Open me up…

Recently I’ve been a little annoyed with my current job. They keep calling me up on the day and telling me not to come in, because there’s no work and I get it, but it does seem like they could organise things a little better. But for now I’m looking for another job, slowly and seeing what’s out there, since I would want something closer, so I don’t have to spend so much on transport, although part of me doesn’t want to quit, because it’s not really a bad job and I’m getting better at it, but it’s not the best job and it only pays minimum wage, so I won’t be sticking around for the money.

Any ways today I was meant to be in work, but my manager texted me just after I got up this morning, telling me not to come in. But instead of going back to bed, like my tired body was asking me, to I decided to stay up and… well not particularly do anything important.

I did have a nice day, although I spent most of the afternoon on the phone with Mr. P – also told him that was his name on here. It was nice, alright more than nice, but not going to lie it felt me kind of frustrated. We chatted about a bunch of things, although the main topic of conversation was sex, but we also had a ‘serious’ chat about my issues or at least some of them. I mean I know I’m a messed up person, but I don’t think I’m particularly special or different in how I’m messed up or what my issues are. I mean sure they’re different than some people, but I don’t think they’re some unique to me or anything. Like I have trust issues and yeah they may manifest in a different way than some people, but lots of people have trust issues – people lie, cheat and do horrible things to one another, it’s not hard to get trust issues with the way some people treat each other sometimes. It was actually kind of nice talking about them, even if I did my normal things of acting a bit careless about the whole thing, but he was… good about everything I told him, which I won’t say is new, but some people just don’t handle some stuff well. I think it’s because they worry and want to be helpful, but don’t know what to do, so end up acting weird – at least sometimes, or maybe that’s just wishful thinking.

I actually surprised myself, with the amount I told him, even though it’s sort of the tip of the iceberg, but then in retrospect, it’s not that surprising, since I find it easier to talk about my issues, with strangers who I can then run away from, if I feel the need, than friends or family, who I want to spend time around. Not that I don’t want to spend time around him, but it’s more like there’s an easy escape route, if I need to use it.

Because I was in the house by myself today, I got a little scolded for not telling him that sooner, so we could have met up, but then that just brings up the whole, do I want to meet him and if so, do I want to meet him at my place? – trust issues and having had a stalker, I’m mindful of keeping things separate, I guess. Although saying stalker makes it sound dramatic and it really wasn’t that big of a deal, at least not to me, I don’t know how other people would have reacted in that situation.

Any ways chatting with him left me frustrated, because he get’s me horny, yeah we had phone sex again, but sometimes I just want… human contact. Ah that’s something else we talk about, we’re both not huggers. Ok my whole ‘don’t touch me’ thing is getting better, in the sense that most of the time I’m fine with it and it’s stems from a childhood trauma, while I think his whole ‘don’t hug me’ thing, is just him and not some childhood trauma thing, not that I mentioned the reason I don’t do hugs and some other forms of physical contact. I never really know how to talk about that and I usually just end up lying and joking about it, which I really shouldn’t do, because it’s been a really long time and it’s still effecting me. But let’s not dwell on that now. Today I decided to be a bit more open about things with him and not just my issues, some of which are still a secret to him, but about other stuff too, mainly sexual stuff and I think I’ve got a bunch of his preferences pegged, but we’ll see. I mean he’s not the type of beat around the bush, so I don’t think he’s have a problem answering if I asked, but there’s something fun about working someone out, without just having them tell you everything, sure there’s a line and sometimes you just need someone to tell you shit, but yeah…

Ah it seems this post is mainly about Mr. P. Well I guess I didn’t do all that much today, apart from chat with him and mess around looking for jobs. Today was not a particularly busy day, tomorrow might be a bit more busy. Well I’ve got stuff planned for the afternoon and I’m going to try and get Taylor Swift tour tickets in the morning, but it’s really not a very busy day either… Right now I’m just waiting around to hear about my cover and then that can get rolling, but yeah, I’ve got some odd jobs to do – ah I’m truly living the wild life here…

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