boat, with it laid back vibe and sunshine all day long. Frantically squeezing information into my head in the hopes that I will somehow he about to fool this random stranger, that I hope I will never have to meet, that I know what I’m talking about and aren’t just re-writing the text books and hand outs given to me. People keep telling me it’s got to be more original, but honestly what do they expect from us, we’re given a years worth of information and expected to write however many essays in an hour or so, that are original, thought provoking and understandable. Sure for those lucky enough to have a memory, that doesn’t remind them of a sieve and can actually remember all that shit that we are meant to know, then it’s all good, but for the rest of us, we’re just hoping that the stuff we know comes up and if it doesn’t then we’re probably going to spend half of that hour staring at that lines answer booklet, wishing that it would all be over and we can just relax, until the next stressful event arrives, results day!

So I was meant to be going away and day after the results day, but now due to my certainty that I’m going to fail everything, I’ve had to push that back a couple days. Oh the wonders of the world. Maybe I’ll just quit all this get a crappy job and a tiny shack of a place and spend the next 10 to 2o years of my life – if I live that long – writing about people I wish I could be.

Alright so I’m obviously not in the best of moods today and if you felt like all you wanted to do was run away or start bashing your head against the wall, then you wouldn’t be either. But at least this whole thing has helped me get into a rhythm with my day, as rhythm that is going to be broken up tomorrow, when my father and his girlfriend descend on me, with their super annoying and completely unhelpful supposed-to-be sage words of wisdom. People telling me to do things makes me want to do them less, especially if I don’t really want to do them in the first place, plus when my father is around I feeling completely helpless and irritated and he acts like everything I do is wrong, just because I like to dance to be beat of my own drum and not his, it’s not like a expect him to dance to the beat of mine or anything. I keep thinking maybe there’s a way I can stop them coming, without seeming rude, but I just can’t think of anything, probably because of mind is saturated with Psychology and now I’ve got to somehow stuff some English terminology into that brain of mine. I just hate the educational system and not because I’m not good at it, it’s just messed up. I’ve known what I want to do with my life since I was 6 years old, but I have to go through 16 years of education, before I can even get close to doing it. Shouldn’t there be a different way for people how know, for certain what they want to do with their lives. I get some people just don’t know, but if you’re like me and you do, then shouldn’t there be some way of skipping the middle bit, which you relearn later any ways and just going to the end 6 years, because for me those are the years that are going to make me the person I want to be, yet right now that could be stopped completely, because I don’t give a dam about one of the subjects I’m doing, since I’m never going to use any of the information I learn now again.

Well that’s the end of that rant. Ah… I feel a little better now.

In need of a ladder to reach the Fruits of my labour…

So as it turns out, after a bit of emailing back and forth their going to read my short story out at the event, as they were going to replace me after not hearing back from me for a while, but now it seems that I won’t be able to make it, as it’s being held in Brighton and I’m basically on the other side of the country, so public transport is super expensive, especially as I’m no longer classed as a child and I don’t want to get done and have to pay some stupid fine, just because I’m to poor to be able to pay for an adult ticket, which seems to be a problem for quite a few people online.

So now I’m feeling all down and angry about the whole thing, all over again. They have offered to read it out at a future one, if I can’t make it, but this was sort of my light in the darkness thing, since everything just seems to be going to the crapper lately. But hey ho the universe hates me right now, or maybe I’ve just been a bad person or something and this is karma. Who knows?

At least the weather is turning more summery lately, so my outfit choices make sense to the rest of the world now. I didn’t really both to change to my ‘proper’ winter wardrobe, as I’ve been wearing skirts and shorts a lot all year, which most people would class as summer clothing. But with the warm weather coming that means I’m going to have to catch back up on my beauty routine, as with most women in the winter, I haven’t really removed the hair from my legs for the majority of the winter and taken to covering them up instead. I mean there were times when I did, but not really as religiously as I do in the summer, when I have my legs out all the time/as much as possible, as I actually am kind of proud of my legs, due to them being all well toned and what not. Mainly thanks to all that horse riding and track (short distance running) that I used to do. Luckily for me they haven’t yet given up and turned to fat, although I live in fear.

