Always with a silent scream on my lips.

So I’m not taking today too well, not that anything really bad happened today, actually this morning I was feeling kind of good about today, but not any more. Maybe it’s because this morning I felt like anything could happen today and now the days over and know that nothing happened today.

Alright not nothing, I went to pick up my brother, that took up most of the day and watched him get his awards, oh we were all so proud, not that I wasn’t already expecting him to get a whole bunch of awards, that’s my brother for you, always the best at what he does, he makes it look easy and I’m not saying that I wish he wasn’t good at things, but sometimes it can be hard living in his shadow and all that jazz, at least I’m doing one thing he didn’t, which means that I’ll be only one to look up to in that category, if I actually end up doing it, although recently I’ve been feeling sort of stale on the subject of university, not that I don’t want to go per say, just more like I… it’s hard to describe. I want to do a job and that means going to University and that’s alright, I just wish that I didn’t have to spend the next 6 years of my life in education, I feel like my life is sliding away and I’m not getting anywhere, not that I’ve got some grand limit on how long I’m going to live, but somehow I feel like I should be doing more, being more, but I’m not I’m just… me.

I’m just frustrated right now, I want to scream and smash things up and go on a big rampage or just run and run until my legs wouldn’t more any more, but I can’t I’m stuck right here, sitting still, like a doll. I suppose this could be good fodder for my novel, since it’s going to be pretty depressing and what not. Time to start saving my all these depressing emotions, so I can pour my soul into something that a few people will read and tell me it’s not bad or it’s not bad for a first novel. Code for it’s just dam bad.

I read these amazing books and I just wish I could do that. Sometimes I can’t even say things, a proper sting of words. Maybe I can just blame it on my age, but really I feel like I’ve reached my limit and now I’m just going down, down, down, until I hit rock bottom and then die. Depressing I know, bit there are only two things that are certain in life, we are born and one day we will die, everything else is up for grabs.

I’m just over thinking the future, but when I’m not over thinking it, I feel like I’m under thinking it and not doing enough to make sure I have the one I want. I don’t feel I’m self motivated enough – because I’m not at all self motivated, but I can’t be blamed for that really, you don’t feel motivated to do good, if doing good doesn’t lead to anything, because someone did it before you, people act like you doing it isn’t really an achievement at all. Like with twins the first twin to talk gets all the encouragement and when the second one does it no ones really pays the same amount of attention, not that I want lots of attention, but sometimes it would be nice to feel a tiny, just a tiny bit important or special or something like that.

Quote/saying of the day: In the end we remember not the words of our enemies, but the silences of our friends – Martin Luther King, Jr.


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