I hate you, I hate you, I refute your world…

So some chips have fallen and they’ve come out with an outcome that I wasn’t entirely surprised with. I’ve never really hated anyone in my life. I mean really hated. I mean I’ve disliked people, but I could just ignore them or whatever. So I kind of find it a little hard to understand where my friend is coming from, when he can’t even spend 5 minutes in the same vicinity as my other friend – they got into a fight and it escalated, I’ve written about it many many times over the time which it all happened. I mean I understand wanting to avoid her and not wanted to be friends or talk or acknowledge existence blah blah blah – all the basics. But I’ve never felt real hatred, so I’ve been trying to get where he’s coming from, but of course I can’t really. Even the writer in me can’t really get it and she gets nearly every dark emotion – I mean that’s what draws me to them in the first place. But I was more or less guessing that in the case of having to spend a night with her – in the same place as her – then he might just opt out, but hearing the way he would agree to come sounded a little extreme, maybe it was just an excuse and a way to not try to hurt my feelings or something – I suppose I just don’t have the pull over people I used to. Oh well I’ll just have to deal and I was expecting a few people to opt out, so it’s fine to a harsh blow or anything. Although it would have been nice to have everyone – but we can’t always get what we want – and I’m used to sitting fights out for the sake of myself and others. I’m not going to start something up again over something, which is relatively minor, to be honest.

Forever waiting for something unknown…

So as the list of people who can and can’t/won’t come grows I’m starting to feel a little more secure in the fact that this is actually going to happen and all that jazz.

Although the anxiety and depressive thoughts that keep welling up aren’t helping the matter. I once thought I was a manic-depressive – is that the right way to say it? – but then I just realised it was my lifestyle that was making me that way and not me – if that even makes sense. Well I was really up one minute then down the next, because I didn’t have the energy to stay up and I was already pretty depressed to add extremely tired and a teenager onto that and you might just think manic-depressive, but no luckily not so much. Although I think everyone has those moment, I just had them for about 3-4 years, so it was a little unsettling. Maybe it was like Ruby Sparks and I was being controlled. For those of you who don’t know, that’s a film, although slightly disturbing at point, I quite enjoyed it and it was quite good overall.

So I’m having a kick back this weekend, I was going to have it either this weekend or next, but next weekend my friend is going to Spain, but then lots of people can’t make it this weekend. I’m having one this weekend because I was talked into it and I want to drink – so it wasn’t that hard to talk me into it. But I was thinking of having another one next weekend. They would both be real small, so it won’t be anything, just like 4-5 friends. But I’m not sure if I can, although people who can’t come this week want me to obviously. And I feel bad, it was sort of last-minute so lots of people had plans already and what not – oh I’m being considerate again.

Quote/saying of the day: The same girl who laughs and talks a lot and seems very happy is also the girl who may cry herself to sleep… – Unknown

I hear this for the first time in a while today, so I’m just popping it on the end of this post, as it’s a good song and all..!


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