I didn’t want to say no, and yet you did nothing to stop me…

Life is hard amd then you die.

So when you fall and cry, remembern that when you are dead and gone, other’s will follow, other’s will mourn.

So last weekend, well to be specific, last friday, I went back to the Shire again to spend time with the girls. In the end not all of them, but still it was a nice weekend. I also met up with my brother and we went bowling together and had a nice chat and I came out to him. It was pretty much the same as when I came out to the other two members of my family.

He didn’t know what Pansexual meant and I had to explain it to him as best I could, which lead to an interesting conversation, about gender and sexuality. He believes that there are only 3 genders, male, female and then trans. The way he sees it, is that a persons gender is tied to their medical needs and physical appearance, as in what genitalia they have – penisĀ  and no breasts or vagina and breasts. Althought he doesn’t want to offend people who identify as genderfluid – but he hasn’t met anyone like that – he said he couldn’t really get his head around the idea and would want to talk to one, before changing his veiws at all. But then he’s like that formulating his opinion based on the facts he has, but still open to change if new facts come to his attention, so I got where he was coming from. I do believe in there being more than 3 genders – in a way, but then I guess that depends on what you define gender as, he was saying that we need a new word or something instead of gender, because using gender is too confusing for most people.

Any ways after I explained to the best of my small ability what Pansexual is, he asked me if I was dating/going to date anyone and I said no, then told him I was a commitment phob, so he shouldn’t expect me to he introducing him to anyone any time soon. He was fine about the whole thing, which is basically what I expected. It’s nice to know my family is as open as I thought.

So yeah… this weekend was fun, until I got back to Bristol and found a bowl of maggots where the left over cat food was and some other rotten things – not fun. The house is still a little smelly today, even though I tried to air it all out, by opening all the windows I could, some of them are locked and some are just out of my reach, because I’m not tall enough.

Although I had a good time this weekend, it has truely dawned on me how much money I’ve been spending just to go see my friends for a few days, alright some of the times I’ve gone and stayed for a while – couple days or so – but this time it was 2 nights 1 day and although I did have a good time, doing that again just doesn’t seem as worth it as I would like. I spend over a hundred pounds on train tickets this month alone. Alright I was expecting to have to shell out for trains and what not, but now my friends are planning more one night things and it’s sort of bumming me out, since I’m going to have to say that if it’s only one night/ one day sort of things I can’t come.and noone likes missing out.

But to make myself feel a little better, I decided to go on anyone trip, another escape, like I did for my birthday. Wandering around drinking in the countryside or something like that. So I think I’ve decided where and I did invite those same friends, but this time I’m not going to work around them so to speak, or I feel like it will never happen. I’ve sort of put it out there as my thing, that they can join and I’m honestly not expecting much out of it. I’ve also been looking up more festivals, as I’ve only been able to go to one so far this summer and that’s one of the things I wanted to do this summer. A friend from uni has said that she wants to go to Lakefest, so I might go to that with her, if I can work out how I’m going to get there and all that jazz. Honestly getting anywhere in the West Midlans area from Bedford is a hassle and I’m meant to be moving to the new house next week, but I did ask if I could stay an extra week or that move has been pushed back to monday after next I guess or something like that, in true I don’t really want to move there now. I kind of don’t see the point at the moment, but I do like the house and they did do my rom up all nice for me, so I’d feel bad not using it, although I’ll only be there for 2 weeks maximum, because I want to move back down to Bournemouth on the 1st of September, so that I can choose which room I get, I know selfish, but hey sometimes you’ve got to look out for number one – I can be a selfish and cruel person sometimes, but we try…

Also when I was waiting for my connect train, since I missed the first one because my first train was super late getting into the station, I saw an old friend. We sort of lost touch over the past couple years, but yeah, it was quite weird, I just looked up and she was there. I didn’t say hi mostly because I was slightly in shock at the coincidence and because by the time I found my voice, a few moments later, she was jumping on the train and heading off. But after I got back – as in today – I contacted her on facebook and we had a nice little chat. It would be nice to meet up, but looks like our schedules are a little out of sink unfortunately, as she still lives in the Shire, but I live in Bristol, which she visitas and I guess has a place in as well, since she’s a student here, but I’m going to Bedford halfway through next month and she doesn’t have plans to come down to Bristol before that. It’ all a little … complicated I guess. Maybe I’m just reaching out to old friends, because I’m feeling a little lost in the group of old friends I’ve kept in touch with or something, but for whatever reason I feel the desire to reconnect, it’s there and I’,m trying, which is better than sitting idly on my thumps – is that how the saying goes, I can’t remember, something like that right?

Any ways today has been… oh I can’t really sum it up, this morning wasn’t so bad, I did next to nothing and watched Crimson Peak. Now I’m not much of a horror film watcher or anything, now and then, but not my favourite genre, so not a lot, but Crimson Peak I liked, but then again I wouldn’t really describe it was Horror horror, sure it had some scary bits and some bits to make you jump, but it didn’t seem like it was written to just scare the shit out of you, more thriller, psycholigical, detective thing – light on the detective though. But I liked it all the same, probably because it wasn’t horrohor horror and more psychological in nature.

I’ve stopped writing again, I mean I’ve written tiny snippets, but whenever I sit down to write, nothing come or what does come is terrible and I just want to delet it all. I’m not sure if it’s because I have no idea where i=this story is going or if it’s something else. I might just be getting bored of it, but it doesn’t feel like that, I just feel… empty of inspiration I guess is a way to describe it. Although I have been enjoying the book I’ve been reading at th moment; Shadow study, the lastest book in the study series – as I tend to call it, I have no idea if other people call it that or not, but the aauthor calls them Chronicles of Ixia novels.

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