I’m sorry, but you can’t tell me who I am today, perhaps tomorrow?

I remember looking at the little map they give you in the states section on my old blog and I think Russia was the place that was lit up the most, but it seems these days that has changed to America. I’m not sure if this indicates a new me or just the change in blogging platform and how this one is more easily accessible and trendy in America, than the old one was, but either way I’m honestly not sure if I want it to be either.

Back at the end of last summer – around the time I was getting ready to head off to my brand new life, as a university student – I promised – perhaps promised isn’t the right word here – I told myself that I was going to be more… me. I had been in therapy for perhaps a month and although that’s not really very much time I think I had great stride, whether or not that had anything at all to do with the therapy, wait not they called it counselling – was there a change over that I don’t know about, I feel like I’m missing something with those two, but any ways.So at the beginning of university that was me, being more me and less, whatever the fuck I was before. Honestly I think I was doing an alright job, but then that sentence speaks volumes.

I know you have to work at yourself and what not, but should being yourself really make you want to… do heinous things to yourself and others. Speaking from a possibly on the childish side, standpoint, I don’t think it should. Sure if you are the sort of person that wants that and that just you – there are people like that out there and I’m not judging – but I’m not, no I want what many would describe as perverts, disgusting, unholy and perhaps heinous things to do done to me, because and don’t hold this against me, I’m a sadomasochist, at least that’s what people are calling me this week. Honestly I only just ‘gained’ that label a short time ago, when I posted something about being both sadist and masochist and someone posted back, “you’re a sadomasochist” – yay, I’ve gained my stamp of approval from some random anonymous stranger, hooray for the internet.

I’ve probably mentioned this sort of thing in posts before, but at the moment I’m sort of on the hunt for someone to… let’s use the word, share this with, because I may sit on the proverbial fence when it comes to sadomasochism, but I don’t when it comes to such things as… BDSM. Oh yeah I’m going to talk about that stuff. Honestly I think when people here sadomasochism or either one on it’s own, they instantly jump to BDSM, and I’m fine with that because that’s my… route, but I think there’s way more to it than that and most people are blissfully ignorant, which is all fine and dandy for them, but just like with religion, I don’t want you shoving you ideas, beliefs, norms and or vales down my throat, because I see things differently. Any ways let’s forget that last comment for those who are still reading, I know I’m a submissive and the same way I knew I was bisexual even before I had kissed either sex, although I did repress that side of myself due to the horror that is socialization – not that my family, or peers were really homophobic or anything.

I’m sure there is going to be someone who will ask me that potential annoying question ‘But how do you know, if you’ve never tried it?’ Right I think a lot of homosexual and other people of such persuasion, have probably been asked this and I would like to ask those people back ‘But how do YOU know?’ I mean that’s a stupid question and a half right, ‘How do you know you’re a homosexual perhaps you’re confused’.

Alright I’ll give them this, some people that or tittering on the edge may be heterosexual and just like one person of the same gender in their entire life, but I don’t think that means they are in any way confused. I also think there are some people that fake it to be… I don’t know cool. Although I think that’s more a female thing, because apparently being bisexual, is cool now, so making out with another girl to get a guys attention is a grand thing to do. Kind makes me more picky about girls, than it does guys, but perhaps I’ll end up in a stereotypical relationship after all – who the hell knows.

Any ways I’m sort of getting off point. So I’m just saying if you’re even thinking of asking me if I’m confused or something along those lines about my sexual preferences I’m not, I’ve known for over 8 years I think, honestly with the amount of introspection I do, I think it’s would be improbable that I would be ‘confused’ about this shit for that long, I would have worked out that’s not really what I’m into and felt it to the way side.

Any ways so what brought this on? Like I said or didn’t quite say in as many words, I’m looking for a dominant and unfortunately I’m sort of picky, because I may or may not have a twisted view of SM and BDSM. So, so far the hunt isn’t exactly going anywhere, but then again it’s not like I’m avidly searching for one or anything.

Quote/saying of the day:It’s not your responsibility to want to life, that other’s want for you – Colin Wright


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