I’m cold in here…

I’m a dreamer.

Sometimes I think I fall in love with the idea of something more than the actual thing. I mean I guess it’s just because ever year I tell myself next year, next year will be or next year I’ll be… but I never get there.

It’s all next year I’ll be stable and happy, but then the next year rolls about and I’m still the unstable mess of a person that I am.

The year before last it was next year I’ll find someone, who has the same sexual preferences as me and don’t get me wrong I looked, a bit, but things just didn’t work out. Which is why I’m now horny and alone. Perhaps I’m fixating on this, because I’ve seen so many people talking about being alone for v-day, which is usually just another day for me and well it’s my time of the month and I always get more horny then, so I think the mixture of the two, has left me thinking about this subject.

Maybe it’s just because I’m exploring my new kink, at least that’s what I’m defining it as – for now. Because mouth fetish just doesn’t seem to be right for me, but then even with kinky stuff I still feel like an outsider a lot of the time. Maybe it’s in my nature to be an outsider, of sorts.

Any ways I’ve signed a contract for a place for next september, so I’m stuck with what I’ve got. It’s not like I think I won’t get along with the couple – yes a couple – that we’re going to be living with next year, but I found out their first years, which means they have probably only been together for a few month, unless they followed each other to the same university and somehow got into the same house, but who knows, stranger things have happened. I’m just afraid of break up I guess, it can make living awkward as hell and not just for the couple. But hopefully that won’t happened, for my sake as well as theirs – yes selfishness.

Any ways with all that sorted, I don’t want to punch my flatmate in the face anymore, she spent an entire afternoon trying to guilty trip me into signing for a place I wasn’t sure about. I did sign in the end, despite her. It didn’t help that I was… let’s say on a down right then, since I’ve had this weird and horrible headache for the past few days, it’s alright when I’m standing up, but if I bend down then it’s like all the blood rushs to my head and tries to get out the top – if that makes sense – then I had really bad cramps just before she started trying to guilty trip me. I’ve been fortunate previously with cramps, since I usually only get them on the first and last days and if I do get inbetween their not really bad at all, but this was horrible and not one to complain about phyisical pain, well actually pain in general most of the time – I mean I do on here, but somehow that’s different in my eye – I didn’t say anything to anyone, although I had to ask my boss for a paracetamol at work, because I was starting to get dizzy with the pain.

Any ways she came to my door at one point after I’d got back from doing a study at University – we have to participate in so many studies to get credits for our course – and she was just knocking on my door and shit, so I just ignored her. I did not want to deal with anymore of her shit right then. I think I was being a little over emotional, since I know I get irritated way more easily when I’ve got mother nature visiting. But still she ended up sending me into a spiral. I know I’m reinforcing my own bad habits and I really should, because I think I could serious damage something – but the part of me that comes out when I spiral doesn’t care about that – but putting my fingers to my throat and pressing until I can’t really breath… I’m not at all sure where it came from, but when I go too far that’s what I do now. I’m not a cutter, but doesn’t mean I don’t self harm, I just don’t want anyone to know, so cutting off my oxygen somehow became the logical move.

Any ways that’s my rant of the day about her, I just need to get some of shit out, before I actually do punch her, because I really don’t want to do that. As went she’s not being a selfish bitach, she’s fun to hang out with. In this case the juice could be worth the squeeze – if she don’t know where that’s from, ah well…

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