So I considered telling someone today. Telling them about all the shit that I went through back then and the reason why I’m so closed off, but then I watched their face change and the sadness set in, the anger and pity. The pressure built and then the depression set in, so I didn’t I just kept my mouth shut and played the happiness game. The I’m a completely normal young female act I set myself up for everyday. It’s not like I’m really abnormal, I’m just not exactly normal in the sense of the majority normal for my friends. I know I can’t actually predict how someone is going to react, to much of a degree of accuracy, but I can have a good guess and most of the reactions I come up with, don’t turn out too well on my end or on theirs. I know there are some people that would take it with leaps and bounds and others that might take it as a joke – although it’s far from.
Any ways. So today was a simple day not much out of ordinary, although unfortunately it did rain – I’ve had enough of the stuff, if it has to be anything wet falling from the sky, made it crystalline snow! Although I didn’t really get caught in it not properly.
I also got myself so new shoes, because the old boots were falling apart literally, I stuck the sole back to the bottom, with some chewing gum, when I was out, because I really didn’t want it to drop off and have to walk around with no sole. But the new shoes had a bit of heel on them, which is getting a little annoying, as I have to trudge up and down – sometimes not up – a hill everyday. It’s alright my feet can take it, but still it’s getting to me a little, but I don’t have any other winter shoes, so I have to wear these or get wet feet… So I choose to wear them.
I was thinking about planning a party, but I realised that I can’t. This weekend would probably be too short notice and next weekend is my friends birthday, so it might be a little rude to have a party on her birthday and all that jazz and then the weekend after that I can’t and then the weekend after that is my birthday weekend and then the weekend after that is my other friends birthday weekend and I’m not sure if she’s doing anything for my birthday, like a party or meal or what not. So I’ve given up, as much as I want to just get pissed and be happy, I can’t, because I don’t like drinking alone, it’s dull and makes me depressed. So no party as of yet, although maybe I work around something and still have it. I just want something to sort of look forward to in the near future. I know I should be so near sighted, but what the hell, I’ve been having a hard time with some stuff – as per usually, why is there always something? – and I want something to make me feel better. Although it would be a lot better if I found a muse and could write again. I’ve been trying on and off, but so part no joy. I hope this doesn’t last, because I don’t know what I will do, probably spend all my money on some stupid therapy, which doesn’t work in the end and leaves me broke and homeless or something horrible like that – I’m being a little cynical aren’t I?