Once I was told; If it hurts, keep making it hurt, until it stops or it brakes you. So I guess I should keep living this way, becase it hurts…
I’m Hungry but I don’t eat.
I’m Tired but I don’t sleep.
Because underneath everything I see is the reminiscent of something Clean.
I’m spiraling a little here. Today has been… emotional and I haven’t even left the flat. No wait I did I went to get the mail, findings another ‘we missed you’ letter thing in the porch. It’s really annoying, me because they delivered outside of their own delivery times, but tomorrow I’m just going to get up at like 8:30 and wait for the fucking thing. I’m not even sure what the hell it is, it could be nothing to get excited about and all this fuss over nothing really.
I’m not doing so well… I mean I keep trying to make things happen recently, but my dependency on others is… I don’t want to say weighing me down, because that casts them in a bad light, but… that’s all I can think of to explan. It’s really on my end, I’m just getting frustrated all by myself, as usuall – this too shall pass or something like that.
I’m still tracking my mood on this app and it posts all of it, so that everyone on the app can see, unless you pay, which I’m not willing to do, so now and then I get comments. They’re all nice and lots of people ask if I want to talk and all that jazz. It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s just I find it hard to. I’ve trained myself not to.
Alright so recently I’ve realised I have this weird thing that I do. I never really thought about it before because it was sort of jokey or whatever. Whenever someone put something near my mouth – not just anything, but a wide range of things – the first thing I think to do is open my mouth. I just think it kind of wrong, that that’s my first response. I realised at work not long ago, when one of my coworkers put something, I think it was a bar, maybe, near my mouth and I almost opened it. It was weirdly hard to stop myself.
Alright I do see myself as a sexual person nad I do admit to having a mouth kink, but I feel that this shouldn’t be my first response, like there should be something that comes before that.
Any ways I told the father that I don’t know what I want to do once I leave University, well I sort of did. He seemed cool with it, but I couldn’t see his face, so I’m not sure, he sounded ok with it. I mean my oldest brother has only just really got a proper plan for his life in the past couple years and he six years older than me, so I think that’s prepared him, in the way that he’s not gunna freak if I take some time to… find my groove or whatever. As long as I’m doing something and not just lazing around and all that jazz and I don’t want to just lazy around, in all honesty I want to get out there, see the world and that jazz. But I’m not exactly Miss Extravert or anything, we’ll see what happens. Maybe someone will like my dissertation or something and things will take off from there, or maybe I’ll fall in love with someone while I’m working abroad and end up staying in New Zealand for the rest of my life. The future is made of possibilities and I want to embrace them and not be pessimistic all the time, because I sure can be sometimes – all the time.
So I found a tattoo parlour/shop which is like 20 minutes or so away from the new house, the father has got and I thought why not invite myself down to see the new house and then get a tattoo at the same time, because if I don’t get one soon, I’ll have to wait until mid June/ early July to get one, because it’s not a good idea to go swimming right after getting one and since I want to be causious, since I’ll be – hopefully – abroad. A little research online and it seems that a month is the recommended amount of time to wait because going swimming in pools and the sea after getting a tattoo. I mean some people say 2-4 weeks but might was well be safe than sorry and all that jazz.