I’ll set sail without you, but I don’t want to…

Just another day in the life of the average university student, with some wanderlust… Continue reading

Like a stray cat with sore feet, that smiles just a little too wide…

Just another busy day in the life of the average university student, who is now also an official working girl… Continue reading

Give ’em what they want…

Just the (sexually charged) rambles of an average university student… with a kink Continue reading

Please just stay quiet for a little while longer…

So there is no ‘nice’ way to tell someone you don’t want to go out with them. I mean I used to not even have to think about that, because I had a sort of policy of saying yes to the first date and then no after that if it didn’t work out, I thought that was in some ways nicer, but then again in other ways it’s meaner, but whatever I dropped that idea, because I can usually tell when I’m never going to want to go there with someone, sure I’ll love them as a friend, but with me once you’re in the friend zone, you’re going to have to really work to get back out again, I mean you would have to be something along the lines of my perfect person – although I don’t believe in perfect – although I do believe in friends with benefits, but that’s sort of a whole different story with me, usually because that starts from the get go and there isn’t the whole building of the friendship before the fun stuff gets added in. Weird I know, but then I’ have resigned myself to the understanding that I am a ‘freak’ or at least generally ‘fucked up’ – excuse the language.

So why am I trying to find a nice way to turn someone down – why do you think – one of my new university friends – a male for those who were going to wonder – has decided to try and go there with me. He hasn’t actually asked yet, but I’m, usually right about these sorts of things – I knew my friend has lost her virginity before she told me, months later and I knew my other friend had a boyfriend before she told me – maybe I’m intuitive about things, or maybe it’s to do with the empathy stick, but whatever, I’m playing it dumb, because I’m sort of hoping that he will never get my to courage to ask me, or at least only do it right before I leave for summer so that he can get over it and we can be friends, because he’s a good friend. I know that’s not exactly nice, but one of my other male friends has a crush on me, never said anything and got over it and we’re still good friends, at least I think we are, it’s been a while since we last spoke face to face, but we talked over facebook and what not.

Ah this is an annoying situation, because one of the things that I liked about him when we first met, was that he didn’t seem to be wanting to go there and that was nice. I mean sure we talk for hours on end and he’s sort of got the same mind set I had about 6-7 years ago, which can be annoying at times, but then again he’s always talking about change, but I don’t think he really wants to considering I did it, because I pushed myself to change, because I wasn’t going in a health direction and I new that. but any ways all that just makes him a good friend and a person I would like to remain friends with, not a potential significant other. I’m not even sure if I want a relationship right now, especially as I think I want to have a summer fling this summer, although that might just be a booze talking – yeah I’ve been drinking alone, sad I know, but I’ve sort of been stressing, about my future and exams and tests and assignments and money and now him.

I’ve been looking around for some part-time/summer work and I’ve found some online stuff, which could be good or could be terrible, although if they ever get back to me I could earn £9000 in 4 months, although the job might not last that long, but still it’s high pay for what I have to do, which is next to nothing and I would love the money, since my savings is looking a little poorly at the moment. I was invited to go to Japan next summer and I want to go to New Orleans the summer after that, which could cost £4000-8000 for both trips depending on how much money I want to spend while there and all that jazz, plus I want to go to some festivals and stuff this summer, with my friends and they were talking about going to Italy next summer. I can’t wait till this semester is over, right now. All my assignment and tests and exams over and I don’t have to give a damn until results day, but no I’m not there yet.

I’m also considering becoming a mother’s helper, although I have next to no experience and since I was thinking about going for newborns and toddlers sort of age, I mean I have friends with children and I’ve helper out with them now and then, but you can’t really put that on a CV. I also thought about pet sitting over the summer, I found a company that pay £13-30/day which I’m, not too sure, but I think that’s good, I mean I’m not too sure how long there ‘day’ is, so I could be under minimum wage, but as a first proper paying job, I think it’s good and I think it was a somewhat link to the line of work I might want to do in the future.

I’ve also been doing a bunch of online surveys, so hopefully those won’t be dead ends, although one was, you had to complete offers – I wasn’t sure when it said offers, but I tried it – it was a total waste of time, a lot of the offers you would end of spending more money than you go back and I’m not looking to put my card details on the internet any more than they already are. I did however sign up for a 30 day trial with Now TV, probably not the best time to do that, with my exams right around the corner and all that jazz, but I’ll deal. I mean there’s actually not that much on there that I want to watch and I’ll have about 3 days after my exams to binge watch whatever I want to watch and then cancel account.

Quote/saying of the day: We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie. – David Mamet, Boston Marriage

If I headed for the hills would you come with me?

So I’ve sort of worked it out with my friends, honestly it wasn’t that hard, because they’re modern people and can put stuff aside and move on, which I’m not sure if is a good or bad thing in the long run, but I suppose right now that doesn’t matter too much.

My new atomizer arrived today, so I’ve been vaping on that all day and I have to say that it is amazing compared to my old ones, you can really taste the e-juice, plus with the istick the old atomisers had a habit of spitting hot juice at me and breaking quickly, so I’m really glade it arrived today, because my throat can’t take any more boiling liquid being splashed on it. I know why don’t I just stop for a while? Well I’m not too sure, I suppose I’m a little hooked or something – and I’m not even vaping the stuff with nicotine.

I’ve been looking into festivals to go to over the summer, since I think my dreams of going abroad with my friends are dashed, not that I’m going to stop trying and what not, but I’m looking for fun things to do, just in case that doesn’t work out, plus it seems that everyone is making summer plans, bar me, so I want to do something. I am not just going to lazy around all summer, I’ve got about 4 months off, because of freshers and my exams finishing so early and what not, so I’m going to try and make the most of it, even if that means I can’t do it with my friends like I would have liked.

