After all, I can walk away without you…

So I was going to write this post a couple days ago – Thursday or Friday I guess – but I ended up not doing it.

I had my second date with Mr. J. Before I go into the ’emotional stuff’ I’m just going to lay out what we did, I suppose.

We met up in the town centre an hour before the film was meant to start and went and got a drink, before going to buy snacks for the film, because I hardly ever actually buy snacks in the cinema anymore, since the prices are so high. Anyways we then head into the film ‘Ghost in a Shell’. I was quite disappointed with how white washed the film was, there was about three Asian character that actually got any screen time or lines and every other character was played by a white person. I was alright with the main character being played my Scarlett Johansson, but I was expecting the rest of the cast to the Asian or at least the majority, but no. I mean I did enjoy the film for the most part, but I’m not sure how true to the original it was, since it’s been forever.

So after the film we got pasties and went to sit in the gardens, because it was a lovely day and all that jazz. So we sat and chatted and ate and what not. After that we went a got a couple more drinks and chatted some more, it was all nice.

Then we went – on an adventure – to see one of his friends to pick up some stuff and that was interesting. After a couple hours there, we headed to his place… I’m not going to comment on that. On wards, after a bit of time spent there, we headed out to Sound Circus a club that he goes to a lot and has been going to for a long time. Got some more drinks once there and met a whole bunch of people that he knew/knew him. At this point I was sort of out of it, because of the drink – various other things – and I was dissociating all over the place.

So we spent some time there, then he walked me to a taxi and I hopped in and headed home.

Right so that’s what happened… Somewhere between his friends place and the club I realised something. I don’t think I want anything more than friendship from him. I feel bad about this purely because I do like him and he’s told me a likes me, but I can’t see anything else and I don’t want to hurt him. But there’s not much I can do. Any ways I saw him at work today and I didn’t know how to act. I think I was acting a little weird, but I didn’t stick around and left as soon as I could, although we did have a lot of prep to do for tomorrow, so that wasn’t as soon as I would have liked.

I gave my boss a vague breakdown of things when I went to work, since she asked me about it, so there is the possiblity that he will find out what I said to her, because she might tell her partner and he might tell him. Not that they’re gossips or anything, but her partner likes to get drunk after work and he might just spit it out without thinking about it and I kind of just assume she’s going to tell him, because she tells him everything – they’re nice and open like that.

But we’re only going to be bumping into each other at work for the next 2 months or so, because he’s booked the summer off and I’m leaving. So hopefully I’ll work out how I want to act around him and everything will be fine.

I think I just got wrapped in the fact that I could have ‘feels’ for anyone and didn’t stop to examine those feels before acting on them and that’s why I’m in this situation now. If we’re going to play the blame game then it lands squarely on my shoulders.

I feel like my cruelty is showing a little, so I’m going to leave this one here…

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