I lift right out…

The moon was full, shinning bright cold light into the room. Eliminating the devastation before the girls eyes.

She stared almost lifelessly at the man’s body.

Lying on the old clumpy mattress of the bed, where only moments ago she had lain. Her breath coming short from her lips, as adrenaline swam through her veins.

His dull lifeless eyes, stared down at her; Wide with shock and fear. The light of the moon reflected in them, as if to veil the cruelty of their gaze.

So I don’t think I actually said this in my last post about last weekend, I might have, but I’m saying it again in this. But I didn’t tell anyone, as in my housemates and such – that I was going to London and they still don’t know, as far as they know, they just didn’t see me until late on Sunday night when I got back in, honestly they might just think that I went to work like normal and had a long day, it wasn’t like I came home stinking of booze or disappeared for a whole week or some shit.

But in all honestly disappearing for long – or short – periods of time is something I do… sometimes. Most of the time it will be more like I’ll just not be active online and won’t take call or answer texts or anything like that and people won’t see me for a little while and that’s mainly when I’m in a down and can’t leave my room because the thought of just opening my door makes me want to hurt myself and sometimes I do – woah that got dark fast. Any ways, the thought of just one day dropping out of everyone I knows life, isn’t something that seems like a bad idea to me, sure the reason I haven’t done it is because I love my friends and family and won’t want them to think I’m dead somewhere, but staying connected to people isn’t something I do well and sometimes I just want to… run away from everyone, so it’s probably all about that feeling – that’s probably why I’ve never had a long-term relationship.

But yeah, thinking about the future recently has got me thinking on this topic, like what if I got a job in some other country and just pack my bags and go, no explanation, not telling anyone where I’m going, just go. Sure I’d text the father or something to let him know I’m fine, but like I said, I love my friends and family… as much as they sometimes piss me off and make me cry, I won’t be here without them – literally, not that they know that. Maybe it’s just because I’m a secretive person and recently I feel like I’ve gotten too close to some people, although at the same time, I feel like I’m not as close with people as I was when I was younger – weird huh.

Any ways this was kind weird, kinda long and I had no idea where it was going when I began it, post…

Right recently I’ve been trying to get my ethical approval and haven’t been doing so well on that – I mean for my dissertation – and it’s been stressing me out. I keep thinking ‘right I’ve done everything they ask, that’s it’ and then I submit, and it comes back with more notes. I get that it has to be right, but yeah, it’s getting to me, that they don’t just tell me everything wrong with it straight up, so I can fix it all. But hey I’m trying and failing at this point. I’m vaguely afraid I’m not going to actually get a degree at this point and have just wasted three years if my life – not that I would have done anything truely productive with those three years if I hadn’t gone to University, I mean maybe I would have just spent them trying to get my Novella published, ah I don’t want to think about the possibility that I could be a published Author right now if I hadn’t gone to University, no regret… hopefully…

Let’s just stop shall we..?

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