Torn to pieces and suffocated by secrets, I keep on walking…

Hooray for all the couples around the world! Because today is Valentines day and for all the people not in a relationship, it’s just another day.

For me though, just another wet and windy day, although I did get one, sort of, Valentine. I’m not sure if that would be right, because Valentines is for lover/couples, so I suppose it was just a gift on a day that just happened to the a romantic one. Any ways, I have a thing about Valentines day, because, well, people don’t do it ‘right’ any more, or rather how they used to. Although I have a feeling that the English never really did it right. As far as I can tell, with my generation – or at least at this age of my generation – Valentines day is a day for couples to be romantic – basically it’s a two way street. But the way I see Valentines day as being ‘right’ girls give guys chocolate to show their ‘affection’, so more or less a one way street. However I like the idea – how I know this isn’t English, but then I’m not completely English any ways so what the hell – that guys return the affection on ‘Whites day’, by giving the girl they like/love something white, anything white, it doesn’t matter. Although I’m sure there will be girls out there that would disagree and say that it should be something expensive, but with me, as long as I can see the thought and love behind the thing, then the price tag isn’t that big of a deal – for this holiday. I just like this so much better, but then it does rely on the girls to pluck up the courage to ‘confess’ first and I know that’s hard for some, although that isn’t just a female issue. I don’t know, maybe I’m just a little bit too much old fashioned about these sort of things, it’s not like I’m all that bothered about the way people do Valentines day now. It’s just a little thing I have about it, that’s all. Or maybe it has something to do with me always being alone on Valentines day, but that doesn’t really bother me too much, I mean I’m not one of those people that will get together with someone just for a holiday, because they don’t want to be alone, for that holiday. Yes quite a few people do do that, a lot. Valentines day, Christmas etc, all those potentially romantic holidays, they will find someone just for a week or 3 surrounding the holiday, then move on. They’ll even go out with people they don’t really like, in that way, all that much. I just think that’s a bit crazy and a tiny bit pathetic. I mean it’s not that bad being alone on days like this, most singles just treat it like another day in the pile of days that make a year.

God what is my life?

Any ways today, right… So it was kind of weird today, alright maybe weird isn’t the right word. But it seems that that misunderstanding that occurred has not been sorted out in my absence – I wasn’t around them for a while, so I was hoping when I saw them again it would all be over, no such luck.

I’m not really sure what to do right now though, so I’m a little ‘torn’ and then I’m just thinking ditch them all the recalibrate a little with someone else. But I’m waiting for some nicer weather, because I was to go outside and not have to worry about being rained on all day long and all that jazz. Although I have a feel they wouldn’t even notice all that much, it’s not like I’m this big, bright light and I would be leaving them in the dark if I wasn’t around – that was a weird metaphor I know. I just can’t wait till summer or at least the summer weather. Sunshine, I want some sunshine. Proper bright and warm sunshine, non of this half light stuff that we’ve been getting recently. I’m not in the mood for that. Not that the weather has ever adhered to my moods…

Maybe I’m just feeling a little off, because the thing that I was waiting to come in the mail still hasn’t. I know I should be patient, but well I’m not being patient… I’m just really nervous about it and I want to talk to someone about it, but I’m not sure who… I mean someone does know, but I can’t talk to him about it, he’d just freak again. I don’t think I can talk to my friends about it either, I’m just a little – well a lot – scared about how they will react. I mean they already see me as a slut, this on top of that, I’m not sure if I can take that right now. I sure they would supportive after they got their heads around the whole thing, but that not the point. I don’t think I could stand the time in between… Oh well guess I’m just going to have to try and hold out a bit longer- hopefully not too much longer.

Quote/Saying of the day: It is amazing how complete is the delusion that beauty is goodness – Leo Tolstoy.

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