One moment panic attack, the next screaming

I don’t like January, as my friend has said, January is the Monday of months and even if we got ride of it, that would just mean that February took it’s place.

I’ve got exams next week and I’m not ready… because I’m stupid like that and self destructive and I live in this bubble when something that make me anxious is coming up and then it happens and the bubble pops and I’m just there, trying to make my way through whatever it is, all by myself once again…

I’ve been doing the usual for this month, at least it’s become the usual. I’ve not been sleeping properly, so I hardly have any energy and then I’ve been living on rice cakes, even though I have food in the fridge and all that jazz, I just can’t eat. I know it’s stupid and I’m only hurting myself by doing this, but I guess you could say that’s one of the reasons why I do it, for the pain. To satisfy the sick side of me that can’t live without the pain. I feel like I got so used to it, that I don’t know how to live without it or something like that.

I’ve been fixating on everything but my exams and taking extra shifts at work in an attempt to cover the time with something more important than just lazing around; sitting and wishing that next week was over already and I could breath normally again.

Alright so I’m worried more than worried that I’m not going to pass these exams, for a thousand reasons, but one is out of my control. I can’t read properly at the moment. My left eye is still messed up and reading is a challenge. Part of me is thinking that I should just try and get my exams postponed or something, until my eye is better, but the rest of me just wants to get them over with and not have to worry about them when I have assignments and my dissertation due, which has been haulted again, because my supervisor is so slow to reply to my emails. I know it has to professional and all that jazz, but I’m worried I’m not going to get enough participants now… I’ve been worried about that for a while.

As much as I wish I wasn’t I’ve been thinking about the future, it’s less anxiety enducing than thinking about the exams and I want to go and live in some place like Norwich, maybe it’s just because I started watching this vlogger/youtuber that lives there and she always talking about stuff that I like and want to do and all that jazz, so it just seems like the place for me or something. I mean I still want to travel and go around the world, but until all the University shit is under the bridge and all that jazz, then I’m planning on staying in the UK… mostly. Perhaps nearer the end of this year or the start of next I’ll be able to do that or perhaps I’ll become one of those people that doesn’t reach their dreams… I’m not in very positive place right now, for many reasons.

It feels like quite a few aspects of my life aren’t going too well; University, my love life, just to name a couple.

Alright that was just a way to go into talking about Mr. J. I told myself I’d get over this thing, this year and as now I’m thinking of pushing back the date, it’s kind of nice having something to think about in that aspect of my life, I’m not even sure if I want anything to happen there anymore.

Any ways on a less better note, I’ve been designing a new tattoo that I want. It’s got to do with love and being in love; sort of. But I’ve also been planning where/when to get my next tattoo. I’m thinking that I might go to the same place as my friend Adorned Tattoo, instead of Titanic.

Alrighty so I was just procrastinating on Facebook and found Legend of Zelda had posted and video, so of course I watched it and they’ve announced a release date for breath of the Wild. I literally screamed and it’s right before my birthday, so I could use any bday money I get to buy the game and console, because I don’t have a compatible console at the moment… I was so excited… just another reason for January to end faster… ZELDA


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