I don’t know why I called this post what I did. I just did… deal with it…
It’s times like these that I wonder… I am going to be able to stay like this?
For a while now I’ve been waiting… waiting for something that may never happen. You could say I’ve been waiting you myself to break, the way I usually do. Just enough to let out whatever darkness has built up inside me, but not enough for it to shatter me – criptic or what?
January is meant to be one of the most depressing months of the year, worldwide. I guess people don’t have a lot to look forward to. The days are still short, although their getting longer and it has been proven that sunlight can make you happier, or rather lack of sunlight can make you sadder, sure it’s not the only thing that will ever change a persons mood, but it can alter it a little and all that jazz. But for me this January hasn’t been so bad. The last couple of years, January has been spent in a spiral of… despair. But this year it’s been more… mild than that. I’ve had some extra highs, but not so many low lows and I’m glad and scared about that. I guess I got so used to the erratic ups and downs that now that they are less erratic is worries me; that my next down will be so extra I might just surrender to the void.
Maybe my cousellor was right and the extremeness of my swings served a purpose and they are no longer needed, which is a good thing right? It’s means something has changed… changed for the better?
It’s hard to say, when I can’t even remember a time that I wasn’t in some way like this. The memories before everything changed, don’t always feel like they’re even my memories. Maybe this is just the side effect of my newness dive into insanity, in the form of the creation of my alters – at least that’s what I call them.
Maybe I’ve just got so desensitised that I don’t even notice what’s happening anymore.
Now I’m not even sure I want to post this. I’ve found myself filtering myself more and more on here and I wish that I didn’t. I created this so that I wouldn’t have to filter myself…
Any ways my boss has been trying to get me to ask out one of my co-workers. I think she’s just bored and wants some entertainment, so I let it slip that I like dominant people, we sort of laughed it off, so everythings good. It’s not that I particularly want to hide that part of myself, it’s more like I had no idea how she would react and I didn’t want to create an uncomfortable working enviroment, since I like my job and want to keep it, until I leave Bournemouth – job hunting is hard.
That’s one of the reasons why I haven’t tried to progress my ‘relationship’ with Mr.J. That and the fact that he can be a bit submissive and I’m not sure if that’s just the way he is because he’s shy or something, or that’s a core part of him, so to speak. But hey, I’ve come close to just diving on in and hoping for the best.
Right I’m ending it here, but because I’m super tired… So I hope you have a nice, whatever time of day it is when you’re reading this.