Recently I’ve been feeling rather odd.
Perhaps because things are rushing towards me at a rate I can’t handle. In less than 2 weeks I’ve got to hand in my dissertation and I’ve still got the majority of it to write and then by the end of this week I’ve got to hand in my debate, which I’ve hardly thought about, because I’ve been focused on my dissertation and then in about a months time I’ve got my exams. I finally got my exam dates, which is sort of nice, so I can plan my revise better – although who knows if I’ll actually revise properly this time. After all that I’ve got my dissertation conference and then nothing… just the blank and uncertain future.
Perhaps it’s just fear of that uncertain future, which is making me feel this way. I feel as if my life is not my own, as if I’m a passive observer in all this and everything is just happening to someone else. Someone who looks like and acts like me, but isn’t me.
I just can’t wait until this is all over and I can relax. I’m thinking that once my exams and the conference are done, I’ll got see the father and his partner for a couple days and then come back to Bournemouth for work. Because I decided ages ago that I wanted to stay in Bournemouth as long as possible over the summer, so that I can work for as long as possible and earn a bunch, before heading back to the father’s and away from Bournemouth for good. I’m thinking that it probably won’t be easy to find a job once I’m there and if I have some money saved up, at least I won’t have to worry about that, for a bit while I relax and take things a little slow in the job hunting front. Since I don’t really know what I want to do and all.
But before any of that, I have to get through this last month (or so) of University stuff.
Today I’ve got my first assessment with a therapist. It’s an over the phone thing and I hoping it goes well, in the sense that I managed to be able to tell them everything that going on with me… We’ll see… I’m not particularly good at talking to people over the phone, so I’m not sure how it will all play out…