I burned all your pictures, but I can’t get rid of your guitar. It sits on my back like a shadow, a reminder of who you were.
Why did you leave me, why did you run away. I didn’t ask for exposure or for other to see. All I wanted was for you too see right through me.
I’ll keep my mouth shuty, as you climb higher, so you won’t know inside me the screaming is getting louder.
So I’ve been picking up some extra shift at work, since I don’t have to go into University this week and if I wasn’t working I’d probably just be lazing around the house not doing anything productive.
Alright it’s wrong and I know it’s wrong, but there was part of me that was hoping that because I’m working four instead of two days this week, I’d get to spend some time with the guy – who works on the bar – that I’m into. But no such luck.
This is silly, I feel stupid thinking like that though. Like ‘will I see him today?’ and then getting a little sad because he’s not on, alright there’s a multitude of reasons, but one of them is because of my new self imposed time limit. Christmas or New years, because they are both sort of the same in this sense, will be the end of my rumination on him. I don’t need the extra mental workout.
Although if past relationships are any indicator, then I’m can be a bit of a liar, when it comes to such things. I mean I say one thing, but if the other person doesn’t want that then I might change and go against what I’ve said. I guess it’s my people pleasing side coming out or something. I mean if it’s something I have strong opinions about then I can be pretty damn stubborn, but hey who doesn’t get a bit stubborn now and then..?
I feel like I’m turning into the sort of girl I used to get confused by, back when I didn’t have, what I now refer to as, an almost full emotional range. I mean I say I didn’t – back then/a few months ago, don’t – get crushes because I had a sophisticated way of dealing with my feels and the only reason I ever saw it as that, is because my cousellor told me so, before that I thought the way I would deal with my feelings wasn’t the right way to go about things, but I didn’t have another way. Now I wih I hadn’t listened to her and had just kept on doing what I was doing. When she told me that the way I went about things was right, I got too in my head about it and then stoppped doing it, but I’m no putting all the blame on her, I wanted to change for a long time. You know what they say, ‘the grass is always greener on the other side’ well I’m on my way at least to the other side and I can see the brown patches in the grass. But at least I can relate to silly girly dramas in chick films a little better now and my friend, since she’s going through a weird crush right now, although I still sometimes get confused by her, so… yeah… perhaps I’m not all the way over yet…
Alright this has been a weird post and honestly part of me doesn’t want to post it, but hey what does it matter? Maybe one day far far in the future I’ll look back on this post and laugh about how silly I was, or cry or some other emotion, I’m hoping it will be a happy one…