But then again I have been getting back into exercise, as I’m trying to get a slimmer waist, not that I think I’m fat, I’m just fatter than I want to be. (I feel like I’ve said that before?)

Anyway while I’ve still got you, I might as well continue talking about this short story writing competition that I won, because that’s the thing that is holding my attention at the moment – mainly because I’m using it to block everything else out. So just in case I do get down there and my piece is read out, I’m going to put the location time and place up, with the hopes of persuading one or five people to go and watch and be ‘amazed’ by my short story.

Time: 23rd May at 8pm

Place: The Latest Music Bar, Brighton, BN2 1TF

Oh it’s called Speaky Spokey – I’m not too sure if there’s actually an ‘e’ in the word Spokey, but I don’t think that matters too much. So I’ve felt a link to their facebook page, where you can get a ticket to the event, which is music and poetry and other stuff.

Quote/saying of the day: Die, my dear Doctor, that’s the last thing I shall do! -w

I feel like I should have more to say but I don’t. I just want to put my fist through a wall right now, or throw myself out a window. But then both involve bad reoccupation, so the future messes up those grand plans.


Listening to the inner voice of self doubt

Alrighty, so I’ve been a little… inconsistent with my posts of late, but that’s because well I’ve been preoccupied. So I’ve entered all these writing competitions and I won one. Although the prize isn’t exactly big or anything, but I’m still happy about it, although I might not be able to go, as the prize is having my writing read out at this thing that they do each month, but it seems to be quite popular, as the last months one, was sold out pretty quickly. I’ve been trying to find a way to go, but it’ll be a ride on like 3 trains and 2 buses, so might be too expensive and I also have to be somewhere that day.

So I’ve been a little stressed out these past couple of well, maybe more than just these past couple of weeks, but recently it just feels like the pressure is on and there’s basically nothing I can do about it, or to stop it. And I’ve got everyone telling me that the way I’m feeling is normal, but not actually helping me at all. I know there are probably hundreds, maybe millions, of people my age that are feeling the sort of feelings that I’m feeling – a lot of feel in there. But that doesn’t help me calm down or really make me feel any better about the way things are going right now. I just want one thing to hold onto, that can make me feel good about myself and  not like a failure. And I thought that entering this writing competition and actually winning would do that, but it doesn’t feel real or impressive or like I succeeded at anything at all, even more so now that I can’t get the prize. It just feels like when a friend tells me its good, fake. Because what are friends for but to lie about how amazing their friends writing is, but I don’t want that I want people to tell me the truth, otherwise I’ll just go on thinking that my stuff is good, when actually it’s rubbish and I should just write for myself and not for anyone else to read. Winning the competition makes me question how many other people applied and all this other stuff, to bring myself down and it’s stupid, because I should be feeling good about it. They picked my story out of however many and even if it was only a very small number, that’s still out of something and it’s still an achievement.

I don’t know, maybe I’m just being harsh on myself or something. But in other news my little cat has hurt her eye and now I’m hiding from her, because I can’t stop her from rubbing it. She had something similar before, and it got better quite quickly, so I’m hoping this will be the same way, but I hate watching her rub it because it makes it look – hopefully – worse than it is and I don’t like the thought of her in pain. Also it seems to disorientate her a little, but then having one eye closed can do that, when your sleepy and a little hungry, which she seemed to be when I fed her.

Quote/saying of the day: Have no fear of perfection – you’ll never reach it. – Salvador Dali

An accidental smudge in the circle of life…

So it’s been a little while since the last time I posted, so I thought I’d start things off again with a little bit of a bang, literally. So me and a couple of mates decided that we were going … Continue reading