New day, New Year, New decade…

So it’s been who knows how long since the last time I posted. But it’s a new year and why not?

So last year – very near the end of it – I started talking to this guy. We met on a dating app, for people who are into certain things – BDSM – and he was one of the few people that contacted me on that app that actually treated me like a human being, so I actually wanted to talk to him.

From his profile picture, I wasn’t super attracted to him, but pictures can make people look different than they do in real life and honestly if someone has a personality that I’m attracted to, I don’t need them to be super duper physically attractive – from my perspective of what’s physically attractive.

Always… we had been chatting for a week or so, off the app – texting. He seemed nice, at first, but then things started to change. I couldn’t pin point the moment they did, but his attitude changed quite quickly. I tried to make it clear from the beginning where my lines were and he responded nicely enough, but then moments to hours later he would try and push them again and I don’t mean like gently nudging to see were my real limits are or something. I mean full on crossing over my lines, even after I’d stated that that wasn’t ok. To be honestly it wasn’t anything that would particular hurt me – since he whole thing was done over text. Along with this behaviour came other not so nice behaviour. He became quite passive aggressive and when I didn’t want to do something he wanted he would try and guilt trip me into doing things. This ended up with me just ignoring him for a while, because I didn’t want to be nasty to him, but I also didn’t want to have to deal with his guilt trips, especially not around Christmas! After then silences from me, he’d come back at me with apologies and the like, but they were still dripping with this ‘feel sorry for me vibe’ that started to really annoy me.

Anyways, so I keep giving me more chance to how me something about his personality that I could like, or like more of the guy I had chatted with to begin with. But he was gone.

In the end I got sick of it and just ghosted him.

I should say as well as my phone number he had my snap, so when I stopped replying via text, he moved onto sending me snaps. Which I also ignored, until he told me goodbye, then I looked at them, because why not? The same stuff was in them. After he had seen that I’d read the snaps he sent more – actually got quite weird – that culminated in him telling me he was going to block me and I thought ‘why the hell are you telling me this?’

I have not idea if he actually did block me, or if he was trying to get a rise out of me or something, but I jus removed him then and there, because I didn’t want to deal with his shit – it’s actually the sort of tactic that my ex used to use of me and it probably pissed me off more, because of that.

So I think I’m off dating again for a while, not that I was really looking in the first place, right now I’m trying to focus on myself and my future and just trying to sort my life out. So I don’t think I have the mental energy to deal with dating. I’m not cutting it out of my life, I’m just not going to be actively looking for someone. As weird as it feels, I don’t think I want someone as much as I have in the past. There’s that part of me, but the other things I my life are taking up all the space.

Everyone keeps asking me what I want to do with my life – career wise anyways – and I have no idea. I hate the job I’m working at now, mainly because my boss spends most of the time they see me, screaming at me and when I ask how to do things right, or just how to do them, they shout at me. It’s weird, like they won’t teach me how to do things, they just expect me to know, so that’s frustrating. Also maybe because I have next to know idea what’s going on half the time – maybe because my boss refused to tell me things and would go out of their way not to speak to me – but there is hardly any work to actually get done. I know some people would think sitting around an office doing nothing all day would be great, but it’s really not something that I find great. When I’m at work I want to work. Maybe that’s weird, but that’s how I feel.

I’m constantly trying to find work for myself, but most of the time me and the other office worker – three people have quit since I started, so there is now only the 2 of us – just keep all the work we can find till the end of the day or when the boss’s come in, so that we look busy.

I’m hoping that the new year will bring new job vacancies. Plus I’m one step closer to getting my driving license – which I should have gotten ages ago, but was stupid about it – by passing my theory test the other day. I think I was at a good standard to driving the last time I took lessons, but it has been a couple months, so I’m taking some more before going for my practical test. I was thinking about intensive courses, but I’m not sure how much time I need behind the wheel before I’m ready.

The sequel or prequel for tomorrow…

Alright so my friend came down for the weekend last weekend. It was great to see her, since it’s been a couple months, she came down, because it was her birthday the weekend before and my birthday… tomorrow.

We ended up heading over to one of university friends places, for the afternoon and then down to the beach for the evening. My friend had misplaced her ID at home, so she didn’t have any otherwise we probably would have gone clubbing or something like that. But it was a fun night, so I’m glade she didn’t, although getting slightly accosted by drunken guys, wasn’t the greatest thing in the world. I mean getting half shouted at my a group of guys in some language I couldn’t understand, not wonderful, but hey ho, life goes on and we had a good time otherwise.

Although I did feel rather like a delinquent – not for the first time in my life – because we were drinking and smoking on the beach, something about that felt a little like something a delinquent would do. Plus I had to pee really badly and we were far away from anywhere I could think I could use the bathroom, so… I peed on the beach, in front of one of those little house things they have. I mean I’m not really the sort of person that pees in such public areas and all that jazz.

I also may have spilled my guts to her about some stuff, I now wish I hadn’t, but the combination of nicotine and alcohol can be a potent combination, when it comes to my filter.

But because I’ll the stupid person that I am I felt my essay for that weekend, so I had until 12 on Monday to write a 1500 word essay and I did manage it, actually I wrote more than 1500 words and I think it was alright, maybe even pretty damn good. But I’ll fine out sometime in the future I suppose.

It strange, but it doesn’t feel like it’s my birthday tomorrow and I still can’t think of anything to get my brother – we’ve got the same birthday. He and his girlfriend have sent me a present, which I super great-full for, since I couldn’t think of anything I wanted, so my other brother said he’d give me money. But with this I feel even worse, not being able to think of a present for my brother, might have to sent it home even so – if I even think of anything – because I don’t know his address.

So as I had previously planned, I’m going to spend my birthday doing pretty much nothing and eating the cupcakes I make, perhaps watching some potentially bad films and maybe doing a bit of wallowing in my own misery, just to cap things off.

It’s been really annoying, but recently the fire alarm in my house, has been going off for no reason, it’s done it twice today already and did it at 3 am last night, fortunately or unfortunately depending on how you look at it, I wasn’t trying to sleep then, so that’s all good, but I’ve got a fire alarm in my bedroom. A very loud fire alarm that I have wanted to smash to pieces several times in the past 12-24 hours or so. But I’m going out this evening and I’m hoping that it doesn’t do it again, or I might end up not being able to get my security deposit back.

Quote/saying of the day: How old would you be, if you didn’t know how old you are? – George Meredith