There is no pain in acceptance, only danger in conviction and disaster in desire.
All fall at the feet of wonder, as we push ourselves to fly higher.
So I went to the new house with the father over the weekend. It was nice, quite large rooms with lots of light and space and my bedroom was done, well as done as it’s going to get for now, so I could start unpacking my stuff, which I what I did for most of the weekend, inbetween blistering headaches, sneaking out for cigarettes and trying to act welcoming to guests.
The father’s girlfriends brother’s family came down for the day on Saturday, so we went to the river festival which was happening close by, so close that we could hear it loud and clear from the house. Which the – father’s – girlfriend said she liked, because it was ‘like you could just get up and go to it if you wanted to’ I got what she was saying, but didn’t quite agree with her. For people like me – not to sound too… you know? – being able to hear something you want to go to, but not being able to go – for one reason or anyone – isn’t usually a nice thing. Usually for me I can’t go to said thing, because I can’t leave the house, just the thought of doing it sends me spiraling into hyperventaliting and other nasty things ensue.
Speaking of things I won’t be going to… I was meant to be going to a festival with my friend over this weekend, but that won’t be happening anymore. I was meant to be doing quite a bit with her this week, but none of the ‘plans’ we had set out for this week will be happening, because her grandparents or grandparent rather, is sick. It makes me more mad that I can’t be mad that’s she bailing on me, again… But then when I actually think about it, I’m not mad at her in the slightest, more mad at myself. But that’s something to talk about with a cousellor or therapist.
So yeah, this weekend wasn’t the best weekend, but it wasn’t a bad weekend really. Apart from the headaches that won’t go away and this strange feel that something is physically wrong with me, which has been bugging me since Saturday, things are… fine… just fine.