UP, down, Turn Around… haunt me twister…

So todays been an emotional rollercoaster, but it had no reason to be.

I mean it was a pretty damn normal day. There was some mix ups at work, that made things a little hecktic at times and I did make a boo boo at one point, but none of that is so extrodinary that I should have such erractic emotions today.

Other than work I haven’t really done much today, I mean I did some more of my University work, but then again that’s work as well. Oh and the father called me, so talk about Christmas and how he really wants me to come down and spend Christmas with the family, well some of the family, we’re not sure what my eldest brother is doing for Christmas this year.

I guess if I can get the time off of work, I might not be spending Christmas alone this year – something to be happy about and I was slightly happy, after chatting with the father.

I was really happy during work, wistling and humming to myself, well half way through my shift. I was feeling a bit sick at the begininng. I think I might be coming down with something, honestly it’s not a surprise. It’s really been cold these last few days and I’ve been wandering around with a cardigan and a t-shirt on, so it’s not a big leap to think I could have court a cold or something.

Also my flatmate has continued to annoy me, just small things, but still they just seem to add up. I don’t know…

Any ways I think I’m going to sorta ditch her and do my shopping tomorrow instead of Monday, because I want her to buy the ‘together’stuff this week, because she owns me money and is refusing to pay me, so I’ll just get it back that way – makes things easier and there’s less confrontation.

I’m just hoping she gets everything, because she’s… I dunno a word, it’s not frugal, but calculating maybe, but that word just sounds too… evil vilain-y for her, she’s not evil. She’s manipulative… perhaps… but that one sounds too harsh as well. I guess I can be manipulative, like with the shopping tomorrow instead of Monday, that could be described as manipulative, but I’m just gunna justify myself here… I don’t want a confrontation right now, because I don’t think I could handle that and I might end up doing something nasty, like punch her or something like that. I mean I think I’m a bit of a hot head – on the inside – I used to be quick to hit people, I blame that on my brothers, it didn’t matter if I hit them, because I was soooo much weaker than they were, that it didn’t really hurt them no matter how much strength I used. But she’s tiny and weak and I don’t want to ruin our friendship just because I’m a violent person – on the inside…

Any ways that’s my justification for being slightly manipulative, not that it really matter, I guess…

I’m just feeling low.

It was Mr C’s birthday yesterday, so he went out with his friends na dgot drunk, then texted me. He obviously wanted me to sexted him, but I was in the middle of writing my essay and not in a good mood, because I was in the middle of writing my essay on a topic, which although midly interesting, is horible to write essays about.

I think one of the reasons I continued to reply to his texts, is because I’m extremely lonley, I mean… fuck it… I’m not sure if I have any intention of every actually having a somewhat serious – because I don’t do really serious – relationship with him. But I’ve been living off one fantisy after another, so having something is keeping me from going insane I guess. I mean I lived off the fantisy of my own death for a couple years before – I know it sounds weird, but it was basically my… life goal, I guess. That still hauts me ever now. I think that period of my life effected me more deeply than I realised and this past year or so I’ve been pushing it down or something, or perhaps I’m just… melancholic or something right now.

 

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