So a bunch of stuff has happened since the last time I posted… Well it sort of feels like it has, or maybe it hasn’t…
I still feel… odd… displaced… I don’t know what the right word is here… irritated… perhaps frustrated..?
It’s not like I haven’t felt like this before, but that doesn’t mean I’m any more equipped to deal with it and things are just… going no where and I’m not doing shit about it, because… I’m not completely sure.
It’s weird being out of University, although I think I’ve said that before and I’ll say it again, I’m sure. But the lack of anything in the future… sometimes I wish I had a dream job, or even I job I wanted, but I don’t, so I flounder around looking for something in that area of my life, while other areas probably need attention, but aren’t getting any and I just end up getting all worked up all by myself, like an idiot.
Recently I’ve taken to wearing a collar – or choker – whenever I go out and about. I can’t really give a satisfactory reason why, but it makes me feel better to wear one. It’s not like there’s some hidden deep meaning behind it – I don’t think – but somehow it just feels… right. Perhaps it’s the wasteland that is my love life and this is my way of surpressing that shit. Me, myself and I and an empty space in between.
Recently I joined fetlife, for several reasons. One of which is because I wanted to go to a Munch, but I still haven’t. There is one here in Bedford that happens every month, but I have yet to get the courage together to go. Social situations are scary sometimes – most of the time, when I’m alone – and walking into one with the kind of intentions I’ll have, behind going to a Munch, has just been too much for me, but then that’s also just an excuse.
One of my friends did show interest in going to one with me, but things there are… difficult and I think that’s down to me just as much, or perhaps more than her. But it’s hard not to feel something when someone ignores you, even if you find out later they had good reasons for that, lack of attention to detail when it came to you. Perhaps it’s just because of my ‘abandonment issues’ that this plays such a part in my relationships with others.
It’s late and I have to get up early tomorrow, because I have an appointment to get my next tattoo done and then my first driving lesson afterwards; don’t want to be falling asleep at the wheel.
I bet I’m going to read this back at a later date and laugh at myself…