I’ve been feeling oddly adult like recently and not in a particularly good way. I mean I’ve probably said this before, but I was never all that keen on becoming an adult when I was a child – I mean single digits here – all my friends couldn’t wait to be all grown up and independent, but not me. Sure I liked the idea of being able to do my own thing and having my own stuff and place and what not, you know independent and all that jazz, but for me those good points didn’t quite out weigh the bad points. Maybe it’s because most people I knew got a more rose coloured view of being an adult, while my parents didn’t seems to think I needed to shielded from such things, all the problems that come from just living and having to worry about them, money problems and all those sorts of things.
Maybe it’s a good thing I was never really shielded from those things, don’t get me wrong they weren’t shoving their problems in my face or anything like that, they just didn’t go out of their way to hide it.
Perhaps it’s having to pay bills and all the job hunting and the fact that I’m having money problems myself, which are making me feel this way or perhaps it’s the loneliness I’ve been feeling recently.
Although I’m not truly alone or anything, it’s more a physic and romantic loneliness – you know what I mean?
I just seem to associate loneliness with adulthood. I mean when you’re a child you have your parents and perhaps siblings, family friends your friends, then you become and adult you’re expected to fly the coop and so although you still have your parents and siblings, you’re all separate and family friends can become estranged and then all you have are your friends. The circle gets smaller and smaller, until you die and those few people go to your funeral. But then that could just be my slightly more morbid view on things, I think the circle is supposed to get bigger then smaller, as the people you love die and then you too, less morbid I guess.
Perhaps I just want to be in a relationship, but as a self proclaimed commitment phob, I don’t think that’s going to happen anytime soon, plus I think something more casual would be more my speed right now. Maybe I’m just sexual frustrated, I mean it’s been a while and all that jazz. As they say; Sex is like oxygen, it’s only a big deal when you’re not getting any. And as my friend likes to point out, when you’re in a relationship you way more likely to have regular sex – unless it’s long distance – than when you’re single – there are statistic to prove it.
Perhaps I’m too fucked up for anyone to love, or perhaps I’m too fucked up to accept anyone’s love.