Label me whatever, brand me forever

So I was reading one of my posts, it wasn’t written all that long ago in the grand scale of things, but in it I wrote ‘the same way I knew I was bisexual even before I had kissed either sex, although I did repress that side of myself due to the horror that is socialization’. It was a post about sexuality and sexual preferences and other such things, but the fact that then when I did identify as bisexual, I really did think that that was what my – for lack of a better word – label. I mean I’ve known since I had sexual feels towards another human beings, that I like everyone.

Not in the sense that I just liked everyone that crossed my path, but gender was never something I thought about. Until it was…

So yes from a very early age I knew I was pansexual. I just didn’t know what the word was for it and when I found out bisexual, I thought oh, that must be it, because there’s only two genders out there right? Wrong! I openly admit my ignorance of this topic and I’m still learning and happy to find out more.

Sex, sexuality, sexual prefereces – basically anything starting with sex I guess – is something that interest me. Like now it’s pretty normal for people to say that people who are homosexual are born that way. It’s not a choice, it’s the way they were made. But what about transexual people? I’m sure quite a few people would want to label that a choice, but is it? I mean are there some transexuals that wake up one day and just realise, like a lightbulb coming on, or is it from the beginning of gender identification that they don’t feel right in the gender they have been labelled as?

Considering that studies have shown that very young children, can’t actually identify gender past physical attributes, it’s kind of a super interesting subject.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to be little anyone who’s transexual or somehow say that it’s not a real thing or anything like that. It’s just a wonder, when does it occure. The ephiphany moment…

I mean I’m sure quite a few queer people went through the whole sexuality journey, who am I, phase – I’m included – but is it like that or different. I’m sure in a lot of cases there’s still the whole wanting to be what you’re told you should be phase – I went through that as well, although apparently that made some people think I was a lesbian, but hey I’m not too bothered with that diagnosis.

But yeah… I guess it’s all very complicated and can’t be summed up in just a sentence or a word. Everyones different, so the experience is going to be different for everyone. I mean there was a time I wanted to be a male, but not because I want to be a male, it’s hard to explain, but I’m not transexual. I just didn’t fit in with the people around me – males – so to fit in I wanted to become one. I guess that’s the simplest way of explaining what was going through my head.

Any ways so this post was completely different than the one I had in mind when I began thinking about doing a post this evening. I’ve been reading one of my favourite BDSM volumes and I was going to be a post surrounding that and other stuff that’s been going on lately, but looks like that’s gone out the window, but I’ll share something little I wrote after reading a chapter;

I am broken, but not gone.

So I wish for nothing more, than your ropes, which bind me tightly, to but brake me further. Until they do shatter me.

I just got a little inspired and something like this came to me. Unfortunately it’s not s nicely worded as I would have liked, between the time I thought of it and the time I wrote it down, some of the eliquant had gone from it, but hey I still think it’s alright and I hope it get’s the message across.

But yeah I’ve like – I might even go as strong as loved – the author of this series, since I was about 12 or so. So I’ve enjoyed their work for a good while now and they’re still goig, which makes me so happy. Whenever something new of theirs comes out, I just want to read it right then, but I also want to savour it because, there won’t be more for a while. I guess I’m just being a fan-girl. But then I’m not what I see as the steretypical fan-girl, I don’t idolise the people I like as supernovas, like some fans I know do.


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