Unsatisfied cravings in the face of unseen tears.

I’m not dealing very well today. It’s not like something spectacularly bad happened to me today or anything. I would say that my past is catching up to me again, but now I feel like I never really got away from it to begin with. I’m still that person and last year was just me lying to myself.

But then maybe I’m just not doing things right, maybe I can shake off my past and be that girl. The happy girl that girl with no worries. I want to be that girl, but then reality sets in and there’s this little voice inside my head whispering about how I will never ever get to be that girl, that I don’t deserve to be that girl, it’s a suit that doesn’t fit me and I should stop trying it on, hoping that one day it will fit the way I want it to.

There’s nothing like sitting crying your eyes out, while listening to a song about being happy and what a lovely place the world is to be. It may just be the masochist in me but it made me shiver, in both the good way and the bad way.

You know when your sitting somewhere, outside, maybe waiting for a bus or something like that. You’re just sitting there, not really thinking about anything, well those are the moment when I begin to crave cigarettes. I’ve never smoked in my life and there’s a very strong part of me that never wants to. Watching two loved ones die of cancer is enough to make you wish the dam things had never been invented in the first place. But there’s this little part of me that is screaming at me to have one… two… packets a day. I don’t know why, it’s not like any of my friends smoke, so I’m being pressured into doing it or anything, actually a bunch of them think it’s gross, so it’s more like pressured into not, but that part of me is still there.

I’ve got something sort of big happening tomorrow and until about 1 and a half hours ago, I had forgotten it was tomorrow, it’s only Tuesday, but I’m already getting muddled up and I’m in trouble, I think, because I’m just being ‘me’ again.

Quote/Saying of the day: As you stopped to say hello, oh, you wished me well, you couldn’t tell that I’d been crying over you – Roy Orbison 


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