Free > me

Your lips taste like damage

Your heart is made of stone

Your eyes look like suicide

And I hate it when we’re alone

But if you say you love me

I’ll stay with you tonight

And if you say my scars are beautiful

I’ll be yours alright.

So I’ve sort of been wallowing in self pitty/hatred the last couple days and what did I do while like that… I shopped, well online, which is probably worse than going into an actually shop from someone like me, because it doesn’t truely feel like I’m spending anything, you know what I mean. Anyways so I did something probably stupid and definitely bad for my health. I went and bought three-nine – I’ve written the numbers because my three, four and five button have deicded to commit communal suicide – I say three to nine, because I don’t actually rememver how many I bought, any ways thre to nine cartons of cigarettes.

I mean I have been smoking more, but I didn’t want to become that sort of smoker – a real one. But the brand were going out of stock, well at least their hard to come by in th UK, even though their meant to be made here, which I don’t get, so I was like ‘fuck it’ I want to try them and I have the money I saved over the last year at University – you can’t take it with you (when you die, if that wasn’t clear). I mean I didn’t only buy cigarettes, I also bought the next book in one of the series I’m reading – House of Night series, I believe I’m on book 7 now. Unfortunately the book in the series I’ve just finished, the next book won’t be out til next year – if they publish one a year – it’s The Sin eater’s Daughter, I was a little surprised with the way the recent one was done/written (The Sleeping prince) but it was still an enjoyable read and I did want there to be a sequel and now there is, so yay!

I decided it would be a good idea to get my mind off the stuff that is making me sad – or some emotion close to that, I want to peel off my own skin at some point (literally) – by looking up what people can do for free over the summer, well free festivals and the like, there are actually quite a few, now I’m just trying to entice my friends to go with me, but I think I may have made one of them – from bournemouth, the one I had drinks with – mad, I’m not sure, but her replies to my messages have drastically changed, it may just be because she’s have a busy summer and  – no not put it delicately – can’t be bothered with me, or she maybe mad because she might think I lied to her, which I did not – technically – I mean I never said I was, but then I never said I wasn’t and she couldn’t really have expected me to invite heralong considering, but hey ho – that probably made no sense at all, because ya’ll don’t know what I’m talking about.

Onwards, I really want to go to Pride with year, although there doesn’t seem to be one anywhere where the father has a place I could crash at, I’m always continuing my coming out spree – or something like that – I decided to finish coming out to the rest of the family, as in the brothers, because the other members of my family can find out about it whenever, since I hardly ever see them, then again I hardly ever see my brothers these days… any ways I thought it was a good idea to text my oldest brother telling him that I had something I need to tell him and the other bro, then of course he rang me, think he was a little concerned, but I want to do this face to face, not over the phone, so ended up refusing to tell him, but just reassured him that it wasn’t something bad or anything – well I guess it is if you’re a homophobic, but I pretty sure he’s not, so we’re all good on that front.

Any ways me and the girls were talking about going to Manchester for a night out, so I can meet up with him then and tell him the or something like that I guess…

Right I’m going to ranting and raving and whatever else you can call this post…

One last thing… I’m thinking about self publishing, just short stories, because I feel like I’ve sort of been reglecting my writting, I mean I typed up one of novel idea – what I had hand written – and that’s the biggest creative writting thing, I’ve done in what feels like years – not quite, but hey ho. So I’m thinking about self publishing something, maybe just a bunch of short stories, or one of my longer short stories, I mean it would be nice if I could make a little money off of them and also to see if people respond to them, but I have no idea about all this, so I have no idea what I’m doing and I don’t feel like it would be a good thing to go in blind, since it’s not a novel, I’m not sure if Amazon will be the best place, but that seems like the easier and biggest platform for someone like me, since I don’t see myself doing a whole bunch – meaning any – marketing for it really, I mean Imight spred the word on my platform like this, but anything with my real name on, it probably won’t turn up there and if it does, I might just say it’s something ‘one of my friends wrote’ and I’m helping her promote, but since I’ve asked a bunch of my friends to read my stuff, that lie would probably be burst right away.

Any ways I said I was going to stop so I am…

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