When I fall, don’t try to catch me…

Every moment with you is like a cigarettes worth of a daydream.

Alright so it seems putting my writings at the top of my posts is a new things I’m doing – just clearing that shit up, not that anyone asked.

So I watched Showgirls today, which was a mistake. God! at one point I thought I was going to be sick. I’m not going to bother saying which part because if you’ve seen it, then I feel like you’ll know which part I’m refering to and if you haven’t, well you’ve been warned – just don’t!

But any ways, for some reason I thought, after watching… that, it would be a good time to examine myself mentally, when it came to sex lately. I’ve considered myself to be a slightly overally sexual person for a while, I mean more than most, but maybe that’s just because the people around me a vaguely more prudish than the average, who knows or cares?

Maybe it’s just that I don’t want to have sex with him, right I shouldn’t play the pronoun game… Mr C. is what I believe I’ve been refering to him as. I don’t particularly consider myself to be a shallow person, I mean I have physical preferances, but who doesn’t.

Such as I’m not particularly into girls who are really fucking skinny, because it reminds me of when I was that really fucking skinny – sorry about the language – and that wasn’t a good time in my life, so I’d rather not. But that doesn’t mean that I’m going to write someone off because they’re skinny or anything. But so far with Mr C. there is nothing about him – bar his fetish – that attracts me to him. I mean physically or mentally. He refers to himself as a gentleman dom and maybe it’s because that’s something I haven’t experience, but to me, he doesn’t seem in the slightest bit dominant. I mean he just rolls over no matter what.

Now it’s great being considerate to your partner and not pushing people to do something they don’t want to do, that’s not what I’m saying I want out of him… it’s just I have yet to ‘see’ any sort of… display of dominance – that doesn’t sound right, but I’m going to leave it worded like that for now. I mean it feels like I’m the dominant one in the relationship.

I mean I can be… sassy and I’m not one to roll over and play dead or anything. Ok my friend seemed completely taken aback, when I told her I was a submissive. But that’s just the way I’ve learned I have to be, to hide all the messed up shit that has gone on and is going on inside me. If I didn’t do that, I probably would either be dead or probably in a mental hospital and since neither of them sound appealing right now – well maybe the death, but let’s not go there – I’m sticking with what works. Hey a semi-professional told me to keep doing what I’m doing – eg my cousellor – she was all like ‘ try, but don’t push yourself, because this is obviously working for you right now and you just need to take baby steps, you need to love yourself’ you have no idea how much I wanted to laugh at that last bit. Asking the girl who hates herself – well at least the majority of me does – to love herself and be kind to herself.

She probably thinks that because I ‘don’t abuse myself’ everything good on that front – mainly. I realised I lied to her about that, after the first session, but I couldn’t bring myself to bring it up the next time we met. I mean I do abuse myself, I’ve openly admitted it to people. I mean I don’t cut or anything, but there is a thousands ways to abuse yourself.

Any ways this post took a dark turn, well I guess it started off pretty dark… although I intended it to be about.. well… sex or my sex drive or something to that effect.

I guess I have a high sex drive, I mean like I said before it could just be that the people I associate with have low ones or something or they could be normal, making mine high, yeah, sky high. But I guess to me, sex is like… cigarettes.

Or food (etc) when I’m spiraling.

Quote/saying of the day: Sex is like oxygen. It only matters to those who aren’t getting any – unknown

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