Rip me open in those beautiful ways…

Promise me forever and the day that forever ends, I shall give you everything.

So I haven’t really been writing recently, well I haven’t been writing what I want to write about. This semester has been… horrible. It feels like they’ve felt everything til the last semester and now I have an asignment a week to complete all the way up til when my first exam starts. I’m hopeing to get everything done next week, then I can revise for my exams, but with my track record, I’ll be doing them all the night before and cramming for my exams.

It’s not like I want to be like this, but I have to hurt myself somehow and right now thi seems better than cutting.

So I did something potentially stupid; I told some of m friends that I’m bipolar. They took it alright. I mean one of them acted like she was watching a horror film, hide. While the other talked about this girl she knows who has bipolar and how her pills zonked her out when she first started taking them. So yeah I’ve only told two of them. I’m… scared to tell the others. I mean it’ll probably put some things into… perspective for them I guess, like the epsiodes I’ve had when with them and all that jazz. But I don’t want them to start walking around on egg shells around me because of it. I’m exactly the same person, I just now know why I am the way I am, at least a little bit. I’m not actually taking anything for it atm, which I don’t want to change, since I don’t think I’m too… extreme.

I had to watch this documentary thing on being bipolar for my course and I was t=like the people in the video, but also not, although they were all a lot older than me, and one was talking about how she was worried her children would be bipolar. I don’t think that it was cause by my childhood trauma, because I’ve been thinking about it, and I’m pretty sure I was like this before all that, although I might dare to say that the trauma didn’t help.

I guess the next step would be to tell the father, but since I still haven’t told him I’m pansexual, I don’t see that happening too soon. Not that I don’t want to or anything, it’s just… hard to talk about emotional things with him, that’s not really on him or anything, I find it hard to talk about emotional shizz with anyone, but yeah… I will do it, someday.

Anyways the summer holiday with the girls – the number has dropped to just 3 of us now – has finally been sorted- YAY! So we’re going to Lanzarote in the middle of June for a week. It should be good. One of them was looking up things to do and apparently cammel riding is an option, so we’re all looking forward to possible riding aroun cammels.


I went to Lanzarote with the family a couple years ago – means quite a few years ago, because time is nearly meaningless in my memory – to go windsurfing, which was fun.

So yeah that’s all sorted… I’m also planning to get some more piercing this summer time, although now I’m thinking after the holiday, because you’re meant to wait a couple weeks before going swimming with new piercings and since my ears did get infected, I want to try and not let that happen again. Any who, I want to get a Helix piercing in my right ear and an industrial piercing in my left, I’m also debating a lower lip piercing and a nostril or septum piercing, but I know that facial piecing do change the way employers look at you, nostril piercing are usual alright and sometime you can turn up septum piercing to hit them, but yeah. Since I’m not sure what job I might go for after university and then of course I want to keep working part time while still at university, I don’t want to miss out on something good just because I have facial piercing, but yeah, that’s why I’m still debating. I’ve also been on the hunt for a tattoo parlour to go to.

I was going to go this one just down the road from the new house, but now I’m not so sure. I like the tattoo they have in their gallery – on their website – but it’s not like I feel like ‘that’s the place’ or anything, so I’m still looking but it is my firt tattoo, although I am willing to spend a pretty penny on it, since I want it to be nice, since it’s for my mother and all that jazz – I want to get a Monarch butterfly, with the words, Nunquam Subpono and perhaps EM on my calf. Then I’m just debating the placement of my other tattoo. I like the idea of getting my rose and lily on my hand, but then again that’s not an easy place to cover, I mean you can wear gloves. I also though about just making a leg sleeve or of thing or something, but I know I want one of them on the back of my neck/shoulder blade area/ Although apparently that’s one of the painful places, but no pain no gain, that’s why I’m not getting that one first.

I’ve also been mulling over getting and Ida – the silent princess – tattooo, perhaps with the sacred geometry and crows, but I’m not sure. I mean I love it now, but will I love it in say 10 years? Who knows. Then I want to get a semicolon tattoo – for obvious reasons – and a red thread of fate tattoo.

I love Monument Valley fanart, it’s all so creative and beautiful…

I’m a little scared to get my first tattoo, since it could turn out horrible and then just getting it done. I have no idea how I’m going to handle the pain,  could be fine, I could not do too well. It’s been a while since anyone other than myelf hurt me, so I honestly don’t know my threshold anymore.

Recently I realised that one of the people I’ll be living with next year, has the pansexual flag as part of her facebook profile picture. So I’m wondering if she is pan, or she just thought those colours were pretty or something – I mean I’m pretty sure a lot of people don’t know about the pansexual flag, my friend thought it was the bisexual flag or something when I wore it, so yeah.


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