Squeeze me, please me, never leave me

Just another day in the life of the average University student, who’s no liking what she’s see, so she wants to drown her displeasure…

So my last post seems to be more popular than I would have thought, I mean it is a coming out story, which I guess people like to read about for one reason or another, but it’s not like it’s dramatic or anything, maybe that’s why, it shows how the world is changing to accept other sexual identities and all that jazz.

Any ways, the father found out that I wear a waist trainer and so did his girlfriend. So I tried to play it cool, with the whole, warped body idea, this is the most healthy way I could see to do something about it, but they didn’t get it. She was all “love the skin your in” which is great and fine, but saying and doing are completely difference things. I applaud those who do love the skin their in, even though they may not fit with societies impossible image of how a woman should look, but I’m not there yet. I don’t think I will even really be there. I mean I never used to worry about the way I look, it was childhood bliss, but now there are only off days when I don’t care and the rest of the time I’m super self conscious.

This whole this is like when I was in the full grasp of my eating disorder – for lack of a better word, because I never really thought about it that way. People would tell me to eat and they were doing it because they were worried about me and everything and part of me knew that, but everytime they said something it just made me annoyed and angry. It was like they weren’t seeing me just the disorder and it wasn’t like I wasn’t trying all by myself to get better or anything, it was actually when I started to try and eat again, that people starting making comments. Any ways it’s the same thing, when someone tell me to “love my body” or whatever it just make me a bit annoyed.

But hey I know they’re just trying to help, because they don’t want me to hurt myself and all that jazz, so I try not to get annoyed at them and remind myself of that fact.

There are a lot of factors that go into the way I feel about my body and it’s not just all trying to conform to the media image of beauty or trying to stay tiny and skinny, because as I have said before I don’t like too skinny, you know sickly skinny and I don’t want to look like that myself, because all I think when I see people like that is “how can I help that person” or something to that effect. I know some people are like that naturally and it’s sad when people get all aggressive towards them for it, sure tryig to help others is a good thing, but bullying them into submitting to your idea of the ideal body type, is not.

alcoholism

But moving on. I’m a little torn today. My friend was back where I used to live – Herefordshire, for those of you that don’t know it’s over by Wales – is having a cocktail party (thing) this saturday, which of course I want to go to, because I’m a bit of an alcoholic – even my cousellor warned me about becoming dependent of the stuff – and I haven’t seen the girls since New Years and even then it wasn’t all of them, so it would be nice to meet up and everything. But I already said that I would go to the new house with the father and girlfriend, to paint my new room.

I feel bad bailing to go have fun with my friends, because I already said I’d do it and this is basically the last weekend I can, because the next 2 I’m going away to Lanzarote and then they’re hoping to move in. I would just go from Bedford, but it take all day and it’s really expensive, so that’s not really an option in this case unfortunately – I’m going to have to get used to spending a shed load to go see those girls, so I’m hoping they let me crash at their places ever time I go.

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