To Fall…

I tripped and skipped

Bumped and bashed,

Cut and bruised,

Burned and scarred,

As I fell all the way down,

But as I reached the endless bottom,

Of a void that never said ‘no’,

I thought the darkness would consum me,

And leave me to live alone,

But I found myself bathed in the light,

Of someone else’s torch beam,

And it hurt more than anything did before,

Leaving poison in a cut that was far too deep to clean.

 

I can feel myself falling…

Today was somewhat of a good day, which is probably why the emotional events of this evening have seemed more pronounced than perhaps they usually would.

I mean I didn’t get everything I wanted out of the day, but I did make Valentines day cards for my co-workers, which I found pretty sure and took me longer than I had thought, but I kind of wish I had something else creative to do. I’ve not celebrated Valentines day since… since I was a child I believe, I also got out of relationships before the day, because I know in pressure people can put on the day and I just didn’t want to deal with that. Honestly it was probably cowardly of me, but hey, sometimes I can be like that.

Any ways yeah, so since I’m not actually working on Valentines day, I’m probably going to give people their cards, this weekend or just leave them out at work, if I don’t end up seeing people. However I don’t particularly want to do that, because I have neglected to make one for one girl that works there – my cruelty is showing. Alright I don’t hate the girl or anything, but after hearing about the shit she puts people through and some of the stuff she’s done while I was working along side her – she doesn’t work in the kitchen, but on the bar, so we don’t really work together – I decided to be cruel and miss her out. She might be getting the sack soon any ways, as in she might have already been dismissed, because she refuses to take her piercing out while she’s at work.

I don’t really get it myself, but she uses the arguement that ‘they are a part of her’ but it’s just a couple hours a day and there’re not going to heal up that quickly. Apparently she said ‘she would rather get fired, than take them out’ so she’s made her bed and let’s see if they’ll make her lye in it.

But I guess I should address the start of this post I can feel myself fallig… I think I’ve stated in another post that recently my mood swings haven’t been like that ‘usually’ are. I mean they’re irregular, but I get them. But today, well this evening, well perhaps more yesterday evening, I had my first downward swing episode in a while and it scared me. Then I had a panic attack like thing – I don’t want to call it a panic attack really, because I was exactly panicing before it started happening, so calling it that doesn’t make complete sense to me – this afternoon and then this evening happened… It’s not like it was bad, nope it was pretty mild, well more like it is pretty mild, but I can feel it happened and it’s times like these that I wish I can just push a stop button or something, because I know it’s going to happened. I could be this evening, it could be tomorrow or the next day, but it’s coming – that sound so weird…

Any ways one sort of ‘sign’ I’ve found is a very in my head thing. It’s more or less my thought patterns, they change, shifting to darker and more negative and sometimes – all the time – violent things. Then there’s the… pain… I don’t know how to describe it better than that.

Alright part of me wants to go into detail about this, but there’s this little voice telling me that would be a bad idea, like I’d just be completely over sharing, so I’m keeping that secret, perhaps another time…

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