Listening to the inner voice of self doubt

Alrighty, so I’ve been a little… inconsistent with my posts of late, but that’s because well I’ve been preoccupied. So I’ve entered all these writing competitions and I won one. Although the prize isn’t exactly big or anything, but I’m still happy about it, although I might not be able to go, as the prize is having my writing read out at this thing that they do each month, but it seems to be quite popular, as the last months one, was sold out pretty quickly. I’ve been trying to find a way to go, but it’ll be a ride on like 3 trains and 2 buses, so might be too expensive and I also have to be somewhere that day.

So I’ve been a little stressed out these past couple of well, maybe more than just these past couple of weeks, but recently it just feels like the pressure is on and there’s basically nothing I can do about it, or to stop it. And I’ve got everyone telling me that the way I’m feeling is normal, but not actually helping me at all. I know there are probably hundreds, maybe millions, of people my age that are feeling the sort of feelings that I’m feeling – a lot of feel in there. But that doesn’t help me calm down or really make me feel any better about the way things are going right now. I just want one thing to hold onto, that can make me feel good about myself and  not like a failure. And I thought that entering this writing competition and actually winning would do that, but it doesn’t feel real or impressive or like I succeeded at anything at all, even more so now that I can’t get the prize. It just feels like when a friend tells me its good, fake. Because what are friends for but to lie about how amazing their friends writing is, but I don’t want that I want people to tell me the truth, otherwise I’ll just go on thinking that my stuff is good, when actually it’s rubbish and I should just write for myself and not for anyone else to read. Winning the competition makes me question how many other people applied and all this other stuff, to bring myself down and it’s stupid, because I should be feeling good about it. They picked my story out of however many and even if it was only a very small number, that’s still out of something and it’s still an achievement.

I don’t know, maybe I’m just being harsh on myself or something. But in other news my little cat has hurt her eye and now I’m hiding from her, because I can’t stop her from rubbing it. She had something similar before, and it got better quite quickly, so I’m hoping this will be the same way, but I hate watching her rub it because it makes it look – hopefully – worse than it is and I don’t like the thought of her in pain. Also it seems to disorientate her a little, but then having one eye closed can do that, when your sleepy and a little hungry, which she seemed to be when I fed her.

Quote/saying of the day: Have no fear of perfection – you’ll never reach it. – Salvador Dali


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