Suppressing myself with external joy…

Sitting on my bed with a small glass of rum and a newspaper, aren’t I sophisticated? Well not really, since I was cutting up the newspaper and putting my fingers in the rum. I was trying out this thing my friend had told me about where you paint your nails, then place them in some form of alcohol and then press the newspaper to them, to transfer the words onto your nails, unfortunately the nail polish I was wearing at the time was a little too dark to be able to see the words properly, so I’m going to try again tomorrow.

Alright so this weekend, I was invited to go to a film night and I was also invited to go to Barry Island. I agreed to both, but now I thinking oh dear, maybe I should just pick out. I think a day out to Barry would be really fun, so I want to go, but then I got some bad news recently and I kind of want to get a little pissed and act ‘young’. I might see about coming back from Barry a little earlier than planned and try and do both.

Oh it would be nice if it was this sunny this weekend, but I don’t think that is going to happen.

Alright so today was an emotional day among my friends. So this whole argument has continued and now every time one party – the female one, for the sake of not making you confused, we’ll call her Jane – the other party – the male one, for the sake of not making you confused we’ll call him Jone – walks out of the room. He says it’s because he doesn’t want to fight any more and because he has a quick temper – which he does – he will start a fight with her, if he’s in the same room as her. So Jane was hanging out with a couple of us, while the rest of us were hanging with Jone, I was moving from one bunch to the other, sort of joining with conversations and trying not to make a big deal about them not hanging together. But then Suddenly out of no where – to me, but I think they had been talking about it when I wasn’t there – decides to go to Jone’s group and talk – just talk mind you. But when Jane turns up, not wanted to fight Jone walks away, so – Let’s call her Will – Will get’s mad at him for always walking off and begins to shout at him, but Jone leaves. Jane get’s emotional and begins to cry, saying how it was all too much and some other stuff, finishing with how she wants to be friends again and not fight any more, then leaves to find her boyfriend. After a short few minutes to conversation about what Jane said – Will left with her – Jone returns to comfort his girlfriend – let’s call her Harriet. But Harriet is also getting emotional – as to be expected – and so leaves, now after prompting from another, he follows her. Then – let’s call her Caroline – Caroline is also emotion at this point, so there was a bit of girl time there. I’m not sure how much of a help I was, but I think I did alright, I like to be there for my friends to pick them up when they’re feeling down.

So yeah, emotional. I don’t know what is going to happen from now on, but I hope things can work out somehow, because I love all my friends, sure there are some things about them that I could live without, but I’m sure they would say the same thing about me. But they are part of them and the good stuff about them completely over shadows anything bad – in my opinion, which doesn’t seem to be the majority opinion.

Is there something emotionless about the way I just wrote out about my friends being emotional? I feel like I’m just completely drained of emotion, but yet stuff with it, at the same time. It’s sort of like a fuzzy feeling, but not a good one. I want to do something, but then I don’t know what to do and I just feel like I have to be a bystander and watch as everything plays out. I suppose that may always be my role the innocent – or not so innocent – bystander. Maybe it’s not the worst place to be. I just don’t want to give into my empathetic side and let all that come rushing in, because I don’t think I could handle that particular cocktail of emotions. But there’s something so isolating about my role, not that I’m really complaining about not being part of other people arguments, but… I’m not sure where I’m going with this really. It’s just that there’s something really big going on with me right now, but I don’t feel like I can talk to my friends about it, because they’re all court up in this shit storm and I don’t want to add to the stuff that they’re dealing with and also I think there’s this part of me that just wants to forget about it and pretend that it’s not happen. Not have to face it and deal with my situation, but then there’s a time limit on these sort of things, so I know that I can’t do that.

I’m suffocating on suppressed emotions, for the sake of myself and my friends. But I’m not an open person, so maybe I can do this by myself – time to try and find my silver lining I suppose…

Quote/saying of the day: Pessimism – Every dark cloud has a silver lining, but lighting kills hundreds of people each year who are trying to find it – Larry Kersten.


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