Sure I’m far to scared to go travelling abroad by myself, mainly because I’m not the luckiest person or the most cautious person in the world, which when you add being in the country where you don’t know the language or anyone or anything, can be dangerous combination and I’m quite a shy and timid person in strange, wonderful and new places, so I might not have as good a time, plus it could be really lonely and how wants to feel lonely?

And then there’s travelling alone as a woman – I know that’s sort of sexist or whatever – but I feel like in some places it’s not the best idea.

But I have to believe in my… faith I guess you would call it, why not faith in the universe. It’s this idea or theory or idea based on a religious idea/ideal, that if you want something bad enough the whole universe conspires to help make it happen, that’s not to say that you don’t have to try and universe does not do things for you, it just helps. Because in my own potentially twisted way I do believe in destiny and although I may never be prime minister or leader of the free world or whatever, I hope I’m going to live forever. I know wishful, slightly delusional thinking, but hey ho I’m slightly delusional and I like to daydream, well I’ve know that about myself for a long time and there is the possibility – although I’m ready to give in to it yet – that a daydreaming is all I am. I suppose in the grand scheme of things it’s not the worst life to live and perhaps one day I’ll write a book based on it and that’s how I’m gain my immortality.

So me and the friends went to Nando’s for dinner – yay Nando’s so exciting! – but it was a bit of an ego boost for me, because there was this table of guys that was checking me out and I’m in pretty boring cloths today, just my rock and roll top and blue jeans, nothing special. I don’t need other to validate my beauty or whatever, but I do appreciate.

After all the Chicken or beans in my case, because I wanted to know how they were going to put my beans in the burger and of course it was just like how you could expect, but I did get this cool can of iced tea – it’s a little sad how much I like the can my tea came in, but oh well. I went round to my friend place to finish off the pudding we bought yesterday and we were going to watch Big Bang Theory, but in the end we just started talking about travelling and Japanese culture and culture in general and how Western/English people are really becoming more and more egocentric and how we think children shouldn’t have so much technology all the time and all that jazz.

Your Travel Personality Is: The Adventurer

For you, travel is how you learn about the world. And you like to learn the stuff that’s not in guidebooks.
You truly have wanderlust. When you’re not traveling, you’re dreaming about where you’ll go next.
And your travels are truly legendary – they leave you with stories you’ll be telling for the rest of your life!

Quote/saying of the day: The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. – Lao Tzu

Dissatisfaction in desperate exhaustion

So it was the first day back today and even though I just had a long break, I can’t wait for the weekend. I’m exhausted, but not at the same time. It’s not really a physical tiredness, but a mental one, which for me can be worse. I wanted to get some alone time in today, but finding such a thing is hard. Although I could have braved the rain, but I wasn’t feeling that… horrible. I’ve been reverting back to old habits, but I also think it’s escalating, which to the outside, i.e. you the reader of this blog, I don’t think this means anything to you. I don’t even think this would mean anything to the people that have called themselves my friends for the past 6 years or so.

I’m getting a little desperate, because my usual method isn’t working the way it should and that could be bad for me and the people around me.

Recently I found an irregularity on my bank statement, so I had to call the bank and try and get it sorted out, for now their getting me the money back and sending me a new card, so I wouldn’t be able to spend much, only the £35 that I have out, well actually it was money sent from the relatives, but I think I might just try and not spend that, as I used up the New Look gift card that I was given today in the sale, I thought that was the best way to do it, because I would be getting more for my money and all that jazz. It was good I got this money box, that was filled with lollipops and a dress and a jumper/top, I say jumper/top, because it’s quite thin and can’t really be worn as a proper jumper. I also helped my friend pick out some jumpers for himself. He’s been trying something new, as he got his hair cut and shaved his beard for the new year, so he wants to get some new clothes.

I think maybe the reason why I’m so tired, although I didn’t get too much sleep last night, could be because of jealousy. It’s one of those little emotions that people want to pretend that they don’t have, because it makes them look weak or crazy or something that they don’t think people want from them, but it’s human nature and you going to have a hell of a hard time, running from your genes. I think it makes sense though, we see someone with something more than what we have and we want that thing, so putting it in more cavemen terms, we see a person with fire and we want fire, we see a person with a bigger rock than ourselves and we want that or at least a bigger rock, it’s a survival pattern, we are never truly satisfied with what we have although we can be content, but I believe that a whole other story to be truly satisfied.

Alone isn’t always lonely.

So today is the first day of my ‘freedom’. Or maybe my trial period. I’m all alone for the week and I’m looking after myself. Dun dun dun..! That’s the dramatic music there.

Any ways everything seems a little weird today, as I don’t have my time parters, to let me know what time it is, which means that I have been having a little bit of a hard time keeping time. Although it is quite fun being by myself, I do like it. Sometimes we need some alone time, to allow ourselves to un-muddle our thoughts and all that jazz…

I’ve got to write an article about the link between science fiction and science fact by Wednesday and right now I have about 2 muddled sentences and 2 sites with stuff I’ve been researching, but luckily the article doesn’t have to be fully finished and polished, to perfection by Wednesday, just written down in some form or another. I don’t think I would be able to sleep tonight or tomorrow night, if I had to have it perfectly done and dusted, as I would be writing it non stop, every second of every day up until I had to hand it in, to get it finished, because I like to get things done right and well as perfect as I can get them, when they’re something like this.