Recently things have been weird for me. Something been off with me and I’m not sure what’s going on.
Since coming to Bedford things have been more or less as I expected and I have having quite a bit of smooth sailing – emotionally wise. It used to scare me when I’d have these times of emotional stability, more because I felt like I was just waiting for things to get rocky again, but this time I just hoped that they won’t, but they did. I also took a leap yesterday, I talked to the father about some of the things that have been going on with me, well one of the things. I’m not sure why I managed to do it this time, but I did, well I almost didn’t. I can’t say that it went particularly well, but it didn’t go badly either, although the whole things wasn’t exactly cathartic, but then again talking to the father about my mental state never really was and that’s why I stopped trying in the first place, but somehow it does feel a little better and a little worse in another way. I couldn’t tell him everything, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to tell him everything, maybe not just for my sake, but I like to think I’m holding this stuff in for him as well, but how do you tell you’re father that you want to die? How do you put that on another person? I mean I have sort of talked about it with friends, but more in the sense that I never will kill myself, perhaps a reasurance to myself. The rest the other stuff he still doesn’t know about, well I don’t think he’d understand it, he didn’t understand the stuff I did tell him, but he wants to be there for me, as parents do. They want the best for their children – well most of them, the good ones and he’s a good one.
I’m hoping that things will get better or at least less bad, if I can get a job. That kind of seems odd, but being able to do things for other, things outside myself, sometimes it helps. It helps get me away from my own mind and can stop me from going to the dark places, sometimes. Sometimes it makes it worse. But I’ve got 2 job interview lined up, so hopefully I get one of them, plus I’ve been doing volunteering.
I did go volunteer with RDA, which was a lot different than I thought it was going to be. I thought they would have me, mucking out the stables and grooming the horse and that sort of things, but they want me to work with the children. Don’t get me wrong I like children and that’s not why I’m not sure if this is right for me. I think it’s more the lack of instruction I got there. I mean I feel like I have to the extra careful around kids, so not knowing what to do and not having the chance to ask questions about whether I can do this or that, made me feel uneasy. But I’m going to go back – if I don’t get a job on that day – and see how it goes. Plus on a more selfish note, running around after horses that I’ll never get to ride, can be kind of depressing, I mean just running around after them, nothing else. Not helping with the other aspects that I mentioned above.
Any ways I guess I just needed to write some stuff down.
Oh as of late I’ve been wanting to visit Scotland. Alright I’ve wanted to visit Scotland for a real long time, but now I’ve got more passion about it, although that takes money, which means I need I job. I did think about live in work, but I think I want to finish learning to drive, before moving from Bedford. I like to finish my commitments, that’s one of the reasons why I now have a degree, if I wasn’t someone who liked to finish commitments like that, then I probably won’t have one and would have dropped out sometime in second year. But I do, not that it’s really any use to me right now, actually in the job hunt, it seems to have been a hinderance more than useful, people are constantly asking me – in more or less words – why are you applying for this job, when you have a degree? I want to work, what’s so hard to understand about that and I’m not being that picky with the type of job I go for, but people seem confused that someone with a degree, would want to do jobs that are seen as lesser than or something like that.
Any ways hopefully soon I’ll be out of the job hunting